Friday, June 28, 2013

I'm finally feeling a little better and less raw now that I've finally stopped bleeding. I do have this kind of fear of sex at the moment, worried for the first time in a long time that I might actually get pregnant again soon, and I really can't handle that right now. I really didn't have much anxiety last month because I honestly felt like that time was going to be different, like I had nothing health wise to be anxious about and that we'd finally be meeting our baby come next February. Now, I have anxiety in every day situations and I worry about my health constantly. I'm diving into my genetic results but finding only more problems to make me anxious, only more doubt that maybe my genes are just so terrible that I shouldn't be trying to pass them on, like each of those 3 miscarriages has saved us from some horribly genetically screwed up baby. What I've discovered so far though seems at least partially fixable and I do feel like if I can get that all situated, I will have a much better shot next time around (though honestly, I hope that's a ways off...)

I'm trying to just jump right back into my life, already been to 3 more births (17 total for the year!) and right back into twice weekly prenatal days where I'm palpating pregnant bellies and listening to heart tones. Back to working 3 days a week at a little natural parenting retail store and waiting tables one day a week. It doesn't leave for too much down time but that's kind of how I prefer it.

I'm struggling right now with feeling super, super selfish. We're struggling financially in a big way at the moment, Matt hasn't had a job since mid-Feb, and here I am working my tail off in this midwifery apprenticeship (that doesn't pay) while I do nothing with my nursing license that I spent years trying to get. I have moments of stubborn pride where I feel so certain I am doing the right thing doing what I love right now but for the most part, I just feel like the most selfish wife in the world.  I'm making enough with all my part time jobs to just barely make it by when I could have just one nursing job and probably make twice as much as I am now. I definitely waver back and forth.

I just keep trying to remind myself the difference I'm able to make on an almost daily basis. I feel so much more fulfilled over these last few months than I have in my entire life. I've been privileged to support a mom through a still birth and got to use my knowledge of local resources to help her get some incredible pictures of her sweet baby all while being able to speak words that brought me comfort through my losses. I've got to reassure a mom while she was pushing that everything was going to be good, even if her midwife didn't make it in time (which thankfully, she did.) I've held puke buckets, wiped sweaty faces, cleaned a lot of bath tubs and have never been so thankful and humbled in my entire life. It's a charmed life I lead and though we've definitely seen more than our fair share of hardships and total craptastic luck, we've got a lot of things we're grateful for as well.


Cristy said...

I'm so sorry that you're in a position where you feel guilty about following your dream. It's hard to have an unemployed spouse. Even harder when your training is unpaid. Honestly, though, what you're doing will ultimately be beneficial for your family. This training will open doors and lead to a fruitful career. So even though it's tough, I really encourage you to keep pushing. And I hope that Matt is able to find fruitful employment too so that you can both be doing what you love.

Glad to hear you've stopped bleeding and it sounds like you have a plan for the future.

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