Sunday, September 2, 2012

Gah. So who knows when I will get my results. After many phone calls, I finally tracked down the reason I couldn't get my results online. Apparently, it was a mistake that I even got to take the test since they haven't fully processed my application. We were told to self-report on our state board application if we've ever had any sort of charge against us, even if it was a juvenile offense. While I now know I should have just checked the "no" box, I was bullied into putting the time that I got in a bathroom girl fight when I was 14 and threw a girl's backpack into the toilet, getting charged with criminal mischief. This doesn't show up on any background check, no matter how deep, but since I self-reported, now I have to provide documentation that may or may not still exist before they will give me my results. And of course, it can't be easy like a phone call or a fax. Instead, I have to drive 8 hours round trip in the hopes that they can track something down that shows that I have paid my dues (11 freaking years ago!!!)

It just feels like it's always something. One road block after another. Then this past week, after putting $30 in the gas tank and heading to pick up Matt from work, I started smelling gas. Quickly realized something wasn't right as my gas gauge started falling and barely made it to pick him up before it died in the middle of the street. He pushed it into a parking lot and we spent the next 3 days figuring out what we needed to do to get it fixed, which ended up with taking it to a dealership our friend works at and accepting his offer to put the bill on his dad's credit card. So now we just owe money to more people but at least we have a car. Being stranded while on call for my doula job was more stress than I needed on top of everything else. Thankfully, that sweet little baby waited until we had our car back to make her appearance. I was at the hospital with my clients from Friday evening until around 6am on Saturday morning and then spent all day yesterday exhausted with some random naps.

I have to wait tables today which I am majorly dreading but we're so broke, I should just be thankful for some extra money. I'm just pretty consistently in a bad mood lately. As you can imagine, it's not really doing wonders for me on the  relationship front. Not just with Matt but with my friends and family as well. I have become the master of avoiding phone calls and replying to texts days after they were sent. I am dealing with just a lot of negative thinking, building resentment for people and things in my life, and a very real sense of drowning. I've just kind of let bitchiness seep in everywhere and fills the cracks where sadness is trying to creep out. It's my big bad defense mechanism and it works pretty well at driving folks away. Then, in one quick move, something else will happen, more terrible luck of some sort, and I will be thrown into full on meltdown mode. It doesn't take much and if I had better insurance, I'd be seeking out some drugs but for now, I just close it up inside myself and wait for the current storm to pass in the hope that during the lull between mishaps I can recover the strength I feel I've lost somewhere along the way in the last few months. Sex is the last thing I want anything to do with right now as that involves a closeness and vulnerability that I feel like would lead to a break down, and lets face it, I put Matt through enough without having to sob during or after sex. Besides, I haven't taken a shower in like a week now so I'd just like everyone to keep their distance at this point. With that no where on my radar, baby making just hasn't been something I've thought about very often lately except to think about how pointless it seems right now and make myself feel shittier.

I'm just falling behind on all my responsibilities and still can't say no to taking on too much. I have been the only coordinator for the local rally that is part of the National Rally for Improving Birth being held nationwide tomorrow which means that it hasn't gotten as much promotion as I would have liked. I hope it's not a huge flop but don't really have the energy to do much about it. I'm also running another 5k tomorrow but it's been a week since I ran last so I'm sure it will be horrible. I don't even want to spend time with myself (which is what I feel like when I run) so I've been avoiding me too. Sorry for the big, uplifting post but that's just where I am right now. Who knows, maybe I'll wake up tomorrow and thing will just suck less but I'm not going to hold my breath.

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