I started bleeding bright red again yesterday, just a little more than what I would consider spotting. It was unsettling but I was trying to stay as optimistic as possible, while still keep myself guarded. We had company that we didn't want to even know about the pregnancy which has made all of it a little more stressful than it needed to be. I really overdid it on Friday hiking with our company and thought the bleeding was just my body's way to telling me to take it a little easier. Since getting the beta results on Wednesday, I hadn't taken any more pregnancy tests, in an attempt to salvage some sanity, but after the bleeding yesterday, I decided it would bring me piece of mind to see those bright pink lines again so I bought some. I figured when I woke up this morning, I'd pee on one, see two big lines and just go about my day of waitressing with some reassurance. Instead, I saw such a teeny tiny hint of a line that probably isn't visible to non-professional eyes that it could only mean one thing. The End Is Near.
I continued to bleed on and off today, starting to cramp on and off. My right shoulder is achey, which worries me like nothing else and makes me terrified that my earliest suspicions were right. No more sore boobs. No more frequent bathroom trips (except to see if I'm bleeding heavier yet). No more hope, not even a sliver. I'm going to call my clinic in the morning and see if they really want to make me come in for that blood draw tomorrow. I have no idea if anything will need to be done at this point. I mean, I'm only 5 weeks, won't my body realize pretty quickly that nothing is growing anymore? If it were ectopic, wouldn't my body being putting out enough hcg to turn a test positive? I'm thinking that I will likely go see my herbalist midwife friend to set me up with a nice concoction to get this show on the road if I can get the go ahead from my doctor's nurse. I'm strangely anxious to try again.
I don't have the same feelings as I did four years ago. Then it was entirely unexpected and out of the blue after 12 blissful weeks of nausea, vomitting, and cravings. This time, I saw it coming as soon as I saw that first bit of blood on the toilet paper. My intuition told me, this wasn't going to be the baby I'd get to finally meet. My brain tried to tell me with night after night of waking many times from nightmares where I was sleeping in pools and puddles of blood. I have hardly cried about it at all yet, just some tearing up here and there in conversation. When I finally let go, it's not going to be pretty. I promise not to lose my mind like I did four years ago. I promise to cling tight to the friends and love in my life. I promise to let their love help overpower the sadness and self loathing that I know is to come. It's just all together different. I'm thankful that I told the people that I told and that we didn't tell our families. I suck at breaking bad news. I'll update again tomorrow afternoon most likley.