Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Well, my beta on Monday was 79 and it went up to 123 on Tuesday. They said my progesterone was a little low, but that could be from being so early still, though it makes me even more weary of getting hopeful. They want me to come back on Monday for another and go from there on the next step. I am super crampy and my back aches and I'm soooo tired.
My progression so far. First two
were before the bleeding and the other 3 were the last few days
I went 48 hours with only 2 hours of sleep because of a long birth so the fatigue I was feeling before has been amplified. Got another darker pregnancy test yesterday before I went for my second beta.  I've been trying to keep myself busy and pretend like my lack of appetite and slight waves of nausea are just from nerves.

I did get our xmas cards done though! I like them and think they really fit our personality! I can't wait to start sending them out!

Stationery card
View the entire collection of cards.

Monday, November 26, 2012

I'm about to leave and get my first beta. I'm really just trying to expect the worst news but hope is managing to creep it's way in. I was frozen with fear when calling them and then I had to leave a voicemail and wait for them to call back. Now the order is in at the lab and all I have to do is walk in. 

I'm still all crampy, super tired, my boobs hurt, and the bleeding has totally stopped so it's hard not to hope. 

My client's early labor didn't progress like we'd hoped so I'll be going up to the hospital later in the day for a birth which will hopefully give me at least a few moments where I can not obsess over things that are out of my control completely. 

Sunday, November 25, 2012

Well, just when I was ready to move on, had started taking this month's Clo.mid, and just wanted to take another test so that I could assure myself that I was ok to keep taking the Clo.mid, last night's test, after absolutely no pee holding, was darker than any of the ones before the bleeding.

I will be making an appointment with my doctor's office tomorrow in the hopes that we can figure out what's going on. Of course, I want to hope for the best while still preparing myself for the worse and now instead of just being sad that we lost another pregnancy, I'm worried I'll end up losing a tube or have some retained tissue or some other super awful thing.

And my client's water broke pretty recently so I'm going to be attending a birth in the imminent future while all this weighs on my mind. Should be interesting.

Thursday, November 22, 2012

Yesterday was a pretty great day. In the morning, I got a faint positive on a FRER and went about my day optimistically. I bought some answer brand tests and clear blue digital ones and then went to a movie with a friend. The showing we were going to see was sold out so we bought tickets for the next one and decided to go get something to eat real quick. Most places were closed since it was Thanksgiving Eve (is that a thing?) so we ended up in a place where the servers wear very little clothing and plaid push up bras, and she convinced me to pee on a test there (it didn't take much.) It was positive right away and I got even more optimistic. Before I went to bed last night, I decided to pee on a digital test just for the hell of it and to my surprise, it said pregnant. I went to bed on a high, full of ideas about how to tell Matt this morning.

Instead of making Matt french toast and finding some cutesy way of slipping him my pregnancy test, I immediately found bright red blood. I was kind of a mess so I had to explain to Matt through tears why. I had to work waiting tables from 10-5 (which was pretty awful, even if I did make really good money) and all I could think about was how dumb I was for hoping. I was on the verge of tears for most of it. I did get to have an amazing meal with some of my close friends, who really are family to me, and bask in the love that radiates through that house. Those boys make me feel like a celebrity every time I come over, waiting by the front window for me, shouting "Hooray" and hugging me as soon as they see me. It's pretty great.

But yeah, probably just had a chemical pregnancy. Going to try to take it as a good sign. Refilled my Clo.mid prescription and hoping that my body decides to give me the real deal next month.

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Welcome ICLW-er's! Glad to have you making the rounds again! You can read about our journey here. Right now, I'm waiting to find out if this random Clo.mid cycle is another bust. We're financially stuck in limbo, just doing some unmonitored Clo.mid cycles every couple of months when things start to feel stagnant.

Call it bad timing, call it my usual luck, but I'm supposed to start my period tomorrow, which for all us Americans is Thanksgiving. This will be our first holiday not driving home (4ish hours away) to see our families. I'm on call for a doula client who is due any day now so I can't go more than an hour away. The husband works for a residential drug rehab for teenage boys, and since they don't get to go home for the holidays, neither does he. He works all day tomorrow and since I didn't want to sit at home alone, I agreed to do some waitressing to keep myself busy. The additional money won't hurt either, of course.

My mind is totally somewhere else today and I'm not ready to talk about it just yet. Please feel free to look around, don't feel like you have to just comment here. I promise, sometimes I actually have interesting things to say.

Monday, November 5, 2012

I've fallen into a slump. Not sure how it happened, or why, but I can't seem to find my way back out. I thought some steamy married folk fun would bring me out, and it did, but only temporarily. Maybe it's the Clo.mid, maybe it's that it's been 6 months since I graduated nursing school and I'm still license-less, under employed, and broke, maybe it's our still childless home, maybe it's the looming election and my ovaries are arming themselves for the worst. All I know, is that it really, really fucking sucks.

I spend a lot of time just sitting and staring into space. Ok, so that's not entirely true...I spend a lot of time sitting and staring at my television screen while I mindlessly watch Gossip Girl (and yeah, I'm super ashamed of it!) I'm not sure how I ended up this addicted but it does give my depression an outlet.

Here's to self medication and drowning sorrows...

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