Saturday, December 29, 2012

Well, at least I can stay thankful that my cycles are regular, even after this last miscarriage. It's been quite a bit more painful than I was anticipating but I had some left over drugs to make it a little more tolerable. Today is day one and tomorrow, I'll start the Clo.mid again and hope it works better than last time. I'll take it days 2-8 and then start opks on day 11. Once it looks almost positive, then we'll add in a trigger shot (which I have never, ever done before) and cross all our fingers. I'm feeling hopeful about this month. Not so excited about giving myself a shot in the ass, but I doubt I'll have the heuvos to have Matt do it for me.

Still struggling to overcome this depression and get anything done, but feeling like it may be on the upswing. I know I'm a weirdo, but I get kind of a high from the Clo.mid. I mean, I'm bitchy as can be but at least I'm not sad. I'm going to attempt to start running again. I quit running in early October when I threw my back out and just haven't been able to get back into the swing of things. I'm hoping it will play a role in turning this god awful mood of mine around.

I also got to go to a pretty incredible birth yesterday too (of a client who also dealt with infertility) which has definitely played a role in me feeling a little better, more optimistic. It was a nice reminder why we're putting ourselves through this. There was validation in watching years of waiting melt away as they saw their son for the very first time. I have a pretty amazing job!

Thursday, December 27, 2012

Hey, just wanted to share some of the pictures we got from my graduation and our vow renewal in May. We were given a beautiful album full of them (and even a CD with the images with this super amazing photographer almost never does!) I love them so much and wanted to share them off on this last day of ICLW. Hope you enjoy!

Me & a bestie

My goofy love

Right after Nana pinned me

My mom looking very proud

Vow Renewal/ Party setup

The neighborhood scraggly fox stopped by

Our closest family and friends

Our amazing love

Matt's family

My family (minus my mom previously pictured)

Me & my Nana again

Proof that I get even more ridiculous around babies

Showing those who came before us

Me & my 3 younger brothers

I hand embroidered this little firefly on my dress 

My favorite picture of me ever 
I wish I didn't look so terrified!! 

I love them all so much and couldn't choose just a few to share. There are so many more amazing ones I'm keeping to myself too!

Saturday, December 22, 2012

Welcome new faces! You're not coming in at the most exciting time but I'm still here. A quick rundown of the story is that we've been married over 5 years, one miscarriage at 12 weeks in the fall of 2008, laproscopy in April to remove stage 2 endometriosis, another miscarriage last month at 5 weeks, and now I'm waiting on the lovely red witch. I'm choosing to be optimistic that I got pregnant at all and it gave me some kind of validation that I made the right choice in having the surgery, despite having to pay entirely out of pocket.

After being faked out by my body a couple times this month, I think I finally O'd 6 days ago. I also think I had cd1 marked on the wrong day. First, I put it as my first day of bleeding when I first starting getting positive hpts but I think really it's more like that second bit of bleeding was more period like in nature. And it makes my O date much more likely. I'm not really even sure I O'd honestly. I didn't use opks this month, just went off of cervical fluid and position, along with some ovulation like pain. I'd just like to go ahead and get AF so I can start the Clo.mid again, though I guess I wouldn't be all that upset if I randomly got pregnant two months in a row after 4 years of nothing. Maybe I'll try Fem.era sometime next year, or better yet, actually be able to afford an IUI. I just got the bill in for the 3 betas I had done last month and it's about $200 since the lab my dr's office uses is "out of network" (even though the doctor's office itself is in network.) Ugh. Stupid insurance crap.

My favorite, favorite, favorite grandmother (Nana)  is staying the weekend with us and it's been great getting to spend some time with her. She lives about 3 and a half hours away so we don't get to see much of each other and she told me she lives a very lonely life. I confessed to her about the miscarraige last month and cried with my head in her lap. It was so bittersweet. She had a knee replacement shortly before my nursing school graduation and endured quite a bit of pain just to be able to pin me in our ceremony. And now her other knee has gone out and she's having a very difficult time getting around, even having to use a walker if she's going very far at all. The 3 of us went out for lunch today and it just exhausted her. She's actually in the guest room resting right now. I have to work tomorrow so she'll have to hang out here by herself for a bit, but hopefully we'll get to squeeze in some more quality time tomorrow evening too. My stepmom will be picking Nana back up Monday morning, on her way back home from seeing her daughter (my stepsister) in a neighboring state.

I may finally be willing to admit that I'm struggling with some pretty serious depression right now. I lack the drive to do much of anything, cry at the drop of a hat, take about one shower a week, and can't stand to be around much of anyone. I get so anxious having to go out to the store that I have even cried. I had to go to wal.mart yesterday and it was the first time in a long time that Matt had to join me. There was so much traffic that it took us twice as long to get there and twice as long to find a parking spot, meaning I was already anxious. Then it was just so packed inside that we kept having to wait our turns to pull the cart out into the traffic. I had to keep my hands in the pockets of my jacket, where I picked at my cuticles nervously. It seems so stupid and I keep telling myself it's just because there are so many people out for holiday shopping, that it will get better after the new year, and I really hope it's not just  a lie I'm telling myself, because I'm not sure I can live like this.

So yeah, depressed, kind of pissed off, but still feeling ready to be pregnant again. It doesn't have to be rational, right?

Hope you all have a wonderful holiday season full of love, family, and memory making!

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Or so I'm hoping. My beta from Monday was 0. They said they're not sure if I will bleed more or not. I may even ovulate again first. They also told me to count my first day of bleeding from two weeks ago as CD1 despite the fact that my beta was increasing after that point. If I do that, then I might ovulate this week. I'm still afraid not to wear a pad or pantyliner of some sort with all the uncertainty of whether I'll actually bleed more or not. With as horrible as my miscarriage was four years ago, I'm plenty fine with skipping that.

I'm not really ready to process it yet. Maybe I don't have anything to process. I don't know. Matt has definitely taken it harder, at least outwardly, like this event really made everything we've done to try and have a baby kind of sink in a little more. I still just feel kind of numb about the whole ordeal. I'm dreading getting the bill from those 3 pointless betas but it mostly feels easier to just pretend it never happened.

Since I'm not bleeding, I guess we're gonna start trying pretty quickly, and maybe my hormones are still kind of wacky because it's not taking much more than a random dirty thought to get things going. We've had company pretty constantly for the last month or so but it hasn't stopped us yet.

And all of this mess has given me a good excuse to drink copious amounts of wine while eating handfuls of sugary candies and giving every one a look that says, "say something, I dare you." It may be time to start running again.

Sunday, December 2, 2012

I started bleeding bright red again yesterday, just a little more than what I would consider spotting. It was unsettling but I was trying to stay as optimistic as possible, while still keep myself guarded. We had company that we didn't want to even know about the pregnancy which has made all of it a little more stressful than it needed to be. I really overdid it on Friday hiking with our company and thought the bleeding was just my body's way to telling me to take it a little easier. Since getting the beta results on Wednesday, I hadn't taken any more pregnancy tests, in an attempt to salvage some sanity, but after the bleeding yesterday, I decided it would bring me piece of mind to see those bright pink lines again so I bought some. I figured when I woke up this morning, I'd pee on one, see two big lines and just go about my day of waitressing with some reassurance. Instead, I saw such a teeny tiny hint of a line that probably isn't visible to non-professional eyes that it could only mean one thing. The End Is Near.

I continued to bleed on and off today, starting to cramp on and off. My right shoulder is achey, which worries me like nothing else and makes me terrified that my earliest suspicions were right. No more sore boobs. No more frequent bathroom trips (except to see if I'm bleeding heavier yet). No more hope, not even a sliver. I'm going to call my clinic in the morning and see if they really want to make me come in for that blood draw tomorrow. I have no idea if anything will need to be done at this point. I mean, I'm only 5 weeks, won't my body realize pretty quickly that nothing is growing anymore? If it were ectopic, wouldn't my body being putting out enough hcg to turn a test positive? I'm thinking that I will likely go see my herbalist midwife friend to set me up with a nice concoction to get this show on the road if I can get the go ahead from my doctor's nurse. I'm strangely anxious to try again.

I don't have the same feelings as I did four years ago. Then it was entirely unexpected and out of the blue after 12 blissful weeks of nausea, vomitting, and cravings. This time, I saw it coming as soon as I saw that first bit of blood on the toilet paper. My intuition told me, this wasn't going to be the baby I'd get to finally meet. My brain tried to tell me with night after night of waking many times from nightmares where I was sleeping in pools and puddles of blood. I have hardly cried about it at all yet, just some tearing up here and there in conversation. When I finally let go, it's not going to be pretty. I promise not to lose my mind like I did four years ago. I promise to cling tight to the friends and love in my life. I promise to let their love help overpower the sadness and self loathing that I know is to come. It's just all together different. I'm thankful that I told the people that I told and that we didn't tell our families. I suck at breaking bad news. I'll update again tomorrow afternoon most likley.

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