Just having a hard couple of days. I've been trying to channel it into running but I'm just too sore today after fitting in about 10 miles in the last 3 days. I'm expecting to start today. Did the stupid thing I never do anymore and actually took a pregnancy test (12dpo) which I wouldn't have even had in the house had it not come with my opks. It was negative, as they have almost always been. I have been doing a little too much thinking about how it's been almost 4 full years since I have been pregnant. I'm just overly emotional right now, feeling vulnerable. Praying I snap out of it before this client has her baby. I have a pretty terrible headache, some cramps, and a lower backache so I'm sure I've only got a few hours left to feel stupid about hoping. I'm just feeling discouraged, cynical, burnt out. It's been one of those months where I have let it consume the majority of the time, especially now that I am attempting to change my diet to help with the endometriosis. And on the diet subject, I've been doing pretty good, only had maybe one or two little slip ups with stuff I didn't realize had gluten in it until it was too late, but today, I am going to go to Rick's bakery and have a big, cream filled donut and a chai latte and not care one bit. And then I am going to watch Hercules with my friend (and sing when possible) in the hopes that I can drown my sorrow in some disney (and the donut) and in a time in my life when having babies was the farthest thing from my mind. (Because sitting here on my couch with the saddest playlist ever and infertility forums is not going to be the cure-all.)
I have a prenatal tonight so it better do the trick. Days like this make me wonder if I should abandon my passions and find a career that wouldn't be such an emotional challenge all the time.