Saturday, December 22, 2012

Welcome new faces! You're not coming in at the most exciting time but I'm still here. A quick rundown of the story is that we've been married over 5 years, one miscarriage at 12 weeks in the fall of 2008, laproscopy in April to remove stage 2 endometriosis, another miscarriage last month at 5 weeks, and now I'm waiting on the lovely red witch. I'm choosing to be optimistic that I got pregnant at all and it gave me some kind of validation that I made the right choice in having the surgery, despite having to pay entirely out of pocket.

After being faked out by my body a couple times this month, I think I finally O'd 6 days ago. I also think I had cd1 marked on the wrong day. First, I put it as my first day of bleeding when I first starting getting positive hpts but I think really it's more like that second bit of bleeding was more period like in nature. And it makes my O date much more likely. I'm not really even sure I O'd honestly. I didn't use opks this month, just went off of cervical fluid and position, along with some ovulation like pain. I'd just like to go ahead and get AF so I can start the Clo.mid again, though I guess I wouldn't be all that upset if I randomly got pregnant two months in a row after 4 years of nothing. Maybe I'll try Fem.era sometime next year, or better yet, actually be able to afford an IUI. I just got the bill in for the 3 betas I had done last month and it's about $200 since the lab my dr's office uses is "out of network" (even though the doctor's office itself is in network.) Ugh. Stupid insurance crap.

My favorite, favorite, favorite grandmother (Nana)  is staying the weekend with us and it's been great getting to spend some time with her. She lives about 3 and a half hours away so we don't get to see much of each other and she told me she lives a very lonely life. I confessed to her about the miscarraige last month and cried with my head in her lap. It was so bittersweet. She had a knee replacement shortly before my nursing school graduation and endured quite a bit of pain just to be able to pin me in our ceremony. And now her other knee has gone out and she's having a very difficult time getting around, even having to use a walker if she's going very far at all. The 3 of us went out for lunch today and it just exhausted her. She's actually in the guest room resting right now. I have to work tomorrow so she'll have to hang out here by herself for a bit, but hopefully we'll get to squeeze in some more quality time tomorrow evening too. My stepmom will be picking Nana back up Monday morning, on her way back home from seeing her daughter (my stepsister) in a neighboring state.

I may finally be willing to admit that I'm struggling with some pretty serious depression right now. I lack the drive to do much of anything, cry at the drop of a hat, take about one shower a week, and can't stand to be around much of anyone. I get so anxious having to go out to the store that I have even cried. I had to go to wal.mart yesterday and it was the first time in a long time that Matt had to join me. There was so much traffic that it took us twice as long to get there and twice as long to find a parking spot, meaning I was already anxious. Then it was just so packed inside that we kept having to wait our turns to pull the cart out into the traffic. I had to keep my hands in the pockets of my jacket, where I picked at my cuticles nervously. It seems so stupid and I keep telling myself it's just because there are so many people out for holiday shopping, that it will get better after the new year, and I really hope it's not just  a lie I'm telling myself, because I'm not sure I can live like this.

So yeah, depressed, kind of pissed off, but still feeling ready to be pregnant again. It doesn't have to be rational, right?

Hope you all have a wonderful holiday season full of love, family, and memory making!


Julia Spencer said...

I can relate to your comments about being willing to admit you are depressed. Mine comes in waves I've noticed. Pretty much everything you wrote in that paragraph I could have said myself. I'm feeling pretty low myself.

I'm glad you have some nice time with your Nana. I bet she will enjoy a little quiet time resting while you are at work. She sounds like a wonderful person. You do too btw. :)

FrozenOJ said...

Hi from ICLW! I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. I just went through one myself two months ago and was definitely depressed for a while. I *think* I ovulated for the first time post-loss yesterday and I'm definitely ready to be pregnant again too! I don't think I could have handled it very well that first cycle. I had the anxiety too but it has also cleared up a lot. I hope you are able to recover mentally and emotionally soon. But most of all I wish your rainbow baby will arrive quickly and be very, very sticky!

Azara said...

I deal with depression and anxiety too. When I'm not taking medication grocery shopping/Wal-Mart are difficult to deal with.

I don't know whether you have a history with depression/anxiety but please feel free to e-mail me with any questions or if you just want to talk. Mine was much worse during pregnancy and post-partum, so if you're struggling now it could get rough with the rainbow baby I hope is coming soon for you. Although keep in mind you're having some hard-core hormonal swings having just had a miscarriage, not to mention the actual grief itself.

Hoping for the best for you - hugs. I'm visiting from ICLW.

Infertile625 said...

Here from ICLW. So sorry for your losses. Anxiety is a very real ugly monster. I'm glad that you are honest about how you are feeling and pray for peace to find you. So glad you have your favorite Nana near you now. XOXO

mommy someday said...

Hello from ICLW. Happy Holidays!

dspence said...

I'm so sorry for your losses! I deal with a bit of depression, too, and get a lot of help from taking 5-HTP. I hope you managed to have a Merry Christmas!

Kristin said...

Rochelle, I am so sorry to read about your infertility struggles and my heart went out to you when I read about your two losses. I went through multiple losses myself and, at one point, I sunk into a horrible depression. I'm not ashamed to say it took a few months of chemical help (yay for lexapro) to get me out of it. If there is anything I can do to help or any questions I can answer, feel free to contact me. Good luck.

ICLW #6 Dragondreamer's Lair

Amber said...

You have every right to feel pissed off. I would be too. I am so sorry for your losses. The thought petrifies me and I cannot imagine what it must be like for you. Like you said, the good news is that you can get pregnant! Now hopefully it will happen again for you soon.

JenS said...

Here from ICLW. So sorry for your loss. I was really depressed after my 2nd IVF failed and really I am just starting to come out of it. I have good days and bad days. I hope it gets better for you soon.

Jamie said...

My heart goes out to you. Infertility and depression are such cruel witches. Wishing you a positive turn of events really soon!

Stephanie said...

So sorry to hear of your losses. :( I hope you had a nice visit with Nana though!

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