Thursday, May 31, 2012

Just having a hard couple of days. I've been trying to channel it into running but I'm just too sore today after fitting in about 10 miles in the last 3 days. I'm expecting to start today. Did the stupid thing I never do anymore and actually took a pregnancy test (12dpo) which I wouldn't have even had in the house had it not come with my opks. It was negative, as they have almost always been. I have been doing a little too much thinking about how it's been almost 4 full years since I have been pregnant. I'm just overly emotional right now, feeling vulnerable. Praying I snap out of it before this client has her baby. I have a pretty terrible headache, some cramps, and a lower backache so I'm sure I've only got a few hours left to feel stupid about hoping. I'm just feeling discouraged, cynical, burnt out. It's been one of those months where I have let it consume the majority of the time, especially now that I am attempting to change my diet to help with the endometriosis. And on the diet subject, I've been doing pretty good, only had maybe one or two little slip ups with stuff I didn't realize had gluten in it until it was too late, but today, I am going to go to Rick's bakery and have a big, cream filled donut and a chai latte and not care one bit. And then I am going to watch Hercules with my friend (and sing when possible) in the hopes that I can drown my sorrow in some disney (and the donut) and in a time in my life when having babies was the farthest thing from my mind. (Because sitting here on my couch with the saddest playlist ever and infertility forums is not going to be the cure-all.)

I have a prenatal tonight so it better do the trick. Days like this make me wonder if I should abandon my passions and find a career that wouldn't be such an emotional challenge all the time.

Monday, May 28, 2012

Being on call isn't all that fun. We had to turn down a trip to swim and have fun at a creek in Missouri since the reception is less than ideal and I just wasn't comfortable being another 45 minutes away. I know I will get used to it, but right now it still feels so fresh since it's been a few months. Just remembering the small stuff, like having all my doula stuff in my car or at least within a quick reach at home, having gas in my car, extra clothes, never letting my phone die. But I really do love being a doula and I have a really good feeling that this next birth will be pretty amazing for both me and the mom. Her doctor is my doctor so I don't have to worry about establishing a good report and he has such a good reputation for VBACs.

It does feel kind of bizarre to be looking forward to someone else's birth while I'm sitting here at 9dpo, waiting, waiting, waiting. I am also dealing with my first yeast infection EVER. I know I jinxed myself when at my last dr. appt, I commented on how I have never had one and hadn't had a UTI since high school. Don't ever google yeast infection and ttc because it may get your hopes up since it seems like a good number of women tend to get them right before they get to see two lines. I doubt that is the case with me. I don't have reason to doubt, I just can't open myself up to it being a possibility. My cat did have 4 kittens and chose to do so in my bedroom though. Can I just take that as a sign that more birth will happen in this house soon? Or maybe we're just terrible pet owners who forgot to get her spayed.

Matt and I have enjoyed some time to ourselves lately with movie marathons and reading aloud to each other before bed. We haven't made it very far into the book we are reading but that quiet time at the end of each day is something I have started to look forward to.

I promise to stop falling off the face of the blogosphere now that summer is here!

Friday, May 25, 2012

Has a new website!!! Come on over and check it out. I'd love some suggestions on how to improve it!

Wednesday, May 23, 2012


Thanks to the few ladies who have checked on me in my blogging absence! It has just been a bit crazy and I'm not even sure where to begin.

When I left off, I had just had my follow up appointment and was facing finals week. I made it through finals (and just barely in one class), got my first ever "C", and managed to hold myself together at pinning for the most part. My Nana had recently had a knee replacement and had only been out of rehab for a few weeks so it was touch and go on whether she would be able to make it up the
stairs and across the stage. Luckily, my instructors were very accommodating & she sat up on the stage, off to the side so that she would already be on the stage when I walked up there. I could tell it was hurting her but I am so thankful that she pushed through it. I also received a service award for my participation as vice president in our local student nurses association. I don't think I enjoyed it as much as I could have because I was anxious to leave during the entire thing just so that I could get home and finish getting ready for the vow ceremony/reception/5 year anniversary shindig but it was a great experience! I will miss all the wonderful people who have seen me more these past 2 years than most of my family has.

About that shindig, it turned out perfectly! It was well worth the wait and only happened thanks to some incredibly hard work done by some of my amazing friends and their family. Lisa Mac and her sister Annalee were both so amazing and put so much energy (and money) into making sure that this was a big success. I spent all day Thursday and most of Friday cooking and getting some last minute decoration prep done. We had worried about rain but somehow, and I still don't know how!, we managed to get lucky with some beautiful weather. For those who don't know, we got married 5 years ago in a drive-thru drug store in Lonoke, AR and so we never even said vows (see the picture where Matt is being handed something through a window!) We figured we've been through more than our fair share these past 5 years and with graduation falling so close to our anniversary, it seemed like the perfect time to share our love with our family and closest friends. We had a wonderful turnout, even with some last minute cancellations and the uncertain weather. Matt wrote a wonderful little intro for us and though I did write vows ahead of time, I lost them in all the commotion so I had to wing it (which was not fun!). I know I made some comments about him putting up with me "even when I have more hormones pumping through me than most jr. high cheer leading squads" haha but don't really remember too much of what else I said because I ended up getting so nervous!  His vows were so incredible, so pure, so beautiful. I was so happy to get (almost) all of the people in our lives who are the most important to us, all in one space. It was the first time my parents met both of his parents! It was the first time me and all 3 of my brothers had been in the same place since last May when the youngest one graduated from high school. Even my ninja-preschooler! and his family came. It was a pretty big deal. I couldn't have asked for a more spectacular day!

Not only did she help with the planning and execution of the party, but Lisa also took a ton of amazing pictures for us. You can see more of her incredible work here. We most certainly could not have afforded to have someone anywhere near her talent level taking pictures for us on such a special day, but lucky for us, we have known each other for over 15 years! She was actually my fourth grade teacher and I know I've talked about her here before, but seriously our relationship is one that I treasure and can't imagine my life without. We've only seen a portion of them so far, but I wanted to share a couple of my favorites with you.

Almost all of our favorite people in the whole world!
Right after my portion of vows
And you can tell from my expression in these two just how I felt as he read his beautiful vows

Me, my three brothers, and Lisa Mac



And sealed with a kiss, of course.















Matt was lucky enough to be able to get off work this past Thursday, which was our actual anniversary, and we went for an 8 mile canoe trip which wiped me out! Within 2 minutes of getting in, we had already flipped it and I have the souvenir bruise to prove it. It was a lot of fun, once Matt got the hang of things (since this was his first time in a canoe) and we figured out how to work as a team. We stopped a couple times, due to the low water level, to get a snack, or because we panicked about some snakes and ended up beached between two! It was a great day together and I will say that the highlight was, on one stretch of the river, Matt and I both sang "Colors of the Wind"! I sang probably too loud and really got into it, forgetting to keep paddling at all. It was so much fun and I can't wait to go back later this summer after my huge run of births! 
Here is the silly picture we took during our picnic lunch break. You can tell we were having fun!

And last, but not least, especially in this strange life we lead right now, about my dysfunctional lady-bits. The huge dose of Clomid made me feel like I was walking around with baseball tucked inside my pelvic cavity. We have been like newlyweds lately so all our bases are definitely covered. I am likely 4dpo right now so about 10 days until the witch is expected, possibly sooner. After this long, it's hard to find optimism but there is some that seeps through in fleeting moments of hope. I start being on call in two days and won't be off until after my last July client gives birth. It's exciting but at the same time nerve-wracking, wondering if a birth will happen on a day when I'm so hormonal that I can barely hold myself together. I always manage to surprise myself and put all my emotions on the backburner, so hopefully I will have continued success with repressing my feelings. And even better, maybe some birth-y juices will be all that my body needs to get the hint! 

Friday, May 4, 2012

When did I hit 60 followers?! That is pretty crazy to me since when I started this blog, it was never with the intention of letting anyone else even know it existed. Once I came out of the infertile closet, it was like the flood gates were open and now that practically every one I see on a regular basis knows about our struggle to make babies, I can't imagine how I ever managed to cope  in secret. I do notice that I rely less on the internet community and more on people in my day to day life to complain to. They may wish it were still the other way...

I had my follow-up appointment this last Wednesday and didn't realize how nervous I was about it until I got there and my blood pressure sky rocketed to 149/93 or something close to that. I always run under 120/80 so my doctor knew something was up. He told me that he only found a couple little spots of endo on my right ovary but that on my left side, it was covering my ovary and constricting it. He said there were also adhesions on the back side of that ovary semi-securing it to the back of my pelvic wall. He lasered off everything that he could but explained that he couldn't get 100% of it. He was pushing for me to try all natural for 3 months to get pregnant before starting the Lupron but later agreed that 150mg of Clomid would help boost those chances. It also boosts the chances that I will be accelerating the growth of the endo over the next 3 months too, making it all the more important to agree to the Lupron when the time comes. The information booklet he gave me for the Lupron is pretty intimidating with lovely side effects listed like thinning of the bones that may not be completely reversible, worsening of depression (with possible forgetfulness), and all the other lovely things that come along with menopause like decreased libido, hot flashes, vaginal dryness, etc... You can see why I'm hoping it doesn't get to that point. And while we are talking about my dysfunctional lady parts, I totally thought I was starting like 4 days earlier than expected but now I'm not so sure. I've had a lot of spotting this month already thanks to the surgery and I'm wondering if this isn't just some residual side effects from that because while I would have considered yesterday to be a "light" day in a normal cycle, it was all really old blood and is barely there today. I'm going to cash in my Clomid prescription anyway so at least I will have it on hand when my body decides to make up it's mind.

Also, only two finals stand between me and being done with nursing school (this step anyway.) I have one final on Monday and the last one on Wednesday. Thursday and Friday are jam packed full with getting every single little detail for our re-commitment ceremony together. And then Saturday, the 12th, I will have nursing pinning at 2pm and then high tail it back to my house for more prepping. Hopefully the rain will stay far, far away because we are holding our ceremony and reception outside at a beautiful pavilion just down the road from my house. It is going to be quite the fiesta with a stocked taco bar, tres leches cake, and tons of love. Since we never had a wedding and got our marriage license handed to us through the car window, this is kind of a big deal. I seriously can not wait to tell Matt how much I love him, appreciate him, and reflect on all we've been through so far in front of all our family and friends. I'm pretty sure I am a crazy person for trying to do it all in one day but since many of our friends and family will be driving about 3-4 hours to get here, we needed to make sure they could make it to everything. It's all I think about when I lay down at night and probably part of the reason I am getting such terrible sleep. Our "fo' real" anniversary is on the 17th and since Matt already asked off work, we are thinking about going for a nice canoe ride. I start a few solid months of being on call after that so whatever we decide, I just hope it's a nice little escape for the both of us.

Once I can get school out of the way, I can focus on my summer chock full of births, including my first (hopefully) VBAC doula gig. I am supposed to schedule a time to take the NCLEX but I'm almost positive that no matter when I take it, some one will decide to go into labor when I'm about half way done. I really love my  job and can't wait to get some time to put into my website, some brochures, and to prep for the possibility of putting in IVs at some local homebirths when moms test GBS positive. I have a prenatal with an established client today and then three new client consults in the next 2 weeks. It's all pretty exciting.

And now the question is, how in the world do I fill the next hour and a half until I go running with a nursing school classmate? And why the heck am I up this early anyway!? UGH!

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