Thursday, June 28, 2012

****edited to add that since writing this morning I've had some good cries and time to sort through my feelings a bit more and we made an appointment with the closest RE (3 hours away) for the 12th of July. It will only cost me a copay & we can at least get a different opinion.***** This feels like giving up. And maybe it is. Maybe it will just be a break. I'm not sure at this point.

I woke up to AF just as expected. After a vivid dream where I remember breastfeeding a probably 6 month old little girl, looking down at her sweet face as she popped off and smiled up at me. I hate that my dreams always seem so real and that I remember ever little detail most mornings when I wake up. Like her round little cheeks, her soft strawberry blonde hair, how sweet it was to see milk dribbling out the side of her mouth. I remember ever bit of it and it makes me feel like I lost something in the night.

I want to feel in control of my emotions again. I will not be taking Clomid again this month, partly because even adding an extra $40 to my list of things to pay for right now seems like too much, partly because I'm just sick of the way it makes me feel. I am so tired of this consuming my life from all angles. But yeah, I feel like I'm just quitting. It's been 4 years since I managed to get pregnant and I've just stopped feeling like it's going to happen at all. I've cried for the bio children we'll likely never have, for possibly losing out on a chance to ever experience breastfeeding (which seems way worse for some reason.)  I sit here now and I just cry, trying to get it all out before I'm forced to interact with people, though I'm sure it will happen throughout the day. I just feel like I'm barely hanging on today.

I work doubles today and tomorrow. I work Saturday and Sunday mornings. And then Sunday afternoon, one of my best friends and her toddler will be driving 3 hours to stay for two nights so that we can catch up. It's been months since we've seen each other and much longer since I've seen her kiddo or had the chance to really talk to each other for any length of time. I'm looking forward to it but I also worry that I'm just one big downer. And she doesn't have any experience with infertility at all so she tends to say things that aren't so helpful, just kind of minimizes the problem, which I'm hoping I can endure and get over. Hopefully I can just get my mind off of life for a few days and not talk too much about it (hah!)

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Still crazy busy working a couple part time jobs to get our bills paid. Matt hasn't heard back about any of his interviews even though one place already had a client lined up for him by the time he left and assured him he would start within the week. He's called them back but nada.

And I'm dumb and tested this morning. BFN of freaking course. I told Matt that next time I come home from the dollar store, just take my bag when I walk in the door and confiscate the tests. I just bum myself out. AF should show tomorrow or Friday. I just let myself get my hopes up since my boobs were on fire yesterday. I joked with Matt (via text) that I wanted to take my shirt off and stick my boobs in the fish tank at the library. They haven't been so much tender as just achey. I'm sure it's just the clomid.

Friday, June 22, 2012

I'm watching the ninjakiddo until his parents return on Sunday night but once he went to bed last night, Matt and I re-filled out all our foster-adopt paperwork!!!!!!!!!! All we have left is to get fingerprinted,  get the necessary papers notarized, and fill out the dreaded budget. We have to wait on the budget part until Matt gets some specifics nailed out with his job (and I decide whether to apply for a soul sucking nursing job) but I told him that for my birthday (a few short weeks from now) I want to be making a call to our placement worker to let her know we are ready for her to come out to our house, pick up our paperwork, and sign us up for the PRIDE classes! It's all so exciting and feels more and more real. I think I've said it before but I really feel like our kid is already out there, waiting on us to get our crap together. I wish there was a way to tell them, we're doing it, we're getting ready for you, and we can't wait to meet you!

Go down to the other post for ICLW tidbits!

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

ICLW starts tomorrow so I'll give you a quick intro about me and then go on to what up in life right now. To read more about ICLW, click on the "Join the Conversation" button on my side bar. I'm Rochelle, almost 25, he's Matt, just turned 26. You can read all the nitty gritty details of our relationship and infertility journey here. In April, I had a laproscopy that discovered stage 2 endometriosis. After almost 5 years of being stuck in the "unexplained" category, I spent most of that first month just thankful we had some sort of diagnosis but for some reason, now 2 months later, I am finally starting to process all of my feelings about this all feeling like my fault. I'm about 4dpo in our second cycle of Clomid at 150mg and, as of this moment, I am supposed to do one more round next month before my dr wants me to start on Lupron (which I don't want to do/don't think I will do.) Tomorrow, we get all our new paperwork to start the foster adopt process. We have most of it filled out already but since we moved to a different county, we have quite a few pages that we will just have to re-copy onto different letterhead. I'm thinking we will start putting most of our energy into that path and I'm not sure what that means for any sort of medical management in our future.

Right now, our big issue is that Matt unexpectedly lost his pretty great job. It was no fault of his and they have given him nothing but glowing recommendations everywhere he has applied. He is actually at an interview right now (so cross all appendages and pray to whomever you prefer!) I have been working 4 part time jobs to make up for us only having one income and right now, it's making me feel pretty pressured to hurry and take my NCLEX and get some soul sucking nursing job just for the money. Considering that I have doula clients through October though, that would be pretty difficult. I did finally get to attend my first VBAC and it was spectacular! I keep hoping some of that birth juju will rub off on me. I have a feeling I will be at another birth within the week too, on top of watching the ninjakiddo until Sunday night while his parents go to the west coast for a wedding. If it weren't for the money I've got coming from that, we would most definitely not be able to pay our rent this month. Since I am working my ass off just to get the most basic of bills paid, I've barely began to think about the hospital and clinic bills in my purse. I did take the time to add them up and then added in what we've spent in the rest of our infertility journey. Right now, I still owe $47 to my doctor's office itself (after paying $292 at my last visit) and then I owe $6148 to the hospital for surgery and pre-op. Thankfully my insurance covered about half of it or these numbers would be significantly higher. Since I've met my deductible for the year and everything from this point on is 70/30, we've talked about whether we should just go for it, rack up a ton more debt in a short amount of time just because it will be cheaper now than next year. I just hate how much debt we have. It's not like either of us has ever been debt free at any point in our relationship but infertility definitely hasn't helped. We have to start paying on both our student loans next month too (hah, yeah right.) It's daunting to think about the budget part of our adoption paperwork right now, even though I know that Matt will find a job soon and it won't be anywhere near as stressful for our bank account to maintain a positive balance. I'm definitely kind of kicking myself for moving into this bigger house now!


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Friday, June 1, 2012

I ended up starting yesterday evening after a day full of cramps and backache. Didn't end up going to the prenatal I had scheduled. Ate a ridiculous amount of crap food. Finally had to take a pain pill just to get some sleep last night since the pain so quickly escalated.

I woke up around 6am today from the pain and have been super nauseous. I even threw up uncontrollably for about 15 minutes, which at least brought some relief from the nausea. I thought after last month with barely a cramp at all, that the lap had really brought me some relief but this is worse than it has been in a very long time. It seriously makes me want to just stop taking the Clomid all together. I keep reading things that say that Femera is really a better option with endo and I know my dr would prescribe it for me if I asked. I really just wish we had the money right now to see an reproductive endocrinologist but I can't see that happening any time soon.

Matt hasn't worked all week due to circumstances outside of his control and there is still no guarantee he will have work next week either at this point. I am not sure how we are going to make it through the month. We had to borrow money from my in-laws just to pay rent today. And so once again, I'm wondering if I'm just being selfish by not pursuing a higher paying nursing job even if I would be miserable for a while. We both cried last night as I confessed how I just don't know how much more of this I can take and how desperately I just want to shift the focus right now.

It makes me long for the days when no one knew why we weren't making a baby because processing the emotions that have come along with feeling like this is my "fault" has been one of the hardest parts of this journey and I wonder if it will ever end.

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