Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Matt and I have both been on an emotional ledge of sorts lately. Feeling incompetent, fragile, and just generally down in the dumps. I've not kept my history with mental illness much of a secret but I definitely don't find myself being as open about it as I am about our miscarriage. Now that I am in my psych nursing class, it is always on the forefront of my mind. I am worried about how clinicals will affect me and doubt my ability to control personal transference.  They would have been heavy days anyway but it will be my first time back in a facility of the sort since being discharged from one in jr. high. I spent months there, made friends, got attached, and I remember how badly I wanted to say instead of go home. I am fearful of the rush of memories and the emotions so strongly attached to them. (This is definitely a factor in thinking about not taking Clo.mid again next month.)

I have been so inside myself, focusing so hard on holding myself together that I have really failed to notice Matt's own struggle. I will be honest and tell you that I went 10 days without showering. I just kept my hair braided in a bun and didn't really care. There are many days that I probably wouldn't get out of bed if it weren't for school and work responsibilities and all the pressure I feel from other people to get through this program. I wonder how much of it is just from the extra Clo.mid hormone production and how much of it is just shitty genetic predisposition towards mental illness. I am finally to a point in my life where I'm willing to accept it may always be a struggle for me. If it weren't for being stuck in the horrible cycle of infertility, I would be taking medication right now. There are just so few things I would feel comfortable taking while pregnant (and even fewer meds that I would be able to just stop cold-turkey if I ever do get pregnant again.) So many of the drugs that used to be considered safe during pregnancy are being found to cause birth defects and I would be much better off to deal with a few more months or even years of depression than the torture I would put myself through wondering if I had caused some congenital defect in my child. I use it as an excuse most of the times, especially on days like today when I could lay in bed all day and just cry.

I usually keep these kind of things saved as drafts and I don't really know why I'm posting, hoping that some how just getting it out there will magically make me feel better, but I'd like to eventually be able to look back on this and remind myself why I should keep taking whatever meds I may get on in the future. I know reading manic draft posts helps me keep myself in check from time to time.

As for the debate on taking Clo.mid again next month, there are a few things making me want to skip it. First off, I have had a crazy amount of cramping this month. Last night, I was cramping so bad that I thought I was going to cry (and just around my right ovary)...makes me immediately think cyst, which would mean a cycle off to recover. And then it would be time for my lap which would mean more time off (which makes me want to throw caution to the wind and use what I feel is my last chance for a while.) Then I think about how intense clinicals will be, how unstable I feel at the moment, and how much more unstable I feel while taking Clo.mid and switch back to taking time off. (Can you see my instability and lack of resolve?) I am so ready to put adoption back on the fast track and put all the fertility drugs, half naked doctor visits, pre-seed, and opk's in the rear view. I know if they find any sort of endometriosis when they do the lap that it will mean hormones to mimic menopause or at least birth control (which seems so foreign to me) and I guess part of me just wants to be prepared for it, to have another plan back in the works so that my soul isn't so crushed by the news. We are planning on moving in the beginning of March (during the same time I'm matron of honor in a wedding) and I think once we get settled into a new place, we are really going to move forward with adoption. I know we've said it before but it just feels more real. Maybe tomorrow I will feel less discouraged, maybe I will dream of children with my hair and his eyes and suddenly become infused with hope again....but if not, I know we will be ok. I know we will be parents and some day, someone will call me mommy.

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