Monday, July 16, 2012

I would like to start off with a random string of cuss words but I'll contain myself. I'm glad I chose to take a month off from the Clomid because I can't imagine how much more of a wreck I'd be right now. I stayed in a terrible mood for my entire birthday. Some little heathen at the splash park squirted me with some huge water gun right as we were leaving, soaking my dress and my purse, and I barely choked back tears. Matt was great though, cleaning the house, cooking me dinner, providing me with sweets to drown my sorrows in.

Our first RE visit went really well. He was incredibly friendly and seemed really optimistic that we would eventually be able to get pregnant. He wants to do two IUIs with just Clomid (and back down to 50mg from the 150mg my OB had me on the last few months) before we think about moving onto any injectible IUIs. He laid out all the prices for us and then did a u/s just to make sure I didn't have any cysts after that huge chunk of Clomid. I was just a few days away from ovulation and had one 17mm follicle on my left side. It was neat to see my body working even without the drugs. He also said that for where I was in my cycle, my uterine lining looked "superb". Now we just wait to have money.

Hubby has been working at his job for over a week but is barely getting part time hours. It's going to help but it's only about half of what he was making before. I have started having dreams of people coming to kick us out of our house full of vivid images of friends helping carry all our things down our so-steep-it's-unusable driveway. I woke up this morning to immediate thoughts of money, or the lack there-of which means it's not quite 10am and I've already been stressing about money for almost 3 hours. I've already laid out the probable amount of money I will make in the next two weeks and compared to the amount of money that needs to go out just for us to have things like a place to live and electricity, we're coming up mighty short. I picked up a shift this morning waiting tables, which meant moving up a doula client prenatal a few hours, and I'll only have a short break between that and the ICAN (international cesarean awareness network) meeting that I always try and attend each month. I made more money than usual yesterday waiting tables but only because I had about a third of the sales for the whole store that morning since 3 people called in. I will hopefully be able to get them to put me on the next schedule for more than just Sunday and I think I'll get an extra $40 from watching the ninjakiddo this weekend so his parents can have a date night. The two doula clients I'm meeting with this week still owe me money but I have a flexible pay schedule that allows them to make payments at their convenience as long as I'm paid in full by 38 weeks so it's not necessarily money I can count on. I'm sure we've tapped out all our family resources over the last two months as well. And I don't know if I mentioned it, but we're also down to only one vehicle. That means that in order for Matt to get home from work the past two days, he's had to pay for a cab. No bueno. 

So with the mounting bills and dwindling incomes, there will not likely be an IUI anywhere in our near future. The plan is to keep hoping. Hoping for a change in many situations. Hoping for miracles. Hoping that things just get better. I am not the nicest of people when I'm stressed and I know Matt gets the brunt of many of my anxious internal conversations. If I could manage to pay for my NCLEX, I have no doubt I could find a nursing job within weeks and our entire lives would start to change. Right now though, that seems like such an impossibility and it's hard to not feel stuck.


futurefords said...

Oh lady, I'm so sorry you are stressed out! Especially over money because there really is only so much you can do to bring in more. I really hoping that your hubby gets more hours soon and that things start moving in the right direction for you guys. I'll be thinking of you. Big e-hugs!

Julie Anita said...

It's so frustrating to read your IF story sometimes because it feels like something good should have happened to you by now :( And I don't mean that in a "you frustrate me" way, of course, it's that I'm frustrated FOR you. I know you will have a baby, but I hate that your circumstances are making it so difficult for you to even be able to TRY sometimes. I'm very lucky to live in MA where insurance covers IF treatment because it would have been painfully expensive for us, too (we had to do injectables and IUI). <3

DandelionBreeze said...

Miracles happen... hope yours is coming hun :) My heart goes out to you. Great to hear that your body is on track... and FXd for you :)) Hoping your good news is around the next corner. Love and thoughts xoxo

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