Friday, June 28, 2013

I'm finally feeling a little better and less raw now that I've finally stopped bleeding. I do have this kind of fear of sex at the moment, worried for the first time in a long time that I might actually get pregnant again soon, and I really can't handle that right now. I really didn't have much anxiety last month because I honestly felt like that time was going to be different, like I had nothing health wise to be anxious about and that we'd finally be meeting our baby come next February. Now, I have anxiety in every day situations and I worry about my health constantly. I'm diving into my genetic results but finding only more problems to make me anxious, only more doubt that maybe my genes are just so terrible that I shouldn't be trying to pass them on, like each of those 3 miscarriages has saved us from some horribly genetically screwed up baby. What I've discovered so far though seems at least partially fixable and I do feel like if I can get that all situated, I will have a much better shot next time around (though honestly, I hope that's a ways off...)

I'm trying to just jump right back into my life, already been to 3 more births (17 total for the year!) and right back into twice weekly prenatal days where I'm palpating pregnant bellies and listening to heart tones. Back to working 3 days a week at a little natural parenting retail store and waiting tables one day a week. It doesn't leave for too much down time but that's kind of how I prefer it.

I'm struggling right now with feeling super, super selfish. We're struggling financially in a big way at the moment, Matt hasn't had a job since mid-Feb, and here I am working my tail off in this midwifery apprenticeship (that doesn't pay) while I do nothing with my nursing license that I spent years trying to get. I have moments of stubborn pride where I feel so certain I am doing the right thing doing what I love right now but for the most part, I just feel like the most selfish wife in the world.  I'm making enough with all my part time jobs to just barely make it by when I could have just one nursing job and probably make twice as much as I am now. I definitely waver back and forth.

I just keep trying to remind myself the difference I'm able to make on an almost daily basis. I feel so much more fulfilled over these last few months than I have in my entire life. I've been privileged to support a mom through a still birth and got to use my knowledge of local resources to help her get some incredible pictures of her sweet baby all while being able to speak words that brought me comfort through my losses. I've got to reassure a mom while she was pushing that everything was going to be good, even if her midwife didn't make it in time (which thankfully, she did.) I've held puke buckets, wiped sweaty faces, cleaned a lot of bath tubs and have never been so thankful and humbled in my entire life. It's a charmed life I lead and though we've definitely seen more than our fair share of hardships and total craptastic luck, we've got a lot of things we're grateful for as well.

Thursday, June 13, 2013

No, seriously, fuck this ridiculously unfair bullshit.

This time last week, I was in a dream world. I felt pregnant, hungover, and couldn't believe there were actually two lines on the test I took. I mean, the timing could have been better. Matt doesn't have a job, I'm staying busy with my unpaid apprenticeship and barely scraping by on my other part time jobs to pay our bills, with the help of our family too. But I just felt so different than I did in November when I was anticipating the miscarriage. I had a nice range of symptoms and was looking forward to a February baby.

Then Sunday, I started having bright red spotting and just knew I was on my way to my 3rd miscarriage. It just keeps continuing, finally getting heavier today with some clots but it still doesn't feel anywhere near over. I took some methergine which was supposed to help things along but it hasn't really changed much so I might have to take it again.

I'm just feeling broken, like my body is a baby killer.

I'm trying to be positive about the fact that I got pregnant at all, totally on my own without the use of a million other hormones. I get that that's a big deal but still, it's hardly a silver lining.

The kicker was that it was Matt's birthday when it started.

I will try to make a big update post from the last few chaotic months but I'm not sure when. I'm thankful that I was able to take off from prenatals this week and that no one has had their baby. I'm thankful my husband is incredible and reassures me at every turn. I'm thankful I have an amazing preceptor midwife who is so loving and supportive. There are certainly things to be thankful for but I still just want to scream a lot.

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