Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Or so I'm hoping. My beta from Monday was 0. They said they're not sure if I will bleed more or not. I may even ovulate again first. They also told me to count my first day of bleeding from two weeks ago as CD1 despite the fact that my beta was increasing after that point. If I do that, then I might ovulate this week. I'm still afraid not to wear a pad or pantyliner of some sort with all the uncertainty of whether I'll actually bleed more or not. With as horrible as my miscarriage was four years ago, I'm plenty fine with skipping that.

I'm not really ready to process it yet. Maybe I don't have anything to process. I don't know. Matt has definitely taken it harder, at least outwardly, like this event really made everything we've done to try and have a baby kind of sink in a little more. I still just feel kind of numb about the whole ordeal. I'm dreading getting the bill from those 3 pointless betas but it mostly feels easier to just pretend it never happened.

Since I'm not bleeding, I guess we're gonna start trying pretty quickly, and maybe my hormones are still kind of wacky because it's not taking much more than a random dirty thought to get things going. We've had company pretty constantly for the last month or so but it hasn't stopped us yet.

And all of this mess has given me a good excuse to drink copious amounts of wine while eating handfuls of sugary candies and giving every one a look that says, "say something, I dare you." It may be time to start running again.

3 comments:

Julie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
twopinktulips said...

(sorry, used the wrong account last time!)

So unfair, hun. So, so unfair. It makes me angry when awesome people like you have to go through this (and AGAIN, too) when you deserve to be happy and have what you've been wanting so desperately. So, so unfair. I'm so sorry. :(

Angela D said...

Wanted to stop in and say I am sorry. I've just had my second miscarriage in 7 months of IVF and understand the frustration and sadness you are experiencing. I'm ready to take a break and focus on accomplishing something other than trying to make a baby right now. I was thinking running, but drinking copious amounts of wine has an appeal too. Be kind to yourself.

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