Sunday, January 27, 2013

Well, today is cd1. I actually thought I'd start two days ago while I was at a birth because of how much I started cramping but I guess my uterus was just having some sympathy pains. It was a spectacular home birth that really solidified my decision to move forward with apprenticeship. I'm still torn on who exactly I will be apprenticing with (if I can't have them both.) I'm waiting to see how it all pans out. And I need to renew my CPR certification so I can send in my apprenticeship license application.

Of course, I just want to lay on my couch all day but instead, I have to put on a happy face and go wait tables. I'll pick up some wine on my way home tonight for sure though. 

While it will be strange not being on drugs for the next few months, I am seriously looking forward to feeling more like myself, being more in control of my emotions. I will have plenty to keep me busy as we transition to RV life, I finish out this semester (and possibly take a summer Chemistry class), start attending a lot more births, push my doula group towards non-profit status, and figure out what it's like to have sex with my husband just because I want to. I'm hoping that by July we will have put back some money for an IUI and I'll push for something other than Clomid (because I added it all up and over the last 2.5 years, I've had 13 rounds of Clomid, way more than EVER recommended.) Who knows, maybe we'll even go to Little Rock for them instead of getting it done with my local OB. I mean, I'm sure it doesn't take much skill to insert a catheter and push in sperm but they have a higher success rate at the big RE clinic.

So I leave with an Avett Brothers song that has resonated with me all morning. <3 br="">

Monday, January 21, 2013

Welcome new comers. You can read more about ICLW in my sidebar if that's not what brought you here.

We've been married (and ttc) since May 2007. I had a miscarriage in September 2008 at 12 weeks. I had a lap in April 2012 to remove stage 2 endometriosis. We've done a crap ton of Clo.mid spread out over about 3 years. In November of 2012, I did Clo.mid days 2-7 and managed to get pregnant, but miscarried a little after 5 weeks. This is our first real cycle since then and I did 100mg of Clo.mid cd2-8 and I'm now 7dpo. This is my first month on progesterone and I'm being a big cry baby about it. My entire chest hurts more than I knew was possible. Like each step jostles a boob just right to leave me making unpleasant faces.

And other than an infertile. I'm also a nursing school graduate, a nanny, a passionate birth doula, and a future midwife. It's a weird field to be in when my body seems so stubborn about making it's own babies but I can't imagine doing anything else. I'm waiting on a couple of babies to be born right now. One of them isn't a client, just a super kind lady who invited me to come observe her homebirth. I'm seriously considering an apprenticeship with a homebirth midwife but feel like I need some more recent homebirth experience to fully make my decision. I usually only have about one homebirth client a year so the opportunity just doesn't  really present itself. We're also making huge plans to downsize from our 3 bedroom home to an RV and I've been enjoying this huge purge-fest.

I figure between huge opportunities to advance my career, a full time college course load, and moving into a teeny tiny space I can't imagine having a baby in, surely I will end up pregnant, right? Isn't that how all this works again?

Sunday, January 20, 2013

Between the progesterone I'm taking this cycle and the 3.6 mile run I did yesterday morning, I kind of hurt all over.

My boobs hurt wayyyyy more (at 6dpo) that I can remember ever happening. I kept waking myself up when I rolled over on my stomach last night. Finally, I decided to get up an hour early and just make some coffee.

And that run kicked my butt, which is super sore today, though my stomach seems to have taken the most of it. I noticed while I was running yesterday that I really twist my body a lot more than I feel like is normal. And my love handles are rebelling. It's going to add a new level of pain to waiting tables.

One of my bestest friends got to stay the night with me last night since her fiance' is recording with his band up in my area. It definitely did not feel like a long enough visit but it feels good to get to see her. I hope that she gets to come back soon. Also, she may be cutting my hair this morning before I go to work if we have enough time.

I'll do a big ICLW post tomorrow!

Sunday, January 13, 2013

I talk a lot here about my lady bits and everything else seems to be less important. I worry when I look back on this time, it will seem like our entire life was just infertility, when that is definitely not the case.  I have some terrible sinus infection going on. And I gave it to Matt. I wouldn't mind being sick if he didn't get sick but he makes everything out to be so much worse. I keep up with my responsibilities whether I'm sick or not and so I just get so frustrated that he's so quick to call into work so that he can inevitably sit at home playing video games all day while I'm waiting tables and being a gross mouth breather.

In an effort to keep track of all the changes we are facing this year, I'm going to bullet point the big stuff and hopefully find time to discuss each one at length in the coming days.


  • We are downsizing from a 3 bedroom house to an RV (or possibly studio apt depending on if we can find a livable RV in our budget.) This is largely to save money. We have friends who just bough 100+ acres 45 minutes south of us and would love to eventually have us live out there on their land with them. In order to build the little cabin I want, we need to save about 10k to put down. Right now, we live at the very tippy top of our means, most of the time wondering how to come up with hundreds of dollars just a few days before rent is due. It was fine with Matt's previous job and would likely be fine if I could ever get my nursing license but right now, it really sucks. Moving into an RV also means we would very quickly, and easily, have the money to try some IUIs and injectable meds sometime in the near future. It means downsizing our pet family quite a bit too (by half at least, though I wouldn't mind finding a home for both cats.) 
  • I'm starting back to school next week. Just some more basic pre-reqs that I didn't have to have for an associate degree in nursing but will need for this master's program, once again waiting on my license. It's four classes that I don't really care for and hope I can just trudge through since they're all online. Having them online will in an ideal world, mean that I have the freedom to maintain my current lifestyle while still getting some sort of forward motion going on the schooling front. 
  • I'm considering taking an apprenticeship with a local homebirth midwife. Although my original plan when going into nursing school was to become a nurse midwife (mostly for the freedom to move a lot more places and still be able to work), I'm leaning away from that more and more. I miss the trust I had in the birth process. I know infertility and loss has taken it's toll on that but nursing school had a big role in it as well. I'm not totally set on it, but the experience would be incredible and in the end, I could still become a nurse midwife, I'd just have this additional skill set. It's a pretty big commitment and can means years of going to births without getting paid. I think I could still get my doula work as much as ever but it would mean that I will be on call all the time instead of just when my clients are between 38-42 weeks. 
  • Matt will hopefully be going back to school in the fall but that requires the RV living to happen so that we can quickly pay down the over $2000 he owes to the school he went to 7 years ago. I'm pretty sure even then he will still have to try and get his other loans out of default. He doesn't seem to understand the weight of all of this on me and thinks me selfish for continuing my education and career path while he is still stuck at a job he hates. Even though we bring in the same amount of money each month, he works 40hrs a week for his while I work probably half that and make the same amount. Pretty sure that pisses him off too. I know he feels like everyone in life is leaving him behind and while I understand that on a certain level, I don't feel like it's fair (or selfish) to accept the opportunities that keep coming my way. I only wish he were more proactive about making his dreams happen, if he even knows what those really are yet. It's gotten to the point where I hate to share any good news about my career life with him because I never get the reaction that I'm hoping for. I just need to have a big "hash out my relationship problems for everyone to see" post and get it all out there.

So yeah, lots of big things happening, and I'm sure I'm forgetting something that I'll remember later but you get the picture. Life is chaotic. Love is irrational. I'm just going to keep repeating to myself that change is good, sacrifices will be worth it, and everything will find a way to work itself out. And now for waiting on tables full of angry post church crowds who venture out into the freezing temperatures before trying to take a friend out for a birthday drink. 

Sunday, January 6, 2013

After all the hype of adding a trigger this cycle, that does not seem like it will be happening. I'm only on cd9 but right now, it doesn't look like we'll be shelling out the couple hundred dollars for the totally uncovered by insurance trigger. We did 7 days of Clomid instead of the usual 5, just like we did two months ago when I conceived and I'm telling myself, we didn't need the trigger then so hopefully it won't really matter that we aren't doing it this month. I'm more concerned about trying to correct my low progesterone. I wonder if my progesterone has been low for some time but since I don't have a short luteal phase or any other symptoms, it's gone undetected til the blood work for the ultrasound.

I'm hoping to consult with a local midwife and master herbalist later this week (who I will soon be partnering with on my doula business which is super exciting!) and she does Mayan abdominal massage (known for success in breaking up adhesions) so I'm hoping to get that done, as well as get some natural progesterone cream. I could get my dr to prescribe some, but it's pretty pricey and I'm pinching pennies this month.

Doula business is booming though so I can't complain on that front. I love getting the privilege to attend so many births (and my last one was a couple who dealt with infertility which was even more rewarding than my norm.) It has it's moments where it's rough and makes me wonder if I'll ever be in their position, but for the most part, it's just a totally amazing experience for everyone involved. I can't imagine doing any other kind of work. And with a birth center finally opening up in our area, I'm thinking 2013 is a great year to have a baby up here!

I usually wait tables on Sundays but just so happened to have today off and I'm loving it. I laid in bed til noon, still haven't put on clothes yet, and I think I may go for a little local hike. All of this is made possible by the fact that one of my closest friends loaned me their extra car so that we're not having to rely on one vehicle to get us both to work, friends, and with me on call, we just never know when I'll be stuck at a birth for over 24hrs leaving Matt stranded. It's been stressful and had become the thing we fought about most. I'm very happy to have that stress lifted and hope that with school starting in a little over a week that it won't be replaced.

Still feeling optimistic about this month and it's made even better by this patch of can't-keep-our-hands-off-each-other love we got goin' on right now!

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