Thursday, February 23, 2012

Welcome new folks! And for anyone else who doesn't know what ICLW is, check out the button on the side of my blog and join in the fun. I have been studying like crazy for this cardiac test in the morning and finally feeling like I actually stand a chance. I have way too many things going on right now and it is one of those weeks where I can actually be a little thankful that I have not yet added parent to my list of roles. I am in my last semester of nursing school, serve as our local student nurses association vice president, serve as the Arkansas nursing students association district 2 director, volunteer as a court appointed special advocate for children in foster care, work as a nanny part-time, wait tables once a week, deal with being randomly on call with my doula business and fitting in prenatals with clients, run a couple times a week preparing for my first 5k in the end of March, all while trying to maintain my sanity with time for my husband and other friends. Add in the Clo.mid and baby making schedule plus the fact that we are preparing to move about 30 miles away in 2 weeks and I am feeling quite overwhelmed. The problem is when I look at that list, there isn't one single thing I feel like I could give up. Ohhh, and don't forget planning my graduation/vow renewal party in May and the wedding I'm maid of honor in next weekend.

For those who care about my reproductive parts, here's a quick run down (or you can go here):
Got married to an amazing guy named Matt in May 2007 and we immediately started trying for a baby. Finally got pregnant in the summer of 2008 but miscarried that little one at 12 weeks in September 2008. By November my marriage was in shambles, Matt was in Prague and I was struggling to maintain any semblance of sanity from my manic choices. We were finally living together again by June 2009 and started really trying again in December 2009. Another year went by, I finally got into nursing school and got myself some super crappy health insurance. Finally saw an OB in March 2011, we got all the basic tests and there was no reason found as to why we were still childless so I got a script for 3 months of Clo.mid at 50mg and told to return pregnant. When that didn't happen, we took a few months off and I lost 20lbs. Got another script for Clo.mid in December, this time at 100mg and I am currently in my last cycle of that (ovulating like right now and feeling like my ovaries are attempting to escape my body and the hell I've been putting them through.) If this doesn't work, I call and schedule a laproscopy which I'm hoping falls during my spring break so that I don't miss any of my hectic life.

I love the place we are moving to. It will cut Matt's work commute down to almost nothing, but adds to mine by about 30 minutes. It has 3 bedrooms, a fenced in yard, and a dishwasher (more things too obviously) which was all I really cared about at this point. Our current landlords are letting us stay here until the current owner of the new house we're moving to can get her stuff into a storage unit. It is all working out really nicely. And it's closer to all my current doula clients so those 3am calls won't mean quite as long of a drive. I promise to post pictures when we get moved in. I have a vow renewal post in the works too, complete with pictures of the dress I ordered!

Monday, February 13, 2012

I woke up last Thursday with just a little bit of hoarseness which then turned into a horrible sounding cough on Friday. I felt pretty awful so I got us some to-go chinese food while I was out picking up my prescription for Clo.mid. I had called in my refill earlier in the day and even got the text message to tell me it was ready, but when I got there, the tech claimed they not only didn't have my prescription, they had no record of me ever getting prescriptions filled there. I made him check like 4 or 5 times and then finally left, almost in tears, half screaming due to hoarseness "No, whatever, it's fine. We'll just take a month off. No big deal for you." I sat in my car and cried for a while before I went home to cry to Matt. By Saturday morning, I was getting so short of breath from coughing that it made me kind of panicky and I took myself to the ER. I got a breathing treatment and prescription for an inhaler and some horrible tasting cough syrup with codeine. When I went to pick up my ER prescriptions, the lady asked if I would like to pick up the other prescription I had ready. I could have kissed her. I managed not to cry when I told her about the kick to the ovaries by the guy the night before and was thankful to just get this last round of Clomid out of the way.

I had to nanny it up that night (Saturday) and my sweet husband was kind enough to not only drive me to work (since I was drunk on cough syrup), but he also pretty much took over for the most part. We took the kid to a place full of inflatables and then out to dinner. By the time we got home, it was time for pj's and Matt read him a bunch of books. As you can see, they were pretty freaking cute. And since spending time with Matt is always a special occasion for him, he wanted to hold Matt's hand to cross the parking lot, sit by Matt at dinner, have Matt read to him, etc... At one point when he was reading to him, the kiddo leaned into Matt's head and he teared up. We have to find a way to get him a kiddo!

I got lucky and didn't have to try and wait tables Sunday so I barely moved from the couch. I went from the couch to the bathroom and that is it. My sweet husband took good care of me though and my amazing friend Lisa left chicken curry soup, her MIL's sourdough bread, and some cupcakes on my front steps (which I finally ate some of today and WOW! delicious!) I was worried that I was going to have to trudge through 6 hours in the cath lab this morning but thanks to our first snow of the winter, I get another day to try and recover. I still have a terrible cough, low-grade fever, gross sputum, and very sore abs/ribs, but I can tell I'm on the upswing. Now I really have to find a way to concentrate and finish these psych flash cards for my test Thursday!

Oh...and I almost forgot! I finally bought my dress for our vow renewal! It made it so much more real and I can't wait to share our love in front of all our family and friends!

Thursday, February 9, 2012

I wanted to use my computer during class today which meant that I needed to switch to a seat by the wall instead of my usual one in the back. My computer battery has taken a turn for the worst and so my computer only works when plugged in. This meant that I sat next to a girl I had never spoken to before. She is in the class for the second time so she hasn't been in our class the whole program. Like I've said, I really had to come out of the infertile closet over the past year (mostly so that people didn't think I was losing my mind...or at least that clo.mid induced madness), so it seems there are fewer and fewer people who don't at least know we are trying to make a baby. Early on in the lecture, while the teacher was rambling at auctioneer speed about premature ventricular contractions and pacemakers, she leaned over and said, "Did I hear that you are trying to get pregnant?" Having just started my period about an hour earlier, I was really just not in the mood to talk about it so I said, "Yeah, only for like four and a half years now," and went back to what I was doing (on pinterest.) For some reason, this prompted her to pull out an ultrasound picture from her purse that I guess she had done yesterday, (she was maybe 5 or 6 weeks along), and tell me all about how unexpected it was, (it's supposed to be a secret!), how her husband has had a vasectomy, how she is just too fertile and doesn't even have to have sex to get pregnant, full of smiles the whole time. I went to a place in my head to throw myself in front of a bus and just let her talk enough for the both of us. She then started talking about how she has considered being a surrogate before, I guess expecting that to raise my infertile interest, but I just kept nodding and smiling as genuine as I could.

Today is not a day I am thankful to be out. And I'm not sure I'll be using my computer again for some time. (It did fuel a killer 3.3 mile run after class though.)

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Matt and I have both been on an emotional ledge of sorts lately. Feeling incompetent, fragile, and just generally down in the dumps. I've not kept my history with mental illness much of a secret but I definitely don't find myself being as open about it as I am about our miscarriage. Now that I am in my psych nursing class, it is always on the forefront of my mind. I am worried about how clinicals will affect me and doubt my ability to control personal transference.  They would have been heavy days anyway but it will be my first time back in a facility of the sort since being discharged from one in jr. high. I spent months there, made friends, got attached, and I remember how badly I wanted to say instead of go home. I am fearful of the rush of memories and the emotions so strongly attached to them. (This is definitely a factor in thinking about not taking Clo.mid again next month.)

I have been so inside myself, focusing so hard on holding myself together that I have really failed to notice Matt's own struggle. I will be honest and tell you that I went 10 days without showering. I just kept my hair braided in a bun and didn't really care. There are many days that I probably wouldn't get out of bed if it weren't for school and work responsibilities and all the pressure I feel from other people to get through this program. I wonder how much of it is just from the extra Clo.mid hormone production and how much of it is just shitty genetic predisposition towards mental illness. I am finally to a point in my life where I'm willing to accept it may always be a struggle for me. If it weren't for being stuck in the horrible cycle of infertility, I would be taking medication right now. There are just so few things I would feel comfortable taking while pregnant (and even fewer meds that I would be able to just stop cold-turkey if I ever do get pregnant again.) So many of the drugs that used to be considered safe during pregnancy are being found to cause birth defects and I would be much better off to deal with a few more months or even years of depression than the torture I would put myself through wondering if I had caused some congenital defect in my child. I use it as an excuse most of the times, especially on days like today when I could lay in bed all day and just cry.

I usually keep these kind of things saved as drafts and I don't really know why I'm posting, hoping that some how just getting it out there will magically make me feel better, but I'd like to eventually be able to look back on this and remind myself why I should keep taking whatever meds I may get on in the future. I know reading manic draft posts helps me keep myself in check from time to time.

As for the debate on taking Clo.mid again next month, there are a few things making me want to skip it. First off, I have had a crazy amount of cramping this month. Last night, I was cramping so bad that I thought I was going to cry (and just around my right ovary)...makes me immediately think cyst, which would mean a cycle off to recover. And then it would be time for my lap which would mean more time off (which makes me want to throw caution to the wind and use what I feel is my last chance for a while.) Then I think about how intense clinicals will be, how unstable I feel at the moment, and how much more unstable I feel while taking Clo.mid and switch back to taking time off. (Can you see my instability and lack of resolve?) I am so ready to put adoption back on the fast track and put all the fertility drugs, half naked doctor visits, pre-seed, and opk's in the rear view. I know if they find any sort of endometriosis when they do the lap that it will mean hormones to mimic menopause or at least birth control (which seems so foreign to me) and I guess part of me just wants to be prepared for it, to have another plan back in the works so that my soul isn't so crushed by the news. We are planning on moving in the beginning of March (during the same time I'm matron of honor in a wedding) and I think once we get settled into a new place, we are really going to move forward with adoption. I know we've said it before but it just feels more real. Maybe tomorrow I will feel less discouraged, maybe I will dream of children with my hair and his eyes and suddenly become infused with hope again....but if not, I know we will be ok. I know we will be parents and some day, someone will call me mommy.

Sunday, February 5, 2012

This month is yoga month. So far, I've just been doing a few poses when I wake up and then a few before bed. I feel like I don't wake up with the aches that I used to which may just be from the stretching but I have a new addiction for sure. I am planning on trying a hot yoga class on Tuesday morning but since it is just luck that I am out of school that morning, it doesn't look like it will be a regular thing. I am still really looking forward to it. After two weeks of not running, first because of a knee injury and then because of all the gallbladder horror I experienced last week, I will finally be running in the morning. It means I will be sore on Tuesday which makes hot yoga all the more appealing.

I have been just as busy as always with school and work but now have 3 doula clients to add to the mix. It is still a little over a month until I really go on call for the first one but just adding the prenatals into my schedule has been interesting. I am loving how quickly it is all growing though. I now have my own logo and facebook page and hopefully, at some point in the next few months, a real website will replace my doula blog (or at least allow me to just blog about issues and birth stories on the doula blog.) I also may have the opportunity to work with some of the midwives in the area after I graduate by putting in IVs when they have GBS+ moms. I am super excited about actually getting to do things I'm passionate about!

It does make the infertility crap a little bit heavier. I have come out of the infertile closet so much this past year that there are few people in my life that don't know at this point. It has really helped a lot because I no longer feel like I have to bear it all on my own. I have also had the opportunity to really empathize with those in my life who have endured or were in the process of enduring a loss. Of course I'd given anything in the world to have no idea what they were going through, but at least I've been given the opportunity to turn that pain into support, not just let it be some horrible thing that makes me bitter. I'm 9dpo right now and I have had cramping pretty much every single day this whole cycle. I will likely start on Thursday but I have already made plans to see a band I enjoy as a consolation prize of sorts. I am pretty pissed that the Clo.mid has made it impossible to lose any freaking weight. Since starting it in December, I have no gained, nor lost a single pound. I guess that is not as horrible as if it had made me gain weight, but on the amount of calories I take in and workouts I do, I should be losing something. It almost makes me want to take a month off just to get down a little bit more but mostly, I just want to get all the Clo.mid out of the way so we can move forward to something, anything, to keep from going back into stasis. Next month, I'm hoping to add some acupuncture to the mix (even if I get scoffed at by Matt!)

Also, we are hoping to move into a new (and hopefully bigger) home in March too!

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