Thursday, August 8, 2013

I should have been 40 weeks pregnnant. I should be anxiously awaiting labor. I should be round and full of baby. I should be taking it easy, preparing for the huge undertaking of birth and parenthood. I should be filled with joy. I would have changed my life to accommodate that baby. I would have got a job I hated in order to put back money to have time off with that baby. I would have sucked in my complaints and let only gratitude fill my voice. I would have sacrificed everything I have to have been able to welcome that baby into our lives. Instead, I can't sleep (and not because I'm waking a million times a night to pee.) I spend the night tossing and turning, woken by dreams that I've had my baby but lost her, either at the mall in the apocalypse or a hotel during an evacuation and no one will help me find her. It has rained heavily lately and on our tin roof it gets so loud that I'm woken by that a lot too and then can't go back to sleep. And of course the lack of sleep feeds the feeling of being emotionally fragile and everything feels that much more stressful, that much more intense and so much harder to manage. I feel like I'm teetering on a cliff side and just the slightest breeze is going to come and initiate a freefall unlike anything I've experienced before. I feel like I've reached out to a few people but they don't know what to say. They tell me I take on too much and just need to slow down, sleep more, and it will all feel easier tomorrow. And maybe that is partially true but its not possible at the moment when I'm working 3 jobs and still barely making ends meet while Matt still searches tirelessly for his own employment. I'm just run down and feeling afraid of what may come when I do find time to pause.

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

I've got an always growing to-do list. I should be writing up a client birth story instead of a blog post, or maybe doing my apprenticeship homework to write an article/brochure on Rh- mamas, or re-vamping my focus session presentation on doulas & nurses, but alas, my heart says to do other things.

I am having a hard time with some upcoming births with the thought always present in my mind that if I'd not miscarried at Thanksgiving, I'd be the one having my home-visit, setting up the pool, and trying to mentally prepare myself for labor. Instead, I'm keeping myself busier than is healthy, feeling constantly run down, and preparing for another run of births. I'm sure I'll be feeling the same way come February as I'm watching those ladies lift their babies up to their chests and feeling like my time will never come. I've been to 20 births this year already and some how, it feels like it's getting harder.

Things just feel stagnant in my body right now. I had an incredibly heavy period this month, way worse than it's been in a very long time, and I was at a birth which always makes me cramp anyway. I thought about asking for an epidural, hah.

Anyway, I'm loving this song right now (and the brilliant Netflix tv show it was written for). "Taking steps is easy, standing still is hard." <3 br="" nbsp="">


Friday, June 28, 2013

I'm finally feeling a little better and less raw now that I've finally stopped bleeding. I do have this kind of fear of sex at the moment, worried for the first time in a long time that I might actually get pregnant again soon, and I really can't handle that right now. I really didn't have much anxiety last month because I honestly felt like that time was going to be different, like I had nothing health wise to be anxious about and that we'd finally be meeting our baby come next February. Now, I have anxiety in every day situations and I worry about my health constantly. I'm diving into my genetic results but finding only more problems to make me anxious, only more doubt that maybe my genes are just so terrible that I shouldn't be trying to pass them on, like each of those 3 miscarriages has saved us from some horribly genetically screwed up baby. What I've discovered so far though seems at least partially fixable and I do feel like if I can get that all situated, I will have a much better shot next time around (though honestly, I hope that's a ways off...)

I'm trying to just jump right back into my life, already been to 3 more births (17 total for the year!) and right back into twice weekly prenatal days where I'm palpating pregnant bellies and listening to heart tones. Back to working 3 days a week at a little natural parenting retail store and waiting tables one day a week. It doesn't leave for too much down time but that's kind of how I prefer it.

I'm struggling right now with feeling super, super selfish. We're struggling financially in a big way at the moment, Matt hasn't had a job since mid-Feb, and here I am working my tail off in this midwifery apprenticeship (that doesn't pay) while I do nothing with my nursing license that I spent years trying to get. I have moments of stubborn pride where I feel so certain I am doing the right thing doing what I love right now but for the most part, I just feel like the most selfish wife in the world.  I'm making enough with all my part time jobs to just barely make it by when I could have just one nursing job and probably make twice as much as I am now. I definitely waver back and forth.

I just keep trying to remind myself the difference I'm able to make on an almost daily basis. I feel so much more fulfilled over these last few months than I have in my entire life. I've been privileged to support a mom through a still birth and got to use my knowledge of local resources to help her get some incredible pictures of her sweet baby all while being able to speak words that brought me comfort through my losses. I've got to reassure a mom while she was pushing that everything was going to be good, even if her midwife didn't make it in time (which thankfully, she did.) I've held puke buckets, wiped sweaty faces, cleaned a lot of bath tubs and have never been so thankful and humbled in my entire life. It's a charmed life I lead and though we've definitely seen more than our fair share of hardships and total craptastic luck, we've got a lot of things we're grateful for as well.

Thursday, June 13, 2013

No, seriously, fuck this ridiculously unfair bullshit.

This time last week, I was in a dream world. I felt pregnant, hungover, and couldn't believe there were actually two lines on the test I took. I mean, the timing could have been better. Matt doesn't have a job, I'm staying busy with my unpaid apprenticeship and barely scraping by on my other part time jobs to pay our bills, with the help of our family too. But I just felt so different than I did in November when I was anticipating the miscarriage. I had a nice range of symptoms and was looking forward to a February baby.

Then Sunday, I started having bright red spotting and just knew I was on my way to my 3rd miscarriage. It just keeps continuing, finally getting heavier today with some clots but it still doesn't feel anywhere near over. I took some methergine which was supposed to help things along but it hasn't really changed much so I might have to take it again.

I'm just feeling broken, like my body is a baby killer.

I'm trying to be positive about the fact that I got pregnant at all, totally on my own without the use of a million other hormones. I get that that's a big deal but still, it's hardly a silver lining.

The kicker was that it was Matt's birthday when it started.

I will try to make a big update post from the last few chaotic months but I'm not sure when. I'm thankful that I was able to take off from prenatals this week and that no one has had their baby. I'm thankful my husband is incredible and reassures me at every turn. I'm thankful I have an amazing preceptor midwife who is so loving and supportive. There are certainly things to be thankful for but I still just want to scream a lot.

Sunday, March 10, 2013

I'm not sure it's visible from the outside, but I am having some struggles. I have lots of reasons to be thankful, as I usually do: my first birth as an apprentice, a super successful event I'd been planning for months where the press showed up, we had way more folks that anticipated, & lots of momentum continuing to build, RV dreams now becoming a reality again (in just a few short weeks), lots of feeling like I'm doing what I was always meant to.

I have always been a person who stays busy. Lately though, I stay busy because when I have to focus on my million and one obligations, I can at least quiet down my mind. I find it gets the best of me in the car the most. I thought that being off fertility drugs would help, and it might have, but it feels minuscule. I feel like I carry around this huge weight every day. It's been especially present lately, waiting for just the right moment to jump in and ruin my day. I am hoping to start seeing a therapist soon and perhaps I'm finally to a point where I can be truly honest with someone. Long before anyone knew this blog existed, it kind of served that purpose but it certainly doesn't any longer.

Thursday, February 21, 2013

If you've never heard of ICLW (International Comment Leaving Week) you can read more about it here.  I'll be going around, leaving comments on lots of blogs this week and usually, my blog gets a big boost in traffic as well.

There's not much going on on the baby making front in our lives right now, which is actually kind of nice after over 5 years of the majority of our sex happening in the hopes of a baby. I'll admit it's taking me a little longer than I'd hoped to try and transition back to sex for fun but I'm getting there. It's an entire change in mindset and I'm just trying to give myself space to make the change in thinking. I'm still having more pain (presumably from the endo) than I'd ever had before the surgery but unfortunately I'm kind of getting used to it. I am enjoying a month without ridiculous progeseterone symptoms to plague me. I'll likely start early next week and my boobs don't hurt at all which is pretty glorious. I'm researching what my options might be for pain control and may be doing a round of something, preferably anything but Lupron, in the near-ish future. I'm hoping that by taking baby making off the table all together, it will really help me for real put it aside for a while because it's always still kind of "there" in waiting.

I have worked as a birth doula for the last 6ish years, on and off mostly as my schedule allowed for being on-call. I graduated nursing school in May of 2012 and have been fighting with the state board over licensing ever since. I recently started an apprenticeship with a few different local midwives and it's making my schedule that much more hectic. Right now it's all worked out so far, but it kind of feels like only a matter of time before I miss a birth due to scheduling. I recently quit my nanny job where I've worked for over 3 years and am really, really not looking forward to breaking up with a 4 and a half year old. There will be tears. It just wasn't fair to them for me to always be on call and possibly having to miss work. They are very understanding but it didn't make it any easier. I started working part time at a natural parenting retail store that is co-owned by one of the midwives I'm working with and I've really loved it so far. I'm looking forward to all our big changes.

We had plans to move into an RV this April when our lease ran out but then Matt lost his job unexpectedly and we had to start using out "savings" to just pay our current bills. I'm making some money still by taking a doula client every month but that won't get us by for long. When our lease runs out, we'll still be moving but now it looks like it will be to a small apartment where we'll be able to save just about as much money. We have some big debts that we need to start paying off and I'd like to eventually put some money back to build on some land our friends recently purchased.

Right now, my little mantra has been that if my body isn't going to give me a baby, then it's going to do a million other amazing things for me. I've found a place of peace and for the first time in almost a decade, I really feel like I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be. (And of course, the running joke in our household is that we're going to move from our 3 bedroom home into a small, studio-ish apartment or RV, take on all this extra responsibility, and then I'll end up spontaneously pregnant with triplets or something.)

Friday, February 15, 2013

I feel like I've got way too much to say and no where near enough time to say it. Here's to hoping bullet points help me out again.
  • Last week, Matt lost his job (and his car broke down immediately after). It was a little bit of a shock but thankfully, since we had put back money to buy a cheap RV, we will make it through. It means that we're dipping into that money to pay our bills for the coming month instead of buying an RV but we'll survive. We're going to look for a cheap little apartment close to downtown which shouldn't be too hard to find in this little college town. I'm looking for more bohemian broken up house rather than cookie cutter student apartments but we'll manage either way. 
  • I started my 5th, yes FIFTH, part time job today, working at our local natural parenting store. I meant to quit my nanny job this last week but it's such a hard decision to make since I love that sweet kiddo so much. So right now I watch him twice a week, waitress one day a week, got my doula work, my midwifery apprenticeship, and then now this retail job. It's always interesting to say the least. I think I'm really going to enjoy working there and I look forward to learning a lot more about cloth diapering. I really like all of the people that work there too which is always helpful!
  • And on that whole birthy front, I've been insanely busy. Last Friday, I spent 7am-9pm at one preterm birth, raced with my hazards on to another birth to meet my back up and finally got home around 3am, only to find guests in all my beds and my husband asleep on the couch. I slept for about 2 hours in my little papasan chair then went and ran a 4k (in a pretty delusional state.) I then went to a doula connection meeting, came home & showered, drove an hour and a half to see my dad and his new wife (whom he's been with for 12 years haha!), and came home and crashed. Woke up, waited tables, got a little homework done and then headed off to another preterm birth (this time an apprenticeship person instead of a doula client - and I'd never met her!) I spent the night at the hospital on Sunday night, came home for about 2 hours Monday morning to shower, then went back up there for the labor and birth. I ended up spending the night with that couple's toddler daughter at their apartment on Monday night and then Tuesday morning had prenatals and a full day before work. It's just been a whirlwind and my head is still kind of spinning. 3 births in 4 days left my brain feeling quite mushy and only today am I feeling a little bit more normal.
  • School is kicking my butt just trying to keep up with discussion board posts amidst all my other obligations. I'm planning a launch even for an up and coming non-profit organization created to support breastfeeding education, especially in local businesses, increasing their knowledge of state laws, how to treat and support breastfeeding moms, etc... which is in just a few weeks and is taking up a big chunk of my time too. And I'm supposed to have written an article for another blogger on natural birth and breastfeeding stuff but I haven't done it yet. It's on my to-do list for tomorrow though (and I have a new cute little notepad for my to-do lists.)
  • I'm still dealing with lots of pain, likely from the endo, and I just got my genetic results back from 23&me.com. It showed that I am homozygous positive for one of the MTHFR genes and a few other genetic mutations that screw with folate and b12 regulation. The way it was all described to me also describes a lot of my battles with mental illness since two of the mutations have strong ties to dopamine production and regulation causing extremes in mood. It's all really interesting and I'm thankful that I'm not a carrier for any scary diseases. It pretty much confirms that I should not be eating gluten but I feel like it's going to be such a hard lifestyle move to make that I'm trying to procrastinate til we move in April. Like maybe then I can just leave all the gluten behind. I'm hoping that might help with my pain as well. I've decided if I can't get a handle on the pain by July, if I have to deal with my birthday in pain, then I'll resort to pharmaceutical solutions and really put this whole baby making thing on the back burner. I mean, it's not a focus right now but part of me knows it's still a possibility which is something.
So yeah, life is pretty damn insane right now. And I have to admit, part of me is really loving it. It hasn't all been sunshine and baby rainbows though. Like when Matt and I got into a huge fight right when I was having to leave for that birth on Sunday. We fought on and off through messenger all night long and when I had a chance to run home I tried to smooth it over (at least temporarily) with some sultry bedroom moves but that barely lasted until I could make it home that evening. When I got home, it all blew up in my face, forcing me to take responsibility for my shitty decisions (which is never fun) and suck up my pride. We finally cried it out and it feels like we've put it behind us, though sometimes I glance over and see it just underneath his surface. Sometimes I'm not a very good person but I realize now that it can take a bit of effort not to get oneself into situations that test that. I'm going to do better. I have to.

Thursday, February 7, 2013

A few days before I was set to ovulate last month, I had an abdominal massage with a local midwife/herbalist/all around amazing lady. I had read up on it and felt like I knew what to expect. I was hopeful that because I really liked this lady, it wouldn't be so weird to have someone rubbing all over my stomach, which is by far the part of my body that gets touched the least. I'm no where near the weight I'd like to be so my stomach is kind of my big source of shame. I just wanted to share my experience with you all.  She started off at my feet, doing some reflexology which felt amazing and helped me to get really relaxed. Then she worked her way up my body to my head, keeping that continuous level of touch throughout the entire massage, so that I always had at least a hand on me. She did some cranio-sacral work with my head, also incredibly relaxing, and did something with my ears that made my lady bits aware that something was going on. As she worked her way to my stomach and lower abdomen, I was starting to feel more and more uncomfortable. Once she really starting working on things down there, I started to feel really crampy. She does a lot of energy work and there was actually a point, when she had her hand in the small of my back and her other hand on where you would imagine my uterus to be, that I thought she was burning me. It was so incredibly intense. I tried to focus on everything loosening up and being open to a pregnancy. She later told me that she had a lot of images of a deep, dark cave and that it was her job to clean out the cobwebs. She also said she felt that it was a very guarded area for me and that I carried around some heavy things in my heart. I had to go to work afterwards and the entire drive there is kind of blurry. I was just in this haze of relaxation. I felt amazing, full of life.

I'd hoped it would have made for a less painful period but that was most certainly not the case. This month was just as bad as last month and I have had a few minutes of intermittent cramps throughout the day to let me know my uterus is still pissed off at me. I've started having some pain with sex, which was one of my biggest fears with finding out I had endometriosis, and I've not been real honest about it in the bedroom. I just suck it up and get through, which is not quite the carefree, passionate sex I'd hoped to have in our "off" time. Due to this most recent development, I've been seriously considering rethinking my stance on the Lupron. Does anyone out there have any recommendations about any alternatives, perhaps a birth control of some sort? I just can't deal with this pain during sex (and freaking running too!) Just gotta do some serious research on options.

Sunday, January 27, 2013

Well, today is cd1. I actually thought I'd start two days ago while I was at a birth because of how much I started cramping but I guess my uterus was just having some sympathy pains. It was a spectacular home birth that really solidified my decision to move forward with apprenticeship. I'm still torn on who exactly I will be apprenticing with (if I can't have them both.) I'm waiting to see how it all pans out. And I need to renew my CPR certification so I can send in my apprenticeship license application.

Of course, I just want to lay on my couch all day but instead, I have to put on a happy face and go wait tables. I'll pick up some wine on my way home tonight for sure though. 

While it will be strange not being on drugs for the next few months, I am seriously looking forward to feeling more like myself, being more in control of my emotions. I will have plenty to keep me busy as we transition to RV life, I finish out this semester (and possibly take a summer Chemistry class), start attending a lot more births, push my doula group towards non-profit status, and figure out what it's like to have sex with my husband just because I want to. I'm hoping that by July we will have put back some money for an IUI and I'll push for something other than Clomid (because I added it all up and over the last 2.5 years, I've had 13 rounds of Clomid, way more than EVER recommended.) Who knows, maybe we'll even go to Little Rock for them instead of getting it done with my local OB. I mean, I'm sure it doesn't take much skill to insert a catheter and push in sperm but they have a higher success rate at the big RE clinic.

So I leave with an Avett Brothers song that has resonated with me all morning. <3 br="">

Monday, January 21, 2013

Welcome new comers. You can read more about ICLW in my sidebar if that's not what brought you here.

We've been married (and ttc) since May 2007. I had a miscarriage in September 2008 at 12 weeks. I had a lap in April 2012 to remove stage 2 endometriosis. We've done a crap ton of Clo.mid spread out over about 3 years. In November of 2012, I did Clo.mid days 2-7 and managed to get pregnant, but miscarried a little after 5 weeks. This is our first real cycle since then and I did 100mg of Clo.mid cd2-8 and I'm now 7dpo. This is my first month on progesterone and I'm being a big cry baby about it. My entire chest hurts more than I knew was possible. Like each step jostles a boob just right to leave me making unpleasant faces.

And other than an infertile. I'm also a nursing school graduate, a nanny, a passionate birth doula, and a future midwife. It's a weird field to be in when my body seems so stubborn about making it's own babies but I can't imagine doing anything else. I'm waiting on a couple of babies to be born right now. One of them isn't a client, just a super kind lady who invited me to come observe her homebirth. I'm seriously considering an apprenticeship with a homebirth midwife but feel like I need some more recent homebirth experience to fully make my decision. I usually only have about one homebirth client a year so the opportunity just doesn't  really present itself. We're also making huge plans to downsize from our 3 bedroom home to an RV and I've been enjoying this huge purge-fest.

I figure between huge opportunities to advance my career, a full time college course load, and moving into a teeny tiny space I can't imagine having a baby in, surely I will end up pregnant, right? Isn't that how all this works again?

Sunday, January 20, 2013

Between the progesterone I'm taking this cycle and the 3.6 mile run I did yesterday morning, I kind of hurt all over.

My boobs hurt wayyyyy more (at 6dpo) that I can remember ever happening. I kept waking myself up when I rolled over on my stomach last night. Finally, I decided to get up an hour early and just make some coffee.

And that run kicked my butt, which is super sore today, though my stomach seems to have taken the most of it. I noticed while I was running yesterday that I really twist my body a lot more than I feel like is normal. And my love handles are rebelling. It's going to add a new level of pain to waiting tables.

One of my bestest friends got to stay the night with me last night since her fiance' is recording with his band up in my area. It definitely did not feel like a long enough visit but it feels good to get to see her. I hope that she gets to come back soon. Also, she may be cutting my hair this morning before I go to work if we have enough time.

I'll do a big ICLW post tomorrow!

Sunday, January 13, 2013

I talk a lot here about my lady bits and everything else seems to be less important. I worry when I look back on this time, it will seem like our entire life was just infertility, when that is definitely not the case.  I have some terrible sinus infection going on. And I gave it to Matt. I wouldn't mind being sick if he didn't get sick but he makes everything out to be so much worse. I keep up with my responsibilities whether I'm sick or not and so I just get so frustrated that he's so quick to call into work so that he can inevitably sit at home playing video games all day while I'm waiting tables and being a gross mouth breather.

In an effort to keep track of all the changes we are facing this year, I'm going to bullet point the big stuff and hopefully find time to discuss each one at length in the coming days.


  • We are downsizing from a 3 bedroom house to an RV (or possibly studio apt depending on if we can find a livable RV in our budget.) This is largely to save money. We have friends who just bough 100+ acres 45 minutes south of us and would love to eventually have us live out there on their land with them. In order to build the little cabin I want, we need to save about 10k to put down. Right now, we live at the very tippy top of our means, most of the time wondering how to come up with hundreds of dollars just a few days before rent is due. It was fine with Matt's previous job and would likely be fine if I could ever get my nursing license but right now, it really sucks. Moving into an RV also means we would very quickly, and easily, have the money to try some IUIs and injectable meds sometime in the near future. It means downsizing our pet family quite a bit too (by half at least, though I wouldn't mind finding a home for both cats.) 
  • I'm starting back to school next week. Just some more basic pre-reqs that I didn't have to have for an associate degree in nursing but will need for this master's program, once again waiting on my license. It's four classes that I don't really care for and hope I can just trudge through since they're all online. Having them online will in an ideal world, mean that I have the freedom to maintain my current lifestyle while still getting some sort of forward motion going on the schooling front. 
  • I'm considering taking an apprenticeship with a local homebirth midwife. Although my original plan when going into nursing school was to become a nurse midwife (mostly for the freedom to move a lot more places and still be able to work), I'm leaning away from that more and more. I miss the trust I had in the birth process. I know infertility and loss has taken it's toll on that but nursing school had a big role in it as well. I'm not totally set on it, but the experience would be incredible and in the end, I could still become a nurse midwife, I'd just have this additional skill set. It's a pretty big commitment and can means years of going to births without getting paid. I think I could still get my doula work as much as ever but it would mean that I will be on call all the time instead of just when my clients are between 38-42 weeks. 
  • Matt will hopefully be going back to school in the fall but that requires the RV living to happen so that we can quickly pay down the over $2000 he owes to the school he went to 7 years ago. I'm pretty sure even then he will still have to try and get his other loans out of default. He doesn't seem to understand the weight of all of this on me and thinks me selfish for continuing my education and career path while he is still stuck at a job he hates. Even though we bring in the same amount of money each month, he works 40hrs a week for his while I work probably half that and make the same amount. Pretty sure that pisses him off too. I know he feels like everyone in life is leaving him behind and while I understand that on a certain level, I don't feel like it's fair (or selfish) to accept the opportunities that keep coming my way. I only wish he were more proactive about making his dreams happen, if he even knows what those really are yet. It's gotten to the point where I hate to share any good news about my career life with him because I never get the reaction that I'm hoping for. I just need to have a big "hash out my relationship problems for everyone to see" post and get it all out there.

So yeah, lots of big things happening, and I'm sure I'm forgetting something that I'll remember later but you get the picture. Life is chaotic. Love is irrational. I'm just going to keep repeating to myself that change is good, sacrifices will be worth it, and everything will find a way to work itself out. And now for waiting on tables full of angry post church crowds who venture out into the freezing temperatures before trying to take a friend out for a birthday drink. 

Sunday, January 6, 2013

After all the hype of adding a trigger this cycle, that does not seem like it will be happening. I'm only on cd9 but right now, it doesn't look like we'll be shelling out the couple hundred dollars for the totally uncovered by insurance trigger. We did 7 days of Clomid instead of the usual 5, just like we did two months ago when I conceived and I'm telling myself, we didn't need the trigger then so hopefully it won't really matter that we aren't doing it this month. I'm more concerned about trying to correct my low progesterone. I wonder if my progesterone has been low for some time but since I don't have a short luteal phase or any other symptoms, it's gone undetected til the blood work for the ultrasound.

I'm hoping to consult with a local midwife and master herbalist later this week (who I will soon be partnering with on my doula business which is super exciting!) and she does Mayan abdominal massage (known for success in breaking up adhesions) so I'm hoping to get that done, as well as get some natural progesterone cream. I could get my dr to prescribe some, but it's pretty pricey and I'm pinching pennies this month.

Doula business is booming though so I can't complain on that front. I love getting the privilege to attend so many births (and my last one was a couple who dealt with infertility which was even more rewarding than my norm.) It has it's moments where it's rough and makes me wonder if I'll ever be in their position, but for the most part, it's just a totally amazing experience for everyone involved. I can't imagine doing any other kind of work. And with a birth center finally opening up in our area, I'm thinking 2013 is a great year to have a baby up here!

I usually wait tables on Sundays but just so happened to have today off and I'm loving it. I laid in bed til noon, still haven't put on clothes yet, and I think I may go for a little local hike. All of this is made possible by the fact that one of my closest friends loaned me their extra car so that we're not having to rely on one vehicle to get us both to work, friends, and with me on call, we just never know when I'll be stuck at a birth for over 24hrs leaving Matt stranded. It's been stressful and had become the thing we fought about most. I'm very happy to have that stress lifted and hope that with school starting in a little over a week that it won't be replaced.

Still feeling optimistic about this month and it's made even better by this patch of can't-keep-our-hands-off-each-other love we got goin' on right now!

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