Thursday, June 28, 2012

****edited to add that since writing this morning I've had some good cries and time to sort through my feelings a bit more and we made an appointment with the closest RE (3 hours away) for the 12th of July. It will only cost me a copay & we can at least get a different opinion.***** This feels like giving up. And maybe it is. Maybe it will just be a break. I'm not sure at this point.

I woke up to AF just as expected. After a vivid dream where I remember breastfeeding a probably 6 month old little girl, looking down at her sweet face as she popped off and smiled up at me. I hate that my dreams always seem so real and that I remember ever little detail most mornings when I wake up. Like her round little cheeks, her soft strawberry blonde hair, how sweet it was to see milk dribbling out the side of her mouth. I remember ever bit of it and it makes me feel like I lost something in the night.

I want to feel in control of my emotions again. I will not be taking Clomid again this month, partly because even adding an extra $40 to my list of things to pay for right now seems like too much, partly because I'm just sick of the way it makes me feel. I am so tired of this consuming my life from all angles. But yeah, I feel like I'm just quitting. It's been 4 years since I managed to get pregnant and I've just stopped feeling like it's going to happen at all. I've cried for the bio children we'll likely never have, for possibly losing out on a chance to ever experience breastfeeding (which seems way worse for some reason.)  I sit here now and I just cry, trying to get it all out before I'm forced to interact with people, though I'm sure it will happen throughout the day. I just feel like I'm barely hanging on today.

I work doubles today and tomorrow. I work Saturday and Sunday mornings. And then Sunday afternoon, one of my best friends and her toddler will be driving 3 hours to stay for two nights so that we can catch up. It's been months since we've seen each other and much longer since I've seen her kiddo or had the chance to really talk to each other for any length of time. I'm looking forward to it but I also worry that I'm just one big downer. And she doesn't have any experience with infertility at all so she tends to say things that aren't so helpful, just kind of minimizes the problem, which I'm hoping I can endure and get over. Hopefully I can just get my mind off of life for a few days and not talk too much about it (hah!)


DandelionBreeze said...

Thinking of you xoxo

Cristy said...

(((HUGS))) said...

I really hope that you manage to have biological children. Let's face it, anyone who has struggled to any degree for any amount of time has considered all the possibilities. It just so happens that I have looked into the possibility of breastfeeding an adopted infant. I'm including a link with some info about it.

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