I think our journey started about a year before we started dating when I was invited to provide childcare at a homebirth while I was still nannying in New York. It's like I was instantly transformed. I started reading everything I could about pregnancy and childbirth, very quickly deciding to become a doula. You can read more about my doula story over at my doula blog. And if all you care about is how hard we've been trying for a baby, scroll all the way down for a time line.

I first became acquainted with Matt by chance in 2005. I was in high school, just about to graduate and move to Conway to attend the University of Central Arkansas. I was using xanga to blog and so I started searching through other blogs of UCA students in the hopes of making a few friends prior to arriving. I found this wonderfully written music blog and started listening to a lot of the music that this guy had been suggesting. Eventually we started to talk through instant messenger and he became my go-to guy for new music recommendations. I never once thought about him as anything more than a friend, not that it would have mattered if I did since he was engaged to his high school sweetheart at the time anyway. He worked at the desk of the dorm right next to mine and so after months of only online communication, I finally walked next door and introduced myself. We joke about it now, but at the time, it was awful! We both ended up being so awkward that we both made up excuses about having to leave. After that disastrous first meeting, I am not sure we even spoke again for months. I left UCA for a live in nanny job about 20 minutes from Manhattan in December and we didn't speak again until probably mid-April 2006. His fiancé had very unexpectedly broken up with him early in the spring and that meant he had a lot more time on his hands. He continued to be my music guy and I didn't even learn his last name until right before we started dating because in my phone he was under "Matt Music". He ended up kind of becoming a girlfriend of mine and between April and my return to Arkansas in September, I told him all kinds of sordid details of my scandalous New York dating life. I cringe when I think of the things I shared, things you would never in a million years tell someone you ever thought you would date, definitely not your future husband! It pretty much meant that by the time we actually started hanging out again, there was almost nothing he didn't already know about me.

Once I returned to Arkansas in September, we were talking on the phone multiple times a week (and I really, really hate talking on the phone). When we finally saw each other, about a year after our last meeting, we were both pretty instantly smitten. I can still remember how nervous I was about him coming to my apartment. I was a cigarette smoker at the time and I probably smoked a whole pack while pacing the stairs outside waiting for him to show up. He got lost, couldn't find the directions, and ended up using the cell phone of a random mall security guard to eventually find me (like 2 hours late!), and I'm pretty sure I didn't have any fingernails left by the time he got there. I remember thinking he was so much cuter than I had remembered! By the end of October we had decided to start officially dating since we had already confessed our love for each other and due to all kinds of different circumstances, we were living together in December. Around April we ended up moving in with my mom, eventually into a small room above a barn on my mom's property. It had no running water, no bathroom, and some M.C. Escher kind of stairs going up to it that didn't even attach to the building. It was definitely a very different kind of experience. We knew at this point that we wanted to get married and I started flipping through tons of bridal magazines and websites. The more we looked into it, the more just wanted to elope, so one morning, we woke up and decided that we would run off and get married that day. I got off early from work and our friend Celeste came with us to get our marriage license in Little Rock. We then found out that there was a drug store in Lonoke county that had an officiant there right now who would marry us. It was about a 45 minute drive and when we got there and went inside, the guy behind the counter (who looked about 16) said that he "could do this in the drive-thru if ya wanted." We quickly decided that was a story we definitely wanted to be able to tell, got back in the car, backed into the drivethru and then he handed us our marriage license through the window and said, "Well, y'all are married." And so started our journey towards a baby.

May 17th, 2007- MARRIED!!!!!
                        -started hoping for a baby immediately
January 2008-  Actually thankful I wasn't pregnant since our apt burned down.
July 2008- Finally pregnant. 12 weeks of joyful puking.
September 2008- miscarriage; worst days of my life
October 2008- marriage falls apart
November 2008- Matt moves to Prague and I seek refuge where no one knows
                          I was ever pregnant
June 2009- After many months of working on things on and off, we finally
                  move back in together; we shared a duplex with another couple
                  who are now are closest friends. We never once used protection
                  and both just quietly hoped as we found our security again.
December 2009- We get our own little home and really start trying again
Summer 2010- I got into the nursing program!
August 2010- Required physical shows I am in great health, could stand to
                     lose a couple pounds, but all checks out in the lady bits
March 2011- Finally decided to get some extra help; Matt has good
                     swimmers- the lower end of normal but nothing that should
                     keep us from getting pregnant; vaginal u/s looked good, no pcos.
April 2011- Clomid 50mg- BFN
May 2011- Clomid 50mg- BFN
August 2011- Clomid 50mg- BFN
November 2011- See OB again, get compliments on losing 20lbs, get a script
                         for more Clomid and make an appt for a laproscopy
                         if it doesn't work
December 2011- Clomid 100mg, baby aspirin, pre-seed- BFN
January 2012- Clomid 100mg, baby aspirin, pre-seed- BFN
February 2012- Clomid 100mg, baby aspirin, pre-seed- BFN
March 2012- Nada
April 2012- Laproscopy done on 4/19; endometriosis found between stage 1 & 2; tubes both clear.
May 2012- Graduated nursing school!!!!! Got a little more info on the endo that was found. Only one spot on the right ovary but the left one was enveloped in endo that was actually constricting it and it had adhered to the back of my pelvic wall. Doctor is pushing Lupron, gave me a script for 3 months of Clomid at 150mg -BFN
June 2012- Clomid 150mg - BFN
July 2012- Going au naturale
              - Saw an RE for the first time. It's a 3 hour drive which gives me plenty of time to stress.
                He likes our odds and the u/s showed a "supurb" lining and a big ol' follicle even without
                any drugs. Now we just have to save money for a few IUIs.
              -Also filled out all our paperwork for the foster-adoption route
October 2012- 100mg Clomid -BFP - ended in an early miscarriage around 5ish weeks
December 2012- try while I wonder if I will bleed from this miscarriage
January 2012- Clomid 100mg cd2-8, abdominal massage a few days before O, progesterone for the first time! -BFN
Feb 2012-May 2012 - We're not trying, not preventing. Moved into a travel trailer and started a midwifery apprenticeship
May 2012 - start taking Fertile Ground by Birth Song Botanicals, a tincture I hoped would help regulate my cycles and get them to go back down to 31 days or less. Decided when I finally got to cd37 that I'd take a test and was shocked that it was positive. I felt so different, so pregnant, not at all like I did in November when I miscarried. Shock and sadness came just a week later though when I started bleeding on Matt's birthday.

Now that I know I can get pregnant on my own, we're just being more open to it happening. It would still be awful timing but who gives a flying nun about that. I'm taking a folate my body can process, along with more b-12 than I knew was possible to take, some vitamin D, and a baby aspirin and we're just going to keep hoping for the best. One day, it will be my turn.


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