No, seriously, fuck this ridiculously unfair bullshit.
This time last week, I was in a dream world. I felt pregnant, hungover, and couldn't believe there were actually two lines on the test I took. I mean, the timing could have been better. Matt doesn't have a job, I'm staying busy with my unpaid apprenticeship and barely scraping by on my other part time jobs to pay our bills, with the help of our family too. But I just felt so different than I did in November when I was anticipating the miscarriage. I had a nice range of symptoms and was looking forward to a February baby.
Then Sunday, I started having bright red spotting and just knew I was on my way to my 3rd miscarriage. It just keeps continuing, finally getting heavier today with some clots but it still doesn't feel anywhere near over. I took some methergine which was supposed to help things along but it hasn't really changed much so I might have to take it again.
I'm just feeling broken, like my body is a baby killer.
I'm trying to be positive about the fact that I got pregnant at all, totally on my own without the use of a million other hormones. I get that that's a big deal but still, it's hardly a silver lining.
The kicker was that it was Matt's birthday when it started.
I will try to make a big update post from the last few chaotic months but I'm not sure when. I'm thankful that I was able to take off from prenatals this week and that no one has had their baby. I'm thankful my husband is incredible and reassures me at every turn. I'm thankful I have an amazing preceptor midwife who is so loving and supportive. There are certainly things to be thankful for but I still just want to scream a lot.