Friday, September 28, 2012

In case you've missed it, we've had quite a run of terrible luck lately. To add to it, just a few days ago the brakes in our one working vehicle went out. We were going to barely be scraping by paying all our bills right now on time and there was pretty much no way we could have bought new brakes. I called my mom to see if she could get us a discounted price through their business account with the auto parts store and she sensed the total desperation in my voice as I tried to hold myself together long enough to get through the conversation. She said she was going to see what she could do and call me back. I figured that at most, they might be able to pitch in to help us buy the part & they'd be there for phone support to help us change the parts out. I was incredibly shocked when she called back to let me know that not only were they going to buy the parts, but they were going to drive the 3+ hours to my home pulling a trailer full of everything they could need to fix our car and help us get it going again. They also towed away my other (non-working) car to see if they can fix it, and if they can't, I get the pleasure of demolishing it before they take it in for scrap. My mom even said she'd teach me how to drive the bulldozer so I can use it to beat that pain the ass of a car to a pulp. So this past Wednesday, my mom, my uncle, and my nephew all drove up here to save our asses. It happened to be my nephew's birthday and he was pretty excited to be able to just watch Netflix all day & play on our laptop since he's home-schooled on my mom's little farm and he's used to always having a long list of chores to keep him busy. It didn't take my uncle very long to figure out we needed a new master cylinder for our brakes, as well as new spark plugs and wires. They made a trip to the auto parts store and spent almost $200, bought us some Taco Bell, and came back to get to work. After they got the brakes fixed, they loaded up our broken down car onto their trailer and then my mom & I went grocery shopping. I looked at our bank account and knew I had about $80 max with which to buy us food for the next 10 days or so. On the way there my mom told me that she would pay for the groceries and she wanted me to use my money to get gas to fill up our car. She went through Walmart picking out meals for us. Meals that we usually don't eat but stuff that was cheap and would make multiple things. She bought us a lot of staple foods and my face definitely shown that I was overwhelmed. I think it's more food than has been in my house the entire time we've lived here. We came back home, made some pizza for the boys, made some chocolate cupcakes with chocolate chip icing for the birthday boy, and just had a good time in each other's company.

I still find myself in shock from time to time that my mom and I have a pretty good relationship now. Throughout most of my teenage years, we fought like crazy, both being physically and verbally abusive to each other. Moving in with my dad seemed only to intensify how much hatred I had for her. It wasn't until after Matt & I had started dating that she and I finally even started talking to each other again. Matt and I actually lived on her property when we first got married until we could afford our own apartment. It's nice to see it come full circle and while there are still many wounds there from my adolescence, they just might have started to scab over a little.

I am just feeling really thankful for my family right now. For the family I was born into, the one I married into, the one I merged into after over a decade, and the one that we continue to build for each other. Without them, our crapptastic luck would have been unbearable but because of their support, love, and never ending faith in our capacity to make our lives better, we have been able to endure. We make it over one hurdle only to find a few more detours, roadblocks, and dead ends on the other side. I know we'll make it through but I don't think either of us have been unchanged by all this. We walk around a little more cynical and jaded, glaring suspiciously when hope tries to rear it's ugly head. There's no one else I'd rather stand with on this journey than Matt (and he reminded me of that for the millionth time today as he volunteered to throw my banana peel at the folks protesting in front of the planned parenthood down the road from us...and followed through!)

Thursday, September 20, 2012

Welcome everyone from ICLW! Learn more about it on my side bar if you're not in the know. You can read more about us and our infertility journey here. Right now, we're just kicking back and enjoying the ride as we deal with some tough financial times and the realization that we're far too broke to have a kid (or at least too broke to get approved to foster-adopt or continue fertility treatments.) I could always go for more clomid but I'm kind of enjoying the small bit of sanity I have at the moment. I'm kind of boring right now as I am crazy busy with my doula business and the budding doula group in my area. I'll hopefully be hearing about my NCLEX exam results sometime soon and I'll finally be an R.N and with any luck, I can get a job that will turn our entire checking account around. Stick around, I'm sure things will get more exciting soon (and sweet baby jesus I hope it's a good kind of exciting.)

Monday, September 17, 2012

I got a lot accomplished today. Or at least, I feel like I did. I visited with a friend this morning that I hadn't seen since we graduated high school. I'm not sure I would have thought we'd one day have so much in common but the hours flew by quickly as we caught up (and I met her absolutely adorable son.) Then I got some emailing done and went to visit with some more friends (and eat delicious strawberry whipped pie.)

And lastly, I carpooled to an ICAN meeting with my current client who is hoping when she wakes up every day that she will go into labor that day. It will probably be a few more weeks so I was glad she went to the meeting to soak up some extra encouragement.

Sunday, September 16, 2012

       Well Friday I finally drove the 4 hours I needed to in order to retrieve what I hope was the necessary documents that the state board needs to see that, yes, I was indeed 12 years old when I threw some girl's backpack in the toilet and got criminal mischief. I'm sure I'll have more hoops to jump through now but I won't find that out until tomorrow when I call up there (not that this lady will likely call me back though.) I'm anticipating the need for character references so I'll be sending out an email blast to a ton of people if that's the case. I jokingly want to send them like 50 of them, perhaps bound together in a nice coffee table book full of lovely words about me in 50pt fonts. I hand delivered the papers to the state board office, waiting in their lobby for over 30 minutes just so I could hand it to a real person. When she told me I could have just left the envelope there on the counter, I explained she didn't understand my luck lately, which is why I didn't trust putting it in the mail either.
         After getting that taken care of, I got to go get my haircut for the first time since November, which meant seeing one of my best friends for a little bit since she is my rockin' hair stylist. You can't really tell I got a hair cut at all except that my ends don't look crunchy and I have a few more layers around my face. It's still super long (which means super low maintenance) and I love it. I just get out of the shower, towel dry it real quick, and go about my day. I never knew I'd be so thankful for my board straight hair. 
       Then, I got to see my other bestie, right after passing her cytotechnology board exam! Since I hand over my state nursing students association board position next month, I'm not sure we'll get to continue our once monthly visits and I've come to rely on them for sanity. Her husband, who also passed his boards that same day, is interviewing tomorrow for a job out of state and I am only a little joking when I say, we will follow (especially this particular state.) It was great to get to catch up with them both.
       I left from there to go see my mom really quickly (which is usually a hilarious concept but I lucked out and they were all outside so I managed to actually stay only the hour I intended.) We got a nice little visit and then I was on my way to pick up my Nana so we could go visit with my dad & stepmom. I think I (accidentally) spent more time talking with my stepmom than I did my dad but he was watching some hot rod shows and was really into it. My conversation with my stepmom (whom I adore) helped me put my worries into perspective a bit. She has been looking for work for so long now that she's finally given up searching anymore. She has trigeminal neuralgia which has an incredibly high rate of suicide to go along with it because it is so very painful and the slightest thing (like a breeze, chewing, talking, burping) can set off pain that quickly fills her entire head. On top of this, she has a tumor in the base of her brain and all she really knows about it is that it exists. She hasn't had health insurance in a long time and told me she's to the point where she's not sure she even wants to know any more about it. She doesn't want to find out that it's wrapped around a bunch of stuff and/or inoperable. She deals with all this on a daily basis, along with the fact that, while I call her my stepmom, her and my dad aren't actually married. My dad has his own little business and I found out that he hasn't paid taxes on it in a while. She's scared he's going to keep being irresponsible and let it build until the gov comes after him. She wants to marry him, he wants to marry her, but she can't take the risk that in punishing my dad, they end up taking her house & everything she owns as well. I totally understand that but it still breaks my heart, especially when I think of how short all our time is on this side of existence.
      From there, I went back to my Nana's to stay the night. It was just like being a little girl again, sleeping there in my Nana's big bed with her rubbing my back. When I woke up in the morning, it smelled like cleaning supplies and I could hear her in the kitchen mopping while singing gospel music. I didn't want to get out of bed. I didn't want to be a grown up again yet. I was so overwhelmed with my own feelings that I lay there for a few moments and silently shed some tears. After 10 minutes or so, I finally got up and started getting ready for my day. We shared some coffee and sentiments about visits never being long enough. I could never live back in my hometown, but it sure is hard to leave sometimes.
     I had to be at my board meeting at 9am and I didn't leave until a couple minutes after 6pm. It was a longggg day and then I had a 3 hour drive back home after it ended. I had to drive through a ton of rain but I made it. I have a ton of email type stuff to do when I get home from working this afternoon and then tomorrow I can take it easy, lay in my hammock a while, do a little event promotion for the Meet the Doulas event next Saturday, and chitchat with a client & other mamas at the monthly ICAN meeting in the evening. I will remind myself throughout this week how blessed we really are, even when it feels like everything that could go wrong has gone wrong.

(And thanks for the encouraging words after my last sad little pity party.)

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

It's creeping up on me. I feel it coming on. This time four years ago, I was happy. Things were no where near perfect but I remember being happy. It was also around this time that I stopped feeling nauseated 24/7. Our baby had likely already been dead weeks but I was clueless. Part of me wonders if I will ever be that happy again. A week from tomorrow will make four years. It's hard to imagine that it was that long ago. Each year, the pain gets a little better and a little worse.

As fate would have it, one of my best friend's birthdays falls on that exact day. Like the universe wanted to make sure I couldn't be completely miserable on that day but also that I'd have a good excuse to have a drink at the same time.

That sweet lost baby is on my mind so often these days. As I lay beside my sweet ninja.kiddo tonight, rubbing his back as he drifted off into sleep while we waited for his parents to get home, it came to me that our child would only be a few months younger than him and my mind quickly spiraled into how different our lives could be. I have longed to be a parent for so long now that I just can't picture it actually happening anymore. It's been four years without being even a little pregnant.

Just having an off day and those seem to come a little more frequently these days.

Sunday, September 9, 2012

We have some amazing friends.  The kind of friends who go out of their way to help us out over and over again. We would be so lost without them.

I have an amazing nanny boss. They're understanding, generous, and so kind. They gave me a slight raise this last week. The kid is pretty awesome when he's not throwing a fit and he says the most hilarious things sometimes.

I have an incredible husband. He is kind when I'm weak and has no problem telling me to "shut up" when I'm digging myself a hole. He does so much around the house, works many more hours than I do, and still makes it a point to find some time for us. We had a lovely night last night with some of our amazing friends, some intoxicating vices, and later in my hammock in the back yard.

The weather has been beautiful and I've actually been able to enjoy it some. Went for a nice, long walk yesterday instead of driving to my meeting. It was almost even cold this morning.

I have a great little waitress gig. I get to work the best shift out of the week, get away with pretty much anything, and know that I can work 6 hours and come home with at least $100. I will be going out tomorrow to search for a closer one to tide me over until I get my license crap dealt with.

My doula group is taking off. Our event is shaping up to be really successful. The goodie bags are going to kick ass and our door prizes are pretty awesome too. With any luck, this will be the first of many events to come! And I'm getting involved with a local up-and-coming breastfeeding organization locally promoting breastfeeding friendly practices at local businesses. Even without my nursing license, I am going to make change. I am going to keep moving forward towards my goals.

And boo on today being the day that everyone and their mom wanted to ask me why we didn't have kids yet! But I am so thankful for the strength I have today. That I can just shrug and say, "that's a good question" and leave it at that. I did get some really great advice about getting some sort of geode and how that would get me pregnant.....thanks, I guess. I wouldn't have handled it all so well in the past.

Now to make some delicious black bean burgers for my amazing husband with some sweet potato fries and the new Doctor Who episode!!!

Thursday, September 6, 2012

I'm stranded without a vehicle once more. This time, it just wouldn't start Tuesday when I went to go run some errands so it's sitting back at the dealership where hopefully it will get worked on today. I was able to borrow a car the last two days to get to work but that wasn't a possibility today since Matt had to be at a training until 5:30 tonight. It is giving me a chance to catch up on some responsibilities I let slip lately.

Labor Day was a big day for me. A very busy, successful day. First off, I ran in the Run for a Child 5k to benefit our local CASA. It wasn't my best time and it wasn't my worst time, but I did manage to complete my goal of not throwing up! It was my 5th 5k and it was the first time I haven't puked my guts up after running. I'm hoping that means I'm super slowly gaining some sort of tolerance. I went straight from there to my local Rally for Change. I coordinated the event and wanted to make sure I was there before anyone else. I only jumped into it about 5 weeks ago so I didn't have even half of the planning time that most locations had. I was incredibly happy with the 15 men, women, and kiddos that turned out to hold signs with me and attempt to raise awareness for better maternity care practices in our country. We made it on the front page of the local paper and in a few other local papers on the 2nd page with a picture too!

I was really excited about it and you can see the picture here too(although you have to be a subscriber to read the article). I was quoted in it and kept teasing Matt that now that my name has been in the paper twice in the past 4 months, I'm kind of a big deal. I'm already getting excited about how much bigger next year will be.

This week has given a slight rise to my mood lately, even with the further car head ache. Things are coming together in my doula life and I'm getting very excited about the Meet the Doulas event we have scheduled in a few weeks, as well as the amazing opportunity to teach a focus session about doulas and nurses at the state nursing students convention in early October. At least something feels like it's moving forward!


Sunday, September 2, 2012

Gah. So who knows when I will get my results. After many phone calls, I finally tracked down the reason I couldn't get my results online. Apparently, it was a mistake that I even got to take the test since they haven't fully processed my application. We were told to self-report on our state board application if we've ever had any sort of charge against us, even if it was a juvenile offense. While I now know I should have just checked the "no" box, I was bullied into putting the time that I got in a bathroom girl fight when I was 14 and threw a girl's backpack into the toilet, getting charged with criminal mischief. This doesn't show up on any background check, no matter how deep, but since I self-reported, now I have to provide documentation that may or may not still exist before they will give me my results. And of course, it can't be easy like a phone call or a fax. Instead, I have to drive 8 hours round trip in the hopes that they can track something down that shows that I have paid my dues (11 freaking years ago!!!)

It just feels like it's always something. One road block after another. Then this past week, after putting $30 in the gas tank and heading to pick up Matt from work, I started smelling gas. Quickly realized something wasn't right as my gas gauge started falling and barely made it to pick him up before it died in the middle of the street. He pushed it into a parking lot and we spent the next 3 days figuring out what we needed to do to get it fixed, which ended up with taking it to a dealership our friend works at and accepting his offer to put the bill on his dad's credit card. So now we just owe money to more people but at least we have a car. Being stranded while on call for my doula job was more stress than I needed on top of everything else. Thankfully, that sweet little baby waited until we had our car back to make her appearance. I was at the hospital with my clients from Friday evening until around 6am on Saturday morning and then spent all day yesterday exhausted with some random naps.

I have to wait tables today which I am majorly dreading but we're so broke, I should just be thankful for some extra money. I'm just pretty consistently in a bad mood lately. As you can imagine, it's not really doing wonders for me on the  relationship front. Not just with Matt but with my friends and family as well. I have become the master of avoiding phone calls and replying to texts days after they were sent. I am dealing with just a lot of negative thinking, building resentment for people and things in my life, and a very real sense of drowning. I've just kind of let bitchiness seep in everywhere and fills the cracks where sadness is trying to creep out. It's my big bad defense mechanism and it works pretty well at driving folks away. Then, in one quick move, something else will happen, more terrible luck of some sort, and I will be thrown into full on meltdown mode. It doesn't take much and if I had better insurance, I'd be seeking out some drugs but for now, I just close it up inside myself and wait for the current storm to pass in the hope that during the lull between mishaps I can recover the strength I feel I've lost somewhere along the way in the last few months. Sex is the last thing I want anything to do with right now as that involves a closeness and vulnerability that I feel like would lead to a break down, and lets face it, I put Matt through enough without having to sob during or after sex. Besides, I haven't taken a shower in like a week now so I'd just like everyone to keep their distance at this point. With that no where on my radar, baby making just hasn't been something I've thought about very often lately except to think about how pointless it seems right now and make myself feel shittier.

I'm just falling behind on all my responsibilities and still can't say no to taking on too much. I have been the only coordinator for the local rally that is part of the National Rally for Improving Birth being held nationwide tomorrow which means that it hasn't gotten as much promotion as I would have liked. I hope it's not a huge flop but don't really have the energy to do much about it. I'm also running another 5k tomorrow but it's been a week since I ran last so I'm sure it will be horrible. I don't even want to spend time with myself (which is what I feel like when I run) so I've been avoiding me too. Sorry for the big, uplifting post but that's just where I am right now. Who knows, maybe I'll wake up tomorrow and thing will just suck less but I'm not going to hold my breath.

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