It's creeping up on me. I feel it coming on. This time four years ago, I was happy. Things were no where near perfect but I remember being happy. It was also around this time that I stopped feeling nauseated 24/7. Our baby had likely already been dead weeks but I was clueless. Part of me wonders if I will ever be that happy again. A week from tomorrow will make four years. It's hard to imagine that it was that long ago. Each year, the pain gets a little better and a little worse.
As fate would have it, one of my best friend's birthdays falls on that exact day. Like the universe wanted to make sure I couldn't be completely miserable on that day but also that I'd have a good excuse to have a drink at the same time.
That sweet lost baby is on my mind so often these days. As I lay beside my sweet ninja.kiddo tonight, rubbing his back as he drifted off into sleep while we waited for his parents to get home, it came to me that our child would only be a few months younger than him and my mind quickly spiraled into how different our lives could be. I have longed to be a parent for so long now that I just can't picture it actually happening anymore. It's been four years without being even a little pregnant.
Just having an off day and those seem to come a little more frequently these days.