Thursday, May 31, 2012

Just having a hard couple of days. I've been trying to channel it into running but I'm just too sore today after fitting in about 10 miles in the last 3 days. I'm expecting to start today. Did the stupid thing I never do anymore and actually took a pregnancy test (12dpo) which I wouldn't have even had in the house had it not come with my opks. It was negative, as they have almost always been. I have been doing a little too much thinking about how it's been almost 4 full years since I have been pregnant. I'm just overly emotional right now, feeling vulnerable. Praying I snap out of it before this client has her baby. I have a pretty terrible headache, some cramps, and a lower backache so I'm sure I've only got a few hours left to feel stupid about hoping. I'm just feeling discouraged, cynical, burnt out. It's been one of those months where I have let it consume the majority of the time, especially now that I am attempting to change my diet to help with the endometriosis. And on the diet subject, I've been doing pretty good, only had maybe one or two little slip ups with stuff I didn't realize had gluten in it until it was too late, but today, I am going to go to Rick's bakery and have a big, cream filled donut and a chai latte and not care one bit. And then I am going to watch Hercules with my friend (and sing when possible) in the hopes that I can drown my sorrow in some disney (and the donut) and in a time in my life when having babies was the farthest thing from my mind. (Because sitting here on my couch with the saddest playlist ever and infertility forums is not going to be the cure-all.)

I have a prenatal tonight so it better do the trick. Days like this make me wonder if I should abandon my passions and find a career that wouldn't be such an emotional challenge all the time.

1 comments:

MEL said...

Having a job being surrounded by women who are living out your dream must be very difficult. But I do think it was meant for you - you are very passionate about it and there are women out there who need someone like you to help them. You will have your dream come true...God has a plan and it will be revealed...and I really believe that your story is touching so many lives. We are meant to impact others through our life stories and believe me, you are doing that.

Thank you for sharing your story with so many who suffer through the same thing. But I really believe that you will have your baby some day! God bless you!

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