Sunday, January 13, 2013

I talk a lot here about my lady bits and everything else seems to be less important. I worry when I look back on this time, it will seem like our entire life was just infertility, when that is definitely not the case.  I have some terrible sinus infection going on. And I gave it to Matt. I wouldn't mind being sick if he didn't get sick but he makes everything out to be so much worse. I keep up with my responsibilities whether I'm sick or not and so I just get so frustrated that he's so quick to call into work so that he can inevitably sit at home playing video games all day while I'm waiting tables and being a gross mouth breather.

In an effort to keep track of all the changes we are facing this year, I'm going to bullet point the big stuff and hopefully find time to discuss each one at length in the coming days.

  • We are downsizing from a 3 bedroom house to an RV (or possibly studio apt depending on if we can find a livable RV in our budget.) This is largely to save money. We have friends who just bough 100+ acres 45 minutes south of us and would love to eventually have us live out there on their land with them. In order to build the little cabin I want, we need to save about 10k to put down. Right now, we live at the very tippy top of our means, most of the time wondering how to come up with hundreds of dollars just a few days before rent is due. It was fine with Matt's previous job and would likely be fine if I could ever get my nursing license but right now, it really sucks. Moving into an RV also means we would very quickly, and easily, have the money to try some IUIs and injectable meds sometime in the near future. It means downsizing our pet family quite a bit too (by half at least, though I wouldn't mind finding a home for both cats.) 
  • I'm starting back to school next week. Just some more basic pre-reqs that I didn't have to have for an associate degree in nursing but will need for this master's program, once again waiting on my license. It's four classes that I don't really care for and hope I can just trudge through since they're all online. Having them online will in an ideal world, mean that I have the freedom to maintain my current lifestyle while still getting some sort of forward motion going on the schooling front. 
  • I'm considering taking an apprenticeship with a local homebirth midwife. Although my original plan when going into nursing school was to become a nurse midwife (mostly for the freedom to move a lot more places and still be able to work), I'm leaning away from that more and more. I miss the trust I had in the birth process. I know infertility and loss has taken it's toll on that but nursing school had a big role in it as well. I'm not totally set on it, but the experience would be incredible and in the end, I could still become a nurse midwife, I'd just have this additional skill set. It's a pretty big commitment and can means years of going to births without getting paid. I think I could still get my doula work as much as ever but it would mean that I will be on call all the time instead of just when my clients are between 38-42 weeks. 
  • Matt will hopefully be going back to school in the fall but that requires the RV living to happen so that we can quickly pay down the over $2000 he owes to the school he went to 7 years ago. I'm pretty sure even then he will still have to try and get his other loans out of default. He doesn't seem to understand the weight of all of this on me and thinks me selfish for continuing my education and career path while he is still stuck at a job he hates. Even though we bring in the same amount of money each month, he works 40hrs a week for his while I work probably half that and make the same amount. Pretty sure that pisses him off too. I know he feels like everyone in life is leaving him behind and while I understand that on a certain level, I don't feel like it's fair (or selfish) to accept the opportunities that keep coming my way. I only wish he were more proactive about making his dreams happen, if he even knows what those really are yet. It's gotten to the point where I hate to share any good news about my career life with him because I never get the reaction that I'm hoping for. I just need to have a big "hash out my relationship problems for everyone to see" post and get it all out there.

So yeah, lots of big things happening, and I'm sure I'm forgetting something that I'll remember later but you get the picture. Life is chaotic. Love is irrational. I'm just going to keep repeating to myself that change is good, sacrifices will be worth it, and everything will find a way to work itself out. And now for waiting on tables full of angry post church crowds who venture out into the freezing temperatures before trying to take a friend out for a birthday drink. 


dspence said...

Those ARE a lot of big things! I hope that you find your way through the big stuff soon. RV living is a fun thought!

Julia Spencer said...

I appreciate your honesty.

I've nominated you for a Liebster award:

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