Saturday, July 21, 2012

Hey everyone! For those who are wondering what ICLW is, click on the little button in my side bar. It's usually my favorite time of the month. Since I'm constantly being left in the dust in the infertility world, it's my opportunity to re-introduce myself and find some new blogs from women who are in a similar situations. For those of you wanting to know about my story from the beginning, click here. Right now, we're just in the saving up money stage. I have some Clomid scripts but we'll likely just put that off until we can afford the IUI. We are simultaneously starting the process to adopt from foster care and are waiting for a bit more financial security before we re-do our budget form and set up the home visit prior to classes.

I have had an incredibly blessed and stressed week. Really stressing about money right now and wondering how ends are going to meet at all this month. I've been waiting tables every single day, sometimes multiple shifts per day and sometimes going to my nanny job afterwards. We lost two servers unexpectedly in the last week so it's really put a strain on things. I've been making some money though and that's all that really matters. Other than the extra money blessings, I was presented with an amazing gift from the amazing folks that I serve on the Arkansas Nursing Students Association with. They all pitched and paid for my NCLEX!!!! I was driving home from work when I found out and couldn't stop crying. It was just so unexpected and so kind. So now I actually get to take the test and (with any luck) add R.N behind my name. I decided to apply for some jobs on the evening and got a call the next day about setting up an interview for a night time labor and delivery job at one of the better hospitals in the area. It's also the hospital my OB practices at and I doula'd a birth there last month so I'm comfortable there. And I know they do lots of VBACs and low intervention births unlike the other hospital that offered me a job. I'm not exactly thrilled to be working on the other end of what I'm used to but I really feel like I could make a difference for those mama's that did want a natural birth. And I'm hoping that with a night position I would have a little bit more autonomy. This is going to sound really bizarre but I just want to get some practice doing cervical checks since the only cervix I've ever touched is my own.

I ran another 5k this morning. It was The Race to Remember and I ran in honor of one of my friend's daughters who lived for almost a month in the fall of 2010. All proceeds from this event went to the amazing organization called Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep which takes professional pictures for families experiencing an infant loss. It felt amazing to pour my energy into such a worthy cause and although I injured my IT band earlier in the week running and was told to rest/not run, I didn't listen and I'm satisfied with my time. I figured whatever pain I felt during the run, it was no comparison to the pain of losing a baby and it kept me going when I wanted to quit. My heart and mind were full of all the amazing women I've met who have endured their own losses and I felt like I was around friends.

I went from the race to the farmer's market and picked up some delicious heirloom tomatoes, some bell peppers, and some nectarines. Came home and made myself a lovely little egg scramble and decided to watch The Lorax (which was super cute.) Now I'm going to attempt to be productive and respond to what feels like a million emails while I ice my knee.

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

I do not have a single day off for the next 12 days. If I'm not with the ninjakiddo or waiting tables, I'm with a doula client or running a 5k, many days working multiple jobs in the same day. But I'm trying to just be thankful for a job at all. Our bank account went negative yesterday thanks to a combination of me totally spacing on depositing the cash I have and that our water bill is autopay. So now we have even less money than I thought we did. I'm just getting really bogged down. 

I pulled my IT band this weekend and forced myself to run this morning, thinking that 2 days of rest would be plenty since I didn't notice it much yesterday. It was an awful run. I just had no endurance at all and therefore my overall pace and distance were terrible. I'm registered to run a 5k this Saturday and it means a whole lot to me. It's called A Race to Remember and benefits the organization Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep. I'm running in honor of my friend's daughter, Kaydence Evelyn, who died far too soon after a few weeks in the hospital fighting for her little life. I had wanted to improve on my time from the 5k I ran last month but I don't see that happening. As long as I finish without dying I'll be somewhat satisfied. Running is about the only time when my brain isn't stressing about money so it gets turned to much more often when I'm freaking out. Besides, I've gained some of the weight back that I lost earlier in the year so it's time to get back on top of that.

I will keep telling myself things could be so much worse. I am thankful for my amazing husband, the opportunity to earn an income, my family, great friends, and my relatively good health. Now for work and hopefully getting our bank account out of the negative.

Monday, July 16, 2012

I would like to start off with a random string of cuss words but I'll contain myself. I'm glad I chose to take a month off from the Clomid because I can't imagine how much more of a wreck I'd be right now. I stayed in a terrible mood for my entire birthday. Some little heathen at the splash park squirted me with some huge water gun right as we were leaving, soaking my dress and my purse, and I barely choked back tears. Matt was great though, cleaning the house, cooking me dinner, providing me with sweets to drown my sorrows in.

Our first RE visit went really well. He was incredibly friendly and seemed really optimistic that we would eventually be able to get pregnant. He wants to do two IUIs with just Clomid (and back down to 50mg from the 150mg my OB had me on the last few months) before we think about moving onto any injectible IUIs. He laid out all the prices for us and then did a u/s just to make sure I didn't have any cysts after that huge chunk of Clomid. I was just a few days away from ovulation and had one 17mm follicle on my left side. It was neat to see my body working even without the drugs. He also said that for where I was in my cycle, my uterine lining looked "superb". Now we just wait to have money.

Hubby has been working at his job for over a week but is barely getting part time hours. It's going to help but it's only about half of what he was making before. I have started having dreams of people coming to kick us out of our house full of vivid images of friends helping carry all our things down our so-steep-it's-unusable driveway. I woke up this morning to immediate thoughts of money, or the lack there-of which means it's not quite 10am and I've already been stressing about money for almost 3 hours. I've already laid out the probable amount of money I will make in the next two weeks and compared to the amount of money that needs to go out just for us to have things like a place to live and electricity, we're coming up mighty short. I picked up a shift this morning waiting tables, which meant moving up a doula client prenatal a few hours, and I'll only have a short break between that and the ICAN (international cesarean awareness network) meeting that I always try and attend each month. I made more money than usual yesterday waiting tables but only because I had about a third of the sales for the whole store that morning since 3 people called in. I will hopefully be able to get them to put me on the next schedule for more than just Sunday and I think I'll get an extra $40 from watching the ninjakiddo this weekend so his parents can have a date night. The two doula clients I'm meeting with this week still owe me money but I have a flexible pay schedule that allows them to make payments at their convenience as long as I'm paid in full by 38 weeks so it's not necessarily money I can count on. I'm sure we've tapped out all our family resources over the last two months as well. And I don't know if I mentioned it, but we're also down to only one vehicle. That means that in order for Matt to get home from work the past two days, he's had to pay for a cab. No bueno. 

So with the mounting bills and dwindling incomes, there will not likely be an IUI anywhere in our near future. The plan is to keep hoping. Hoping for a change in many situations. Hoping for miracles. Hoping that things just get better. I am not the nicest of people when I'm stressed and I know Matt gets the brunt of many of my anxious internal conversations. If I could manage to pay for my NCLEX, I have no doubt I could find a nursing job within weeks and our entire lives would start to change. Right now though, that seems like such an impossibility and it's hard to not feel stuck.

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

It's my birthday and I will cry if I want to. Something about realizing that I'm coming up on 4 years  since I found out I was pregnant just has me down today. I was at a birth yesterday (which was really fast) for a couple who had been through 2 previous losses and it was great to get to be a part of their dreams being realized but made mine seem so much farther away.

I work later and I'm hoping the ninjakiddo won't be too hard on me. I'm just feeling vulnerable today and I know a lot of it has to do with this upcoming appointment with the RE.

Friday, July 6, 2012

Thankfully my husband got a new job. Tonight was his 3rd night and he seems to be enjoying it. He is working at a group home of sorts that accepts only teenage boys who have had some sort of drug addiction issue. It's just one of the things he's good at doing. It means we will see a paycheck next Friday and a full one on the Friday after that. Money woes are so close to being behind us. And then I can pay for the NCLEX and at least have the opportunity to get a nursing job and bring in some extra money. I am registered for four classes at NWACC this fall and I've applied to two different RN to BSN programs too, just gotta actually pass the NCLEX before they let me in. Either way, education continues.

I've somehow managed to get a sinus infection in the middle of a heat wave (temps around 100) and I'm kind of miserable. Sore throat, only breathing out of one nostril, it all sucks. I'm also getting more and more nervous about our appointment on Thursday. I know that by the time we make the almost 3 hour drive, I will have had enough time to really get myself worked up. I'm curious to see how high my BP will be by the time I get in there. Our appointment is at 2pm and I'm hoping to catch dinner with a friend afterwards (or at least at the restaurant she works at) so we will likely be home late that evening and I will try and update then. I still had a lot of pain during AF this month but I feel like it was lighter and less clumpy than it's been in a very, very long time.

Once Matt gets his first paycheck, we can redo our budget form and make the call to set up the necessary home visit before we get the go ahead for PRIDE classes. Everything is happening all at once.

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