Saturday, December 29, 2012

Well, at least I can stay thankful that my cycles are regular, even after this last miscarriage. It's been quite a bit more painful than I was anticipating but I had some left over drugs to make it a little more tolerable. Today is day one and tomorrow, I'll start the Clo.mid again and hope it works better than last time. I'll take it days 2-8 and then start opks on day 11. Once it looks almost positive, then we'll add in a trigger shot (which I have never, ever done before) and cross all our fingers. I'm feeling hopeful about this month. Not so excited about giving myself a shot in the ass, but I doubt I'll have the heuvos to have Matt do it for me.

Still struggling to overcome this depression and get anything done, but feeling like it may be on the upswing. I know I'm a weirdo, but I get kind of a high from the Clo.mid. I mean, I'm bitchy as can be but at least I'm not sad. I'm going to attempt to start running again. I quit running in early October when I threw my back out and just haven't been able to get back into the swing of things. I'm hoping it will play a role in turning this god awful mood of mine around.

I also got to go to a pretty incredible birth yesterday too (of a client who also dealt with infertility) which has definitely played a role in me feeling a little better, more optimistic. It was a nice reminder why we're putting ourselves through this. There was validation in watching years of waiting melt away as they saw their son for the very first time. I have a pretty amazing job!

Thursday, December 27, 2012

Hey, just wanted to share some of the pictures we got from my graduation and our vow renewal in May. We were given a beautiful album full of them (and even a CD with the images with this super amazing photographer almost never does!) I love them so much and wanted to share them off on this last day of ICLW. Hope you enjoy!

Me & a bestie

My goofy love

Right after Nana pinned me

My mom looking very proud

Vow Renewal/ Party setup

The neighborhood scraggly fox stopped by

Our closest family and friends

Our amazing love

Matt's family

My family (minus my mom previously pictured)

Me & my Nana again

Proof that I get even more ridiculous around babies

Showing those who came before us

Me & my 3 younger brothers

I hand embroidered this little firefly on my dress 

My favorite picture of me ever 
I wish I didn't look so terrified!! 

I love them all so much and couldn't choose just a few to share. There are so many more amazing ones I'm keeping to myself too!

Saturday, December 22, 2012

Welcome new faces! You're not coming in at the most exciting time but I'm still here. A quick rundown of the story is that we've been married over 5 years, one miscarriage at 12 weeks in the fall of 2008, laproscopy in April to remove stage 2 endometriosis, another miscarriage last month at 5 weeks, and now I'm waiting on the lovely red witch. I'm choosing to be optimistic that I got pregnant at all and it gave me some kind of validation that I made the right choice in having the surgery, despite having to pay entirely out of pocket.

After being faked out by my body a couple times this month, I think I finally O'd 6 days ago. I also think I had cd1 marked on the wrong day. First, I put it as my first day of bleeding when I first starting getting positive hpts but I think really it's more like that second bit of bleeding was more period like in nature. And it makes my O date much more likely. I'm not really even sure I O'd honestly. I didn't use opks this month, just went off of cervical fluid and position, along with some ovulation like pain. I'd just like to go ahead and get AF so I can start the Clo.mid again, though I guess I wouldn't be all that upset if I randomly got pregnant two months in a row after 4 years of nothing. Maybe I'll try Fem.era sometime next year, or better yet, actually be able to afford an IUI. I just got the bill in for the 3 betas I had done last month and it's about $200 since the lab my dr's office uses is "out of network" (even though the doctor's office itself is in network.) Ugh. Stupid insurance crap.

My favorite, favorite, favorite grandmother (Nana)  is staying the weekend with us and it's been great getting to spend some time with her. She lives about 3 and a half hours away so we don't get to see much of each other and she told me she lives a very lonely life. I confessed to her about the miscarraige last month and cried with my head in her lap. It was so bittersweet. She had a knee replacement shortly before my nursing school graduation and endured quite a bit of pain just to be able to pin me in our ceremony. And now her other knee has gone out and she's having a very difficult time getting around, even having to use a walker if she's going very far at all. The 3 of us went out for lunch today and it just exhausted her. She's actually in the guest room resting right now. I have to work tomorrow so she'll have to hang out here by herself for a bit, but hopefully we'll get to squeeze in some more quality time tomorrow evening too. My stepmom will be picking Nana back up Monday morning, on her way back home from seeing her daughter (my stepsister) in a neighboring state.

I may finally be willing to admit that I'm struggling with some pretty serious depression right now. I lack the drive to do much of anything, cry at the drop of a hat, take about one shower a week, and can't stand to be around much of anyone. I get so anxious having to go out to the store that I have even cried. I had to go to wal.mart yesterday and it was the first time in a long time that Matt had to join me. There was so much traffic that it took us twice as long to get there and twice as long to find a parking spot, meaning I was already anxious. Then it was just so packed inside that we kept having to wait our turns to pull the cart out into the traffic. I had to keep my hands in the pockets of my jacket, where I picked at my cuticles nervously. It seems so stupid and I keep telling myself it's just because there are so many people out for holiday shopping, that it will get better after the new year, and I really hope it's not just  a lie I'm telling myself, because I'm not sure I can live like this.

So yeah, depressed, kind of pissed off, but still feeling ready to be pregnant again. It doesn't have to be rational, right?

Hope you all have a wonderful holiday season full of love, family, and memory making!

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Or so I'm hoping. My beta from Monday was 0. They said they're not sure if I will bleed more or not. I may even ovulate again first. They also told me to count my first day of bleeding from two weeks ago as CD1 despite the fact that my beta was increasing after that point. If I do that, then I might ovulate this week. I'm still afraid not to wear a pad or pantyliner of some sort with all the uncertainty of whether I'll actually bleed more or not. With as horrible as my miscarriage was four years ago, I'm plenty fine with skipping that.

I'm not really ready to process it yet. Maybe I don't have anything to process. I don't know. Matt has definitely taken it harder, at least outwardly, like this event really made everything we've done to try and have a baby kind of sink in a little more. I still just feel kind of numb about the whole ordeal. I'm dreading getting the bill from those 3 pointless betas but it mostly feels easier to just pretend it never happened.

Since I'm not bleeding, I guess we're gonna start trying pretty quickly, and maybe my hormones are still kind of wacky because it's not taking much more than a random dirty thought to get things going. We've had company pretty constantly for the last month or so but it hasn't stopped us yet.

And all of this mess has given me a good excuse to drink copious amounts of wine while eating handfuls of sugary candies and giving every one a look that says, "say something, I dare you." It may be time to start running again.

Sunday, December 2, 2012

I started bleeding bright red again yesterday, just a little more than what I would consider spotting. It was unsettling but I was trying to stay as optimistic as possible, while still keep myself guarded. We had company that we didn't want to even know about the pregnancy which has made all of it a little more stressful than it needed to be. I really overdid it on Friday hiking with our company and thought the bleeding was just my body's way to telling me to take it a little easier. Since getting the beta results on Wednesday, I hadn't taken any more pregnancy tests, in an attempt to salvage some sanity, but after the bleeding yesterday, I decided it would bring me piece of mind to see those bright pink lines again so I bought some. I figured when I woke up this morning, I'd pee on one, see two big lines and just go about my day of waitressing with some reassurance. Instead, I saw such a teeny tiny hint of a line that probably isn't visible to non-professional eyes that it could only mean one thing. The End Is Near.

I continued to bleed on and off today, starting to cramp on and off. My right shoulder is achey, which worries me like nothing else and makes me terrified that my earliest suspicions were right. No more sore boobs. No more frequent bathroom trips (except to see if I'm bleeding heavier yet). No more hope, not even a sliver. I'm going to call my clinic in the morning and see if they really want to make me come in for that blood draw tomorrow. I have no idea if anything will need to be done at this point. I mean, I'm only 5 weeks, won't my body realize pretty quickly that nothing is growing anymore? If it were ectopic, wouldn't my body being putting out enough hcg to turn a test positive? I'm thinking that I will likely go see my herbalist midwife friend to set me up with a nice concoction to get this show on the road if I can get the go ahead from my doctor's nurse. I'm strangely anxious to try again.

I don't have the same feelings as I did four years ago. Then it was entirely unexpected and out of the blue after 12 blissful weeks of nausea, vomitting, and cravings. This time, I saw it coming as soon as I saw that first bit of blood on the toilet paper. My intuition told me, this wasn't going to be the baby I'd get to finally meet. My brain tried to tell me with night after night of waking many times from nightmares where I was sleeping in pools and puddles of blood. I have hardly cried about it at all yet, just some tearing up here and there in conversation. When I finally let go, it's not going to be pretty. I promise not to lose my mind like I did four years ago. I promise to cling tight to the friends and love in my life. I promise to let their love help overpower the sadness and self loathing that I know is to come. It's just all together different. I'm thankful that I told the people that I told and that we didn't tell our families. I suck at breaking bad news. I'll update again tomorrow afternoon most likley.

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Well, my beta on Monday was 79 and it went up to 123 on Tuesday. They said my progesterone was a little low, but that could be from being so early still, though it makes me even more weary of getting hopeful. They want me to come back on Monday for another and go from there on the next step. I am super crampy and my back aches and I'm soooo tired.
My progression so far. First two
were before the bleeding and the other 3 were the last few days
I went 48 hours with only 2 hours of sleep because of a long birth so the fatigue I was feeling before has been amplified. Got another darker pregnancy test yesterday before I went for my second beta.  I've been trying to keep myself busy and pretend like my lack of appetite and slight waves of nausea are just from nerves.

I did get our xmas cards done though! I like them and think they really fit our personality! I can't wait to start sending them out!

Stationery card
View the entire collection of cards.

Monday, November 26, 2012

I'm about to leave and get my first beta. I'm really just trying to expect the worst news but hope is managing to creep it's way in. I was frozen with fear when calling them and then I had to leave a voicemail and wait for them to call back. Now the order is in at the lab and all I have to do is walk in. 

I'm still all crampy, super tired, my boobs hurt, and the bleeding has totally stopped so it's hard not to hope. 

My client's early labor didn't progress like we'd hoped so I'll be going up to the hospital later in the day for a birth which will hopefully give me at least a few moments where I can not obsess over things that are out of my control completely. 

Sunday, November 25, 2012

Well, just when I was ready to move on, had started taking this month's Clo.mid, and just wanted to take another test so that I could assure myself that I was ok to keep taking the Clo.mid, last night's test, after absolutely no pee holding, was darker than any of the ones before the bleeding.

I will be making an appointment with my doctor's office tomorrow in the hopes that we can figure out what's going on. Of course, I want to hope for the best while still preparing myself for the worse and now instead of just being sad that we lost another pregnancy, I'm worried I'll end up losing a tube or have some retained tissue or some other super awful thing.

And my client's water broke pretty recently so I'm going to be attending a birth in the imminent future while all this weighs on my mind. Should be interesting.

Thursday, November 22, 2012

Yesterday was a pretty great day. In the morning, I got a faint positive on a FRER and went about my day optimistically. I bought some answer brand tests and clear blue digital ones and then went to a movie with a friend. The showing we were going to see was sold out so we bought tickets for the next one and decided to go get something to eat real quick. Most places were closed since it was Thanksgiving Eve (is that a thing?) so we ended up in a place where the servers wear very little clothing and plaid push up bras, and she convinced me to pee on a test there (it didn't take much.) It was positive right away and I got even more optimistic. Before I went to bed last night, I decided to pee on a digital test just for the hell of it and to my surprise, it said pregnant. I went to bed on a high, full of ideas about how to tell Matt this morning.

Instead of making Matt french toast and finding some cutesy way of slipping him my pregnancy test, I immediately found bright red blood. I was kind of a mess so I had to explain to Matt through tears why. I had to work waiting tables from 10-5 (which was pretty awful, even if I did make really good money) and all I could think about was how dumb I was for hoping. I was on the verge of tears for most of it. I did get to have an amazing meal with some of my close friends, who really are family to me, and bask in the love that radiates through that house. Those boys make me feel like a celebrity every time I come over, waiting by the front window for me, shouting "Hooray" and hugging me as soon as they see me. It's pretty great.

But yeah, probably just had a chemical pregnancy. Going to try to take it as a good sign. Refilled my Clo.mid prescription and hoping that my body decides to give me the real deal next month.

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Welcome ICLW-er's! Glad to have you making the rounds again! You can read about our journey here. Right now, I'm waiting to find out if this random Clo.mid cycle is another bust. We're financially stuck in limbo, just doing some unmonitored Clo.mid cycles every couple of months when things start to feel stagnant.

Call it bad timing, call it my usual luck, but I'm supposed to start my period tomorrow, which for all us Americans is Thanksgiving. This will be our first holiday not driving home (4ish hours away) to see our families. I'm on call for a doula client who is due any day now so I can't go more than an hour away. The husband works for a residential drug rehab for teenage boys, and since they don't get to go home for the holidays, neither does he. He works all day tomorrow and since I didn't want to sit at home alone, I agreed to do some waitressing to keep myself busy. The additional money won't hurt either, of course.

My mind is totally somewhere else today and I'm not ready to talk about it just yet. Please feel free to look around, don't feel like you have to just comment here. I promise, sometimes I actually have interesting things to say.

Monday, November 5, 2012

I've fallen into a slump. Not sure how it happened, or why, but I can't seem to find my way back out. I thought some steamy married folk fun would bring me out, and it did, but only temporarily. Maybe it's the Clo.mid, maybe it's that it's been 6 months since I graduated nursing school and I'm still license-less, under employed, and broke, maybe it's our still childless home, maybe it's the looming election and my ovaries are arming themselves for the worst. All I know, is that it really, really fucking sucks.

I spend a lot of time just sitting and staring into space. Ok, so that's not entirely true...I spend a lot of time sitting and staring at my television screen while I mindlessly watch Gossip Girl (and yeah, I'm super ashamed of it!) I'm not sure how I ended up this addicted but it does give my depression an outlet.

Here's to self medication and drowning sorrows...

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

The last few days have been pretty great. I have spent some time with both my current doula clients, had two days to sleep a lot while covered in mentholatum to kick the majority of my illness, and then got a visit from one of my best friends. I am just such a happier person when my Wanda is around. She and her husband just passed their cytotech boards about a month ago and we've known since then that it was a possibility that they would be moving to North Carolina for a job. Her husband found out last week that they need him to start asap so they're moving tomorrow (Wednesday). She had already been loosely planning to come stay with me at some point and this just solidified it. 

She drove up after she got off work Sunday and left just about an hour ago. We spent Sunday night watching zombie movies and talking nonstop. We woke up pretty late yesterday and just lazed around for a while. We finally got ready and headed to the local wildlife rescue/drive-thru safari and petting zoo. We got to pet some kangaroos (which are sooooo soft!!), a calf, baby piggies, and even two 13 week old lions! Then we drove through which took about an hour where we saw hundreds of other animals, including a camel that did not want to move out of the way of the car. After that we went out to eat at my favorite little coffee shop a few towns north of us and then spent hours and hours visiting with the awesome Mac family. I feel like a celebrity when I visit them because as soon as I ring the door bell I hear the pitter patter of little feet running about screaming, "mommy, Rochelle is here!" "Rochelle is here!" many times before the door opens to lots of smiles and hugs. The hours flew by as we all visited together and hashed out past stories of both joy and woe. We made it home pretty late last night and then ended up staying up until 3:30am talking and watching silly tv. As soon as she left, I missed her and got super sad that we didn't get a picture together while she was here.

 I'm hoping she will be back in December for a pharmacy school interview a few hours from me and that I'll be able to somehow make the drive while being on call. I've got another secret plan in the making but it won't be revealed until Christmas and won't go into play until March of next year.

I'm hoping tomorrow I can talk Matt into going on another hike with me since neither of us work and we have no other plans. And in honor of Halloween, I will leave you with a picture from many years ago. If we actually had somewhere to go tomorrow night, I think I could totally recreate the look and give Pippi a comeback! The Clo.mid hasn't been awful at all, the perks of taking a few months off I guess. Even my period was strange, short and easy. Instead of the usual 4 days of heavy with 2 or 3 more days of spotting, it was light one day, heavy the next 2 and then done. It was pretty pain free too. I took a little naproxen sodium on the two heavy days and that was it. No pain pills at all! Stay tuned for another picture of our smooshing our faces together on top of another mountain tomorrow. 

Saturday, October 27, 2012

Lately I've been feeling like my life has become this stagnant mess. I frequently find thoughts in my head to support whatever psychological illness I've chosen to diagnose myself with on any given day. Even when I'm not nearing my period, crying comes easily. A commercial, a children's book, even a radio ad, can trigger whatever I'm letting build up inside me. I haven't had much time for solitary release, keeping myself constantly busy or surrounded by people. I guess it has all finally caught up with me. I fought a sore throat last week (& let myself be a tad excited that it was right before my period) that has now turned into a full respiratory funk. All day yesterday and all day today I've just felt wiped out and full of mucous. It's unpleasant to say the least. I'm going to blame my brain fog from this funk for the decision I made while at the pharmacy.

I went to the checkout with pads, chocolate, cough drops, Mentholatum, and a Clo.mid refil. We've been on a break the last few months, not trying, not preventing, just going with the flow of life. While it's been nice, I'll admit I've gotten a little jealous in the ttc blogosphere as everyone else moves forward. Since we can't afford any IUIs right now, the office said it should be fine to take some more Clo.mid. I know, I know, unmonitored is scary and it's probably going to make my endo grow back even faster but you all know by now, rational thoughts have little place in the infertile mind. So, we're gonna do 100mg of Clo.mid this month, took my first dose last night, and hoping it gives me the little euphoric boost it has in the past. Who knows, maybe we'll actually get lucky this time. 

Monday, October 22, 2012

Hey everyone making their way over here through the ICLW! Take some time to wander around and learn more about us on the "our journey" page at the top.

We're not actively doing anything towards bringing our children into our lives. We saw a reproductive endocrinologist in July who said I had superb ovaries and seemed equally as puzzled about why r + m isn't equaling a baby. We agreed the endometriosis has to be a factor and he suggested we do a few IUIs before moving onto IVF. After my laproscopy costing us over $7k that we'll be paying on for a while and a couple other random huge expenses we've had lately, it's not looking like we'll be at a point to afford any of that any time soon. I graduated nursing school in May, took my NCLEX in August, and still don't have my results thanks to some stupid juvenile offense from over a decade ago. There's really no timeline on how long it will take to get all that sorted out so for now, I'm stuck waiting tables and nannying, randomly taking on birth doula clients as possible and praying that it leaves us in the black at the end of the month. Since we can't document that we have $200 left over at the end of the month (and some months we don't), we can't pursue the foster/adopt route at the moment either. Sort of feels like most of our life is just put on hold for the foreseeable future. We've been filling our time with too much TV and not enough talking so that's why we've added in our weekly lunch hike which I'm hoping will help us feel more connected.

I taught a focus session at the state nursing students convention a few weeks ago on nurses and doulas. I planned for maybe 15 people to show up since it was an early slot that conflicted with some other really great sessions. You can imagine my shock when the entire room filled up with eager nursing students (and even a faculty member or two), ready to  hear me speak. I had such a great time doing it and felt so at ease, so at home in front of my "class" that I have really be doing a lot of serious thinking about the educational path I plan to take. My goal since before getting accepted into nursing school, has always been to become a nurse midwife and while that is still something I'm incredibly interested in, I feel like I have the possibility to make so much more change as a teacher. Being able to reach the minds of so many nursing students so close to when they go into practice seems like an amazing opportunity to get more nurses focused on giving evidenced based care and not just going along with protocol. We'll see where it all takes me, and I may just end up with a DNP or DMP anyway. I'll be in school forever. Matt is getting used to the idea. Especially if I'm willing to get a decent paying job and let him be a stay at home dad.

And on that note, I asked that crazy man how many kids would be his maximum number and his answer left me shocked! He said "well, do I get to be a stay at home dad?" and when I said yes, he said "seven." SEVEN! Seriously, seven kids?!?! I figured he'd lowball it and I'd work up to four. He is going to be such a great dad and hopefully we can figure out a way to make that happen very soon!

Thursday, October 18, 2012

I need to sit down and give a proper update but life has been crazy as usual. I had an over 48 hour birth which felt like was immediately followed by being out of town for 3 days for convention. I managed to mess my back up somehow while I was gone and I'm still dealing with that. Despite the pain, we held strong to our hike yesterday and I'm glad we did. So with that, here's a picture of our smooshed together faces for your enjoyment. I swear, a real post is coming soon.

Friday, September 28, 2012

In case you've missed it, we've had quite a run of terrible luck lately. To add to it, just a few days ago the brakes in our one working vehicle went out. We were going to barely be scraping by paying all our bills right now on time and there was pretty much no way we could have bought new brakes. I called my mom to see if she could get us a discounted price through their business account with the auto parts store and she sensed the total desperation in my voice as I tried to hold myself together long enough to get through the conversation. She said she was going to see what she could do and call me back. I figured that at most, they might be able to pitch in to help us buy the part & they'd be there for phone support to help us change the parts out. I was incredibly shocked when she called back to let me know that not only were they going to buy the parts, but they were going to drive the 3+ hours to my home pulling a trailer full of everything they could need to fix our car and help us get it going again. They also towed away my other (non-working) car to see if they can fix it, and if they can't, I get the pleasure of demolishing it before they take it in for scrap. My mom even said she'd teach me how to drive the bulldozer so I can use it to beat that pain the ass of a car to a pulp. So this past Wednesday, my mom, my uncle, and my nephew all drove up here to save our asses. It happened to be my nephew's birthday and he was pretty excited to be able to just watch Netflix all day & play on our laptop since he's home-schooled on my mom's little farm and he's used to always having a long list of chores to keep him busy. It didn't take my uncle very long to figure out we needed a new master cylinder for our brakes, as well as new spark plugs and wires. They made a trip to the auto parts store and spent almost $200, bought us some Taco Bell, and came back to get to work. After they got the brakes fixed, they loaded up our broken down car onto their trailer and then my mom & I went grocery shopping. I looked at our bank account and knew I had about $80 max with which to buy us food for the next 10 days or so. On the way there my mom told me that she would pay for the groceries and she wanted me to use my money to get gas to fill up our car. She went through Walmart picking out meals for us. Meals that we usually don't eat but stuff that was cheap and would make multiple things. She bought us a lot of staple foods and my face definitely shown that I was overwhelmed. I think it's more food than has been in my house the entire time we've lived here. We came back home, made some pizza for the boys, made some chocolate cupcakes with chocolate chip icing for the birthday boy, and just had a good time in each other's company.

I still find myself in shock from time to time that my mom and I have a pretty good relationship now. Throughout most of my teenage years, we fought like crazy, both being physically and verbally abusive to each other. Moving in with my dad seemed only to intensify how much hatred I had for her. It wasn't until after Matt & I had started dating that she and I finally even started talking to each other again. Matt and I actually lived on her property when we first got married until we could afford our own apartment. It's nice to see it come full circle and while there are still many wounds there from my adolescence, they just might have started to scab over a little.

I am just feeling really thankful for my family right now. For the family I was born into, the one I married into, the one I merged into after over a decade, and the one that we continue to build for each other. Without them, our crapptastic luck would have been unbearable but because of their support, love, and never ending faith in our capacity to make our lives better, we have been able to endure. We make it over one hurdle only to find a few more detours, roadblocks, and dead ends on the other side. I know we'll make it through but I don't think either of us have been unchanged by all this. We walk around a little more cynical and jaded, glaring suspiciously when hope tries to rear it's ugly head. There's no one else I'd rather stand with on this journey than Matt (and he reminded me of that for the millionth time today as he volunteered to throw my banana peel at the folks protesting in front of the planned parenthood down the road from us...and followed through!)

Thursday, September 20, 2012

Welcome everyone from ICLW! Learn more about it on my side bar if you're not in the know. You can read more about us and our infertility journey here. Right now, we're just kicking back and enjoying the ride as we deal with some tough financial times and the realization that we're far too broke to have a kid (or at least too broke to get approved to foster-adopt or continue fertility treatments.) I could always go for more clomid but I'm kind of enjoying the small bit of sanity I have at the moment. I'm kind of boring right now as I am crazy busy with my doula business and the budding doula group in my area. I'll hopefully be hearing about my NCLEX exam results sometime soon and I'll finally be an R.N and with any luck, I can get a job that will turn our entire checking account around. Stick around, I'm sure things will get more exciting soon (and sweet baby jesus I hope it's a good kind of exciting.)

Monday, September 17, 2012

I got a lot accomplished today. Or at least, I feel like I did. I visited with a friend this morning that I hadn't seen since we graduated high school. I'm not sure I would have thought we'd one day have so much in common but the hours flew by quickly as we caught up (and I met her absolutely adorable son.) Then I got some emailing done and went to visit with some more friends (and eat delicious strawberry whipped pie.)

And lastly, I carpooled to an ICAN meeting with my current client who is hoping when she wakes up every day that she will go into labor that day. It will probably be a few more weeks so I was glad she went to the meeting to soak up some extra encouragement.

Sunday, September 16, 2012

       Well Friday I finally drove the 4 hours I needed to in order to retrieve what I hope was the necessary documents that the state board needs to see that, yes, I was indeed 12 years old when I threw some girl's backpack in the toilet and got criminal mischief. I'm sure I'll have more hoops to jump through now but I won't find that out until tomorrow when I call up there (not that this lady will likely call me back though.) I'm anticipating the need for character references so I'll be sending out an email blast to a ton of people if that's the case. I jokingly want to send them like 50 of them, perhaps bound together in a nice coffee table book full of lovely words about me in 50pt fonts. I hand delivered the papers to the state board office, waiting in their lobby for over 30 minutes just so I could hand it to a real person. When she told me I could have just left the envelope there on the counter, I explained she didn't understand my luck lately, which is why I didn't trust putting it in the mail either.
         After getting that taken care of, I got to go get my haircut for the first time since November, which meant seeing one of my best friends for a little bit since she is my rockin' hair stylist. You can't really tell I got a hair cut at all except that my ends don't look crunchy and I have a few more layers around my face. It's still super long (which means super low maintenance) and I love it. I just get out of the shower, towel dry it real quick, and go about my day. I never knew I'd be so thankful for my board straight hair. 
       Then, I got to see my other bestie, right after passing her cytotechnology board exam! Since I hand over my state nursing students association board position next month, I'm not sure we'll get to continue our once monthly visits and I've come to rely on them for sanity. Her husband, who also passed his boards that same day, is interviewing tomorrow for a job out of state and I am only a little joking when I say, we will follow (especially this particular state.) It was great to get to catch up with them both.
       I left from there to go see my mom really quickly (which is usually a hilarious concept but I lucked out and they were all outside so I managed to actually stay only the hour I intended.) We got a nice little visit and then I was on my way to pick up my Nana so we could go visit with my dad & stepmom. I think I (accidentally) spent more time talking with my stepmom than I did my dad but he was watching some hot rod shows and was really into it. My conversation with my stepmom (whom I adore) helped me put my worries into perspective a bit. She has been looking for work for so long now that she's finally given up searching anymore. She has trigeminal neuralgia which has an incredibly high rate of suicide to go along with it because it is so very painful and the slightest thing (like a breeze, chewing, talking, burping) can set off pain that quickly fills her entire head. On top of this, she has a tumor in the base of her brain and all she really knows about it is that it exists. She hasn't had health insurance in a long time and told me she's to the point where she's not sure she even wants to know any more about it. She doesn't want to find out that it's wrapped around a bunch of stuff and/or inoperable. She deals with all this on a daily basis, along with the fact that, while I call her my stepmom, her and my dad aren't actually married. My dad has his own little business and I found out that he hasn't paid taxes on it in a while. She's scared he's going to keep being irresponsible and let it build until the gov comes after him. She wants to marry him, he wants to marry her, but she can't take the risk that in punishing my dad, they end up taking her house & everything she owns as well. I totally understand that but it still breaks my heart, especially when I think of how short all our time is on this side of existence.
      From there, I went back to my Nana's to stay the night. It was just like being a little girl again, sleeping there in my Nana's big bed with her rubbing my back. When I woke up in the morning, it smelled like cleaning supplies and I could hear her in the kitchen mopping while singing gospel music. I didn't want to get out of bed. I didn't want to be a grown up again yet. I was so overwhelmed with my own feelings that I lay there for a few moments and silently shed some tears. After 10 minutes or so, I finally got up and started getting ready for my day. We shared some coffee and sentiments about visits never being long enough. I could never live back in my hometown, but it sure is hard to leave sometimes.
     I had to be at my board meeting at 9am and I didn't leave until a couple minutes after 6pm. It was a longggg day and then I had a 3 hour drive back home after it ended. I had to drive through a ton of rain but I made it. I have a ton of email type stuff to do when I get home from working this afternoon and then tomorrow I can take it easy, lay in my hammock a while, do a little event promotion for the Meet the Doulas event next Saturday, and chitchat with a client & other mamas at the monthly ICAN meeting in the evening. I will remind myself throughout this week how blessed we really are, even when it feels like everything that could go wrong has gone wrong.

(And thanks for the encouraging words after my last sad little pity party.)

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

It's creeping up on me. I feel it coming on. This time four years ago, I was happy. Things were no where near perfect but I remember being happy. It was also around this time that I stopped feeling nauseated 24/7. Our baby had likely already been dead weeks but I was clueless. Part of me wonders if I will ever be that happy again. A week from tomorrow will make four years. It's hard to imagine that it was that long ago. Each year, the pain gets a little better and a little worse.

As fate would have it, one of my best friend's birthdays falls on that exact day. Like the universe wanted to make sure I couldn't be completely miserable on that day but also that I'd have a good excuse to have a drink at the same time.

That sweet lost baby is on my mind so often these days. As I lay beside my sweet ninja.kiddo tonight, rubbing his back as he drifted off into sleep while we waited for his parents to get home, it came to me that our child would only be a few months younger than him and my mind quickly spiraled into how different our lives could be. I have longed to be a parent for so long now that I just can't picture it actually happening anymore. It's been four years without being even a little pregnant.

Just having an off day and those seem to come a little more frequently these days.

Sunday, September 9, 2012

We have some amazing friends.  The kind of friends who go out of their way to help us out over and over again. We would be so lost without them.

I have an amazing nanny boss. They're understanding, generous, and so kind. They gave me a slight raise this last week. The kid is pretty awesome when he's not throwing a fit and he says the most hilarious things sometimes.

I have an incredible husband. He is kind when I'm weak and has no problem telling me to "shut up" when I'm digging myself a hole. He does so much around the house, works many more hours than I do, and still makes it a point to find some time for us. We had a lovely night last night with some of our amazing friends, some intoxicating vices, and later in my hammock in the back yard.

The weather has been beautiful and I've actually been able to enjoy it some. Went for a nice, long walk yesterday instead of driving to my meeting. It was almost even cold this morning.

I have a great little waitress gig. I get to work the best shift out of the week, get away with pretty much anything, and know that I can work 6 hours and come home with at least $100. I will be going out tomorrow to search for a closer one to tide me over until I get my license crap dealt with.

My doula group is taking off. Our event is shaping up to be really successful. The goodie bags are going to kick ass and our door prizes are pretty awesome too. With any luck, this will be the first of many events to come! And I'm getting involved with a local up-and-coming breastfeeding organization locally promoting breastfeeding friendly practices at local businesses. Even without my nursing license, I am going to make change. I am going to keep moving forward towards my goals.

And boo on today being the day that everyone and their mom wanted to ask me why we didn't have kids yet! But I am so thankful for the strength I have today. That I can just shrug and say, "that's a good question" and leave it at that. I did get some really great advice about getting some sort of geode and how that would get me pregnant.....thanks, I guess. I wouldn't have handled it all so well in the past.

Now to make some delicious black bean burgers for my amazing husband with some sweet potato fries and the new Doctor Who episode!!!

Thursday, September 6, 2012

I'm stranded without a vehicle once more. This time, it just wouldn't start Tuesday when I went to go run some errands so it's sitting back at the dealership where hopefully it will get worked on today. I was able to borrow a car the last two days to get to work but that wasn't a possibility today since Matt had to be at a training until 5:30 tonight. It is giving me a chance to catch up on some responsibilities I let slip lately.

Labor Day was a big day for me. A very busy, successful day. First off, I ran in the Run for a Child 5k to benefit our local CASA. It wasn't my best time and it wasn't my worst time, but I did manage to complete my goal of not throwing up! It was my 5th 5k and it was the first time I haven't puked my guts up after running. I'm hoping that means I'm super slowly gaining some sort of tolerance. I went straight from there to my local Rally for Change. I coordinated the event and wanted to make sure I was there before anyone else. I only jumped into it about 5 weeks ago so I didn't have even half of the planning time that most locations had. I was incredibly happy with the 15 men, women, and kiddos that turned out to hold signs with me and attempt to raise awareness for better maternity care practices in our country. We made it on the front page of the local paper and in a few other local papers on the 2nd page with a picture too!

I was really excited about it and you can see the picture here too(although you have to be a subscriber to read the article). I was quoted in it and kept teasing Matt that now that my name has been in the paper twice in the past 4 months, I'm kind of a big deal. I'm already getting excited about how much bigger next year will be.

This week has given a slight rise to my mood lately, even with the further car head ache. Things are coming together in my doula life and I'm getting very excited about the Meet the Doulas event we have scheduled in a few weeks, as well as the amazing opportunity to teach a focus session about doulas and nurses at the state nursing students convention in early October. At least something feels like it's moving forward!

Sunday, September 2, 2012

Gah. So who knows when I will get my results. After many phone calls, I finally tracked down the reason I couldn't get my results online. Apparently, it was a mistake that I even got to take the test since they haven't fully processed my application. We were told to self-report on our state board application if we've ever had any sort of charge against us, even if it was a juvenile offense. While I now know I should have just checked the "no" box, I was bullied into putting the time that I got in a bathroom girl fight when I was 14 and threw a girl's backpack into the toilet, getting charged with criminal mischief. This doesn't show up on any background check, no matter how deep, but since I self-reported, now I have to provide documentation that may or may not still exist before they will give me my results. And of course, it can't be easy like a phone call or a fax. Instead, I have to drive 8 hours round trip in the hopes that they can track something down that shows that I have paid my dues (11 freaking years ago!!!)

It just feels like it's always something. One road block after another. Then this past week, after putting $30 in the gas tank and heading to pick up Matt from work, I started smelling gas. Quickly realized something wasn't right as my gas gauge started falling and barely made it to pick him up before it died in the middle of the street. He pushed it into a parking lot and we spent the next 3 days figuring out what we needed to do to get it fixed, which ended up with taking it to a dealership our friend works at and accepting his offer to put the bill on his dad's credit card. So now we just owe money to more people but at least we have a car. Being stranded while on call for my doula job was more stress than I needed on top of everything else. Thankfully, that sweet little baby waited until we had our car back to make her appearance. I was at the hospital with my clients from Friday evening until around 6am on Saturday morning and then spent all day yesterday exhausted with some random naps.

I have to wait tables today which I am majorly dreading but we're so broke, I should just be thankful for some extra money. I'm just pretty consistently in a bad mood lately. As you can imagine, it's not really doing wonders for me on the  relationship front. Not just with Matt but with my friends and family as well. I have become the master of avoiding phone calls and replying to texts days after they were sent. I am dealing with just a lot of negative thinking, building resentment for people and things in my life, and a very real sense of drowning. I've just kind of let bitchiness seep in everywhere and fills the cracks where sadness is trying to creep out. It's my big bad defense mechanism and it works pretty well at driving folks away. Then, in one quick move, something else will happen, more terrible luck of some sort, and I will be thrown into full on meltdown mode. It doesn't take much and if I had better insurance, I'd be seeking out some drugs but for now, I just close it up inside myself and wait for the current storm to pass in the hope that during the lull between mishaps I can recover the strength I feel I've lost somewhere along the way in the last few months. Sex is the last thing I want anything to do with right now as that involves a closeness and vulnerability that I feel like would lead to a break down, and lets face it, I put Matt through enough without having to sob during or after sex. Besides, I haven't taken a shower in like a week now so I'd just like everyone to keep their distance at this point. With that no where on my radar, baby making just hasn't been something I've thought about very often lately except to think about how pointless it seems right now and make myself feel shittier.

I'm just falling behind on all my responsibilities and still can't say no to taking on too much. I have been the only coordinator for the local rally that is part of the National Rally for Improving Birth being held nationwide tomorrow which means that it hasn't gotten as much promotion as I would have liked. I hope it's not a huge flop but don't really have the energy to do much about it. I'm also running another 5k tomorrow but it's been a week since I ran last so I'm sure it will be horrible. I don't even want to spend time with myself (which is what I feel like when I run) so I've been avoiding me too. Sorry for the big, uplifting post but that's just where I am right now. Who knows, maybe I'll wake up tomorrow and thing will just suck less but I'm not going to hold my breath.

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

(First off, hello to everyone coming from ICLW. You can read about our journey from start to finish at the page at the top. Right now, I'm in purgatory waiting to find out if I passed the NCLEX (the licensing exam to become a registered nurse){and also on call waiting for a doula client to go into labor so no getting drunk to mask the anxiety}. We're not currently doing anything special to try and make a baby, just hoping for some better insurance in our future.)

And for my NCLEX drama, I finally got the courage up to call the state board yesterday afternoon and spoke to a really nice lady about figuring out my test score. I explained to her what happened with the website and she didn't understand, so I explained it again. She took my name and SSN and put me on hold. Then she came back on and said she couldn't find a record of me registering to take the test. She put me on hold again and switched to another computer where she finally found where I took my test on the 15th but didn't have the results and she didn't know why. She took my phone number down and said she was going to do some more investigating and get back to me. She didn't call at all today so I decided I will try and swallow it up and call them back tomorrow morning. So I still don't know what I made and I'm losing my rate at a slightly quicker rate than usual.

I've also decided this must be what it feels like to be close and/or past your due date while pregnant  because everyone that loves me is texting, calling, facebook messaging like mad to ask if I know anything yet when they're all aware that I would be shouting it at the rooftops, whether I passed or failed, just to be out of this place of waiting waiting waiting.

I got to try and help a friend on a rough day this morning. It was the EDD from her miscarriage earlier this year and she had a major breakdown at work (which isn't far from me) and called me to see if I could get her drunk. It was like 10:30 this morning when we decided to go to a more adult friendly coffee shop and then we came back to my house to watch some trash tv while she sobered up. I was glad I could be there for her, coming from a place of understanding since I spent my EDD super drunk and miserable.

Then Matt and I spent the rest of the day together. We fetched my nanny guy's dog from their place while they're out of town, we spent some time watching a comedy show at our friends' home, and then came home and I cooked him some barbecue chicken, cheesy scalloped potatoes, and chocolate chunk cupcakes. It was all super, super yummy. Now we're going to watch the series finale of Smallville (and I will cry.)

Sunday, August 19, 2012

Ugh. I am seriously the worst blogger. How in the world has a whole month almost past? We've been holed up on our couch devouring Smallville (all 10 seasons in pretty much a month!!!) When I left off last, I'd just had my NCLEX paid for and ran a 5k. I'm still running, getting in about 10 miles a week right now but hoping to increase that once our weather starts to cool off a bit (and the sweet angel baby who I ran my last 5k in honor is a big sister to a beautiful, chubby cheeked little girl!)

As for my NCLEX, I took it last Wednesday. I had to wake up super early and drive about an hour south of me to the testing center (and I am sooooo not a morning person.) I already wanted to puke so you can imagine the pure horror that I felt once I realized that I didn't have my authorization to test email that I needed in order to even be admitted into the testing center. I immediately burst into tears and the lady at the desk pointed me towards the nearest Staples. I drove there quickly only to discover that it was closed which caused even more panic. I immediately thought of my sweet, super awesome friend Lisa, who used to live in the town I was testing in, and called her. She panicked for me too and got online to help me search for a place where I could print the email I needed. She located a fedex store for me and I was really, really, really super thankful that they were open and could help me out. I was in such a hurry to get out of there and back to the testing center that I actually ran into the automatic doors because I was practically running back to my car. So I got to take my test right after pretty much having a panic attack and crying a ton. The picture that they took of me prior to the test (to confirm that I came out the same person?) looked so terrible because I was trying to smile through stifled tears. I got 75 questions and was done in about 50 minutes. I should have been able to see my test results within 72 hours of taking the exam and while the state website had no problem taking my money, confirming that they had the results, and letting me proceed to the following page only to have a big blank space next to where my score should have been!!!!! I could have thrown the computer. I checked again this morning and got the same thing. Someone told me to call tomorrow and I think I'll be the first call through. I've got no fingernails left and it's pretty much all I can think of right now.

We aren't really ttc at the moment. Not doing any preventing, (unless you count being too stressed out to really do any babymaking) just let it kind of fall off the radar for now. And soon, I'll  hopefully be transitioning into a new job so who really knows what's happening on that front. If I end up with good insurance, we'll go ahead with the IUI, if not, we'll keep on, keepin' on. On the adoption front, it's on hold for the moment too since our finances are less than ideal. I think at this point, one look at our bank account would send them running for the door. I'm just feeling stuck stuck stuck stuck stuck stuck. I can feel change on my heels though.

Saturday, July 21, 2012

Hey everyone! For those who are wondering what ICLW is, click on the little button in my side bar. It's usually my favorite time of the month. Since I'm constantly being left in the dust in the infertility world, it's my opportunity to re-introduce myself and find some new blogs from women who are in a similar situations. For those of you wanting to know about my story from the beginning, click here. Right now, we're just in the saving up money stage. I have some Clomid scripts but we'll likely just put that off until we can afford the IUI. We are simultaneously starting the process to adopt from foster care and are waiting for a bit more financial security before we re-do our budget form and set up the home visit prior to classes.

I have had an incredibly blessed and stressed week. Really stressing about money right now and wondering how ends are going to meet at all this month. I've been waiting tables every single day, sometimes multiple shifts per day and sometimes going to my nanny job afterwards. We lost two servers unexpectedly in the last week so it's really put a strain on things. I've been making some money though and that's all that really matters. Other than the extra money blessings, I was presented with an amazing gift from the amazing folks that I serve on the Arkansas Nursing Students Association with. They all pitched and paid for my NCLEX!!!! I was driving home from work when I found out and couldn't stop crying. It was just so unexpected and so kind. So now I actually get to take the test and (with any luck) add R.N behind my name. I decided to apply for some jobs on the evening and got a call the next day about setting up an interview for a night time labor and delivery job at one of the better hospitals in the area. It's also the hospital my OB practices at and I doula'd a birth there last month so I'm comfortable there. And I know they do lots of VBACs and low intervention births unlike the other hospital that offered me a job. I'm not exactly thrilled to be working on the other end of what I'm used to but I really feel like I could make a difference for those mama's that did want a natural birth. And I'm hoping that with a night position I would have a little bit more autonomy. This is going to sound really bizarre but I just want to get some practice doing cervical checks since the only cervix I've ever touched is my own.

I ran another 5k this morning. It was The Race to Remember and I ran in honor of one of my friend's daughters who lived for almost a month in the fall of 2010. All proceeds from this event went to the amazing organization called Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep which takes professional pictures for families experiencing an infant loss. It felt amazing to pour my energy into such a worthy cause and although I injured my IT band earlier in the week running and was told to rest/not run, I didn't listen and I'm satisfied with my time. I figured whatever pain I felt during the run, it was no comparison to the pain of losing a baby and it kept me going when I wanted to quit. My heart and mind were full of all the amazing women I've met who have endured their own losses and I felt like I was around friends.

I went from the race to the farmer's market and picked up some delicious heirloom tomatoes, some bell peppers, and some nectarines. Came home and made myself a lovely little egg scramble and decided to watch The Lorax (which was super cute.) Now I'm going to attempt to be productive and respond to what feels like a million emails while I ice my knee.

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

I do not have a single day off for the next 12 days. If I'm not with the ninjakiddo or waiting tables, I'm with a doula client or running a 5k, many days working multiple jobs in the same day. But I'm trying to just be thankful for a job at all. Our bank account went negative yesterday thanks to a combination of me totally spacing on depositing the cash I have and that our water bill is autopay. So now we have even less money than I thought we did. I'm just getting really bogged down. 

I pulled my IT band this weekend and forced myself to run this morning, thinking that 2 days of rest would be plenty since I didn't notice it much yesterday. It was an awful run. I just had no endurance at all and therefore my overall pace and distance were terrible. I'm registered to run a 5k this Saturday and it means a whole lot to me. It's called A Race to Remember and benefits the organization Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep. I'm running in honor of my friend's daughter, Kaydence Evelyn, who died far too soon after a few weeks in the hospital fighting for her little life. I had wanted to improve on my time from the 5k I ran last month but I don't see that happening. As long as I finish without dying I'll be somewhat satisfied. Running is about the only time when my brain isn't stressing about money so it gets turned to much more often when I'm freaking out. Besides, I've gained some of the weight back that I lost earlier in the year so it's time to get back on top of that.

I will keep telling myself things could be so much worse. I am thankful for my amazing husband, the opportunity to earn an income, my family, great friends, and my relatively good health. Now for work and hopefully getting our bank account out of the negative.

Monday, July 16, 2012

I would like to start off with a random string of cuss words but I'll contain myself. I'm glad I chose to take a month off from the Clomid because I can't imagine how much more of a wreck I'd be right now. I stayed in a terrible mood for my entire birthday. Some little heathen at the splash park squirted me with some huge water gun right as we were leaving, soaking my dress and my purse, and I barely choked back tears. Matt was great though, cleaning the house, cooking me dinner, providing me with sweets to drown my sorrows in.

Our first RE visit went really well. He was incredibly friendly and seemed really optimistic that we would eventually be able to get pregnant. He wants to do two IUIs with just Clomid (and back down to 50mg from the 150mg my OB had me on the last few months) before we think about moving onto any injectible IUIs. He laid out all the prices for us and then did a u/s just to make sure I didn't have any cysts after that huge chunk of Clomid. I was just a few days away from ovulation and had one 17mm follicle on my left side. It was neat to see my body working even without the drugs. He also said that for where I was in my cycle, my uterine lining looked "superb". Now we just wait to have money.

Hubby has been working at his job for over a week but is barely getting part time hours. It's going to help but it's only about half of what he was making before. I have started having dreams of people coming to kick us out of our house full of vivid images of friends helping carry all our things down our so-steep-it's-unusable driveway. I woke up this morning to immediate thoughts of money, or the lack there-of which means it's not quite 10am and I've already been stressing about money for almost 3 hours. I've already laid out the probable amount of money I will make in the next two weeks and compared to the amount of money that needs to go out just for us to have things like a place to live and electricity, we're coming up mighty short. I picked up a shift this morning waiting tables, which meant moving up a doula client prenatal a few hours, and I'll only have a short break between that and the ICAN (international cesarean awareness network) meeting that I always try and attend each month. I made more money than usual yesterday waiting tables but only because I had about a third of the sales for the whole store that morning since 3 people called in. I will hopefully be able to get them to put me on the next schedule for more than just Sunday and I think I'll get an extra $40 from watching the ninjakiddo this weekend so his parents can have a date night. The two doula clients I'm meeting with this week still owe me money but I have a flexible pay schedule that allows them to make payments at their convenience as long as I'm paid in full by 38 weeks so it's not necessarily money I can count on. I'm sure we've tapped out all our family resources over the last two months as well. And I don't know if I mentioned it, but we're also down to only one vehicle. That means that in order for Matt to get home from work the past two days, he's had to pay for a cab. No bueno. 

So with the mounting bills and dwindling incomes, there will not likely be an IUI anywhere in our near future. The plan is to keep hoping. Hoping for a change in many situations. Hoping for miracles. Hoping that things just get better. I am not the nicest of people when I'm stressed and I know Matt gets the brunt of many of my anxious internal conversations. If I could manage to pay for my NCLEX, I have no doubt I could find a nursing job within weeks and our entire lives would start to change. Right now though, that seems like such an impossibility and it's hard to not feel stuck.

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

It's my birthday and I will cry if I want to. Something about realizing that I'm coming up on 4 years  since I found out I was pregnant just has me down today. I was at a birth yesterday (which was really fast) for a couple who had been through 2 previous losses and it was great to get to be a part of their dreams being realized but made mine seem so much farther away.

I work later and I'm hoping the ninjakiddo won't be too hard on me. I'm just feeling vulnerable today and I know a lot of it has to do with this upcoming appointment with the RE.

Friday, July 6, 2012

Thankfully my husband got a new job. Tonight was his 3rd night and he seems to be enjoying it. He is working at a group home of sorts that accepts only teenage boys who have had some sort of drug addiction issue. It's just one of the things he's good at doing. It means we will see a paycheck next Friday and a full one on the Friday after that. Money woes are so close to being behind us. And then I can pay for the NCLEX and at least have the opportunity to get a nursing job and bring in some extra money. I am registered for four classes at NWACC this fall and I've applied to two different RN to BSN programs too, just gotta actually pass the NCLEX before they let me in. Either way, education continues.

I've somehow managed to get a sinus infection in the middle of a heat wave (temps around 100) and I'm kind of miserable. Sore throat, only breathing out of one nostril, it all sucks. I'm also getting more and more nervous about our appointment on Thursday. I know that by the time we make the almost 3 hour drive, I will have had enough time to really get myself worked up. I'm curious to see how high my BP will be by the time I get in there. Our appointment is at 2pm and I'm hoping to catch dinner with a friend afterwards (or at least at the restaurant she works at) so we will likely be home late that evening and I will try and update then. I still had a lot of pain during AF this month but I feel like it was lighter and less clumpy than it's been in a very, very long time.

Once Matt gets his first paycheck, we can redo our budget form and make the call to set up the necessary home visit before we get the go ahead for PRIDE classes. Everything is happening all at once.

Thursday, June 28, 2012

****edited to add that since writing this morning I've had some good cries and time to sort through my feelings a bit more and we made an appointment with the closest RE (3 hours away) for the 12th of July. It will only cost me a copay & we can at least get a different opinion.***** This feels like giving up. And maybe it is. Maybe it will just be a break. I'm not sure at this point.

I woke up to AF just as expected. After a vivid dream where I remember breastfeeding a probably 6 month old little girl, looking down at her sweet face as she popped off and smiled up at me. I hate that my dreams always seem so real and that I remember ever little detail most mornings when I wake up. Like her round little cheeks, her soft strawberry blonde hair, how sweet it was to see milk dribbling out the side of her mouth. I remember ever bit of it and it makes me feel like I lost something in the night.

I want to feel in control of my emotions again. I will not be taking Clomid again this month, partly because even adding an extra $40 to my list of things to pay for right now seems like too much, partly because I'm just sick of the way it makes me feel. I am so tired of this consuming my life from all angles. But yeah, I feel like I'm just quitting. It's been 4 years since I managed to get pregnant and I've just stopped feeling like it's going to happen at all. I've cried for the bio children we'll likely never have, for possibly losing out on a chance to ever experience breastfeeding (which seems way worse for some reason.)  I sit here now and I just cry, trying to get it all out before I'm forced to interact with people, though I'm sure it will happen throughout the day. I just feel like I'm barely hanging on today.

I work doubles today and tomorrow. I work Saturday and Sunday mornings. And then Sunday afternoon, one of my best friends and her toddler will be driving 3 hours to stay for two nights so that we can catch up. It's been months since we've seen each other and much longer since I've seen her kiddo or had the chance to really talk to each other for any length of time. I'm looking forward to it but I also worry that I'm just one big downer. And she doesn't have any experience with infertility at all so she tends to say things that aren't so helpful, just kind of minimizes the problem, which I'm hoping I can endure and get over. Hopefully I can just get my mind off of life for a few days and not talk too much about it (hah!)

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Still crazy busy working a couple part time jobs to get our bills paid. Matt hasn't heard back about any of his interviews even though one place already had a client lined up for him by the time he left and assured him he would start within the week. He's called them back but nada.

And I'm dumb and tested this morning. BFN of freaking course. I told Matt that next time I come home from the dollar store, just take my bag when I walk in the door and confiscate the tests. I just bum myself out. AF should show tomorrow or Friday. I just let myself get my hopes up since my boobs were on fire yesterday. I joked with Matt (via text) that I wanted to take my shirt off and stick my boobs in the fish tank at the library. They haven't been so much tender as just achey. I'm sure it's just the clomid.

Friday, June 22, 2012

I'm watching the ninjakiddo until his parents return on Sunday night but once he went to bed last night, Matt and I re-filled out all our foster-adopt paperwork!!!!!!!!!! All we have left is to get fingerprinted,  get the necessary papers notarized, and fill out the dreaded budget. We have to wait on the budget part until Matt gets some specifics nailed out with his job (and I decide whether to apply for a soul sucking nursing job) but I told him that for my birthday (a few short weeks from now) I want to be making a call to our placement worker to let her know we are ready for her to come out to our house, pick up our paperwork, and sign us up for the PRIDE classes! It's all so exciting and feels more and more real. I think I've said it before but I really feel like our kid is already out there, waiting on us to get our crap together. I wish there was a way to tell them, we're doing it, we're getting ready for you, and we can't wait to meet you!

Go down to the other post for ICLW tidbits!

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

ICLW starts tomorrow so I'll give you a quick intro about me and then go on to what up in life right now. To read more about ICLW, click on the "Join the Conversation" button on my side bar. I'm Rochelle, almost 25, he's Matt, just turned 26. You can read all the nitty gritty details of our relationship and infertility journey here. In April, I had a laproscopy that discovered stage 2 endometriosis. After almost 5 years of being stuck in the "unexplained" category, I spent most of that first month just thankful we had some sort of diagnosis but for some reason, now 2 months later, I am finally starting to process all of my feelings about this all feeling like my fault. I'm about 4dpo in our second cycle of Clomid at 150mg and, as of this moment, I am supposed to do one more round next month before my dr wants me to start on Lupron (which I don't want to do/don't think I will do.) Tomorrow, we get all our new paperwork to start the foster adopt process. We have most of it filled out already but since we moved to a different county, we have quite a few pages that we will just have to re-copy onto different letterhead. I'm thinking we will start putting most of our energy into that path and I'm not sure what that means for any sort of medical management in our future.

Right now, our big issue is that Matt unexpectedly lost his pretty great job. It was no fault of his and they have given him nothing but glowing recommendations everywhere he has applied. He is actually at an interview right now (so cross all appendages and pray to whomever you prefer!) I have been working 4 part time jobs to make up for us only having one income and right now, it's making me feel pretty pressured to hurry and take my NCLEX and get some soul sucking nursing job just for the money. Considering that I have doula clients through October though, that would be pretty difficult. I did finally get to attend my first VBAC and it was spectacular! I keep hoping some of that birth juju will rub off on me. I have a feeling I will be at another birth within the week too, on top of watching the ninjakiddo until Sunday night while his parents go to the west coast for a wedding. If it weren't for the money I've got coming from that, we would most definitely not be able to pay our rent this month. Since I am working my ass off just to get the most basic of bills paid, I've barely began to think about the hospital and clinic bills in my purse. I did take the time to add them up and then added in what we've spent in the rest of our infertility journey. Right now, I still owe $47 to my doctor's office itself (after paying $292 at my last visit) and then I owe $6148 to the hospital for surgery and pre-op. Thankfully my insurance covered about half of it or these numbers would be significantly higher. Since I've met my deductible for the year and everything from this point on is 70/30, we've talked about whether we should just go for it, rack up a ton more debt in a short amount of time just because it will be cheaper now than next year. I just hate how much debt we have. It's not like either of us has ever been debt free at any point in our relationship but infertility definitely hasn't helped. We have to start paying on both our student loans next month too (hah, yeah right.) It's daunting to think about the budget part of our adoption paperwork right now, even though I know that Matt will find a job soon and it won't be anywhere near as stressful for our bank account to maintain a positive balance. I'm definitely kind of kicking myself for moving into this bigger house now!

Don't you want to join in the fun! Leave a comment and I promise to return the favor!

Friday, June 1, 2012

I ended up starting yesterday evening after a day full of cramps and backache. Didn't end up going to the prenatal I had scheduled. Ate a ridiculous amount of crap food. Finally had to take a pain pill just to get some sleep last night since the pain so quickly escalated.

I woke up around 6am today from the pain and have been super nauseous. I even threw up uncontrollably for about 15 minutes, which at least brought some relief from the nausea. I thought after last month with barely a cramp at all, that the lap had really brought me some relief but this is worse than it has been in a very long time. It seriously makes me want to just stop taking the Clomid all together. I keep reading things that say that Femera is really a better option with endo and I know my dr would prescribe it for me if I asked. I really just wish we had the money right now to see an reproductive endocrinologist but I can't see that happening any time soon.

Matt hasn't worked all week due to circumstances outside of his control and there is still no guarantee he will have work next week either at this point. I am not sure how we are going to make it through the month. We had to borrow money from my in-laws just to pay rent today. And so once again, I'm wondering if I'm just being selfish by not pursuing a higher paying nursing job even if I would be miserable for a while. We both cried last night as I confessed how I just don't know how much more of this I can take and how desperately I just want to shift the focus right now.

It makes me long for the days when no one knew why we weren't making a baby because processing the emotions that have come along with feeling like this is my "fault" has been one of the hardest parts of this journey and I wonder if it will ever end.

Thursday, May 31, 2012

Just having a hard couple of days. I've been trying to channel it into running but I'm just too sore today after fitting in about 10 miles in the last 3 days. I'm expecting to start today. Did the stupid thing I never do anymore and actually took a pregnancy test (12dpo) which I wouldn't have even had in the house had it not come with my opks. It was negative, as they have almost always been. I have been doing a little too much thinking about how it's been almost 4 full years since I have been pregnant. I'm just overly emotional right now, feeling vulnerable. Praying I snap out of it before this client has her baby. I have a pretty terrible headache, some cramps, and a lower backache so I'm sure I've only got a few hours left to feel stupid about hoping. I'm just feeling discouraged, cynical, burnt out. It's been one of those months where I have let it consume the majority of the time, especially now that I am attempting to change my diet to help with the endometriosis. And on the diet subject, I've been doing pretty good, only had maybe one or two little slip ups with stuff I didn't realize had gluten in it until it was too late, but today, I am going to go to Rick's bakery and have a big, cream filled donut and a chai latte and not care one bit. And then I am going to watch Hercules with my friend (and sing when possible) in the hopes that I can drown my sorrow in some disney (and the donut) and in a time in my life when having babies was the farthest thing from my mind. (Because sitting here on my couch with the saddest playlist ever and infertility forums is not going to be the cure-all.)

I have a prenatal tonight so it better do the trick. Days like this make me wonder if I should abandon my passions and find a career that wouldn't be such an emotional challenge all the time.

Monday, May 28, 2012

Being on call isn't all that fun. We had to turn down a trip to swim and have fun at a creek in Missouri since the reception is less than ideal and I just wasn't comfortable being another 45 minutes away. I know I will get used to it, but right now it still feels so fresh since it's been a few months. Just remembering the small stuff, like having all my doula stuff in my car or at least within a quick reach at home, having gas in my car, extra clothes, never letting my phone die. But I really do love being a doula and I have a really good feeling that this next birth will be pretty amazing for both me and the mom. Her doctor is my doctor so I don't have to worry about establishing a good report and he has such a good reputation for VBACs.

It does feel kind of bizarre to be looking forward to someone else's birth while I'm sitting here at 9dpo, waiting, waiting, waiting. I am also dealing with my first yeast infection EVER. I know I jinxed myself when at my last dr. appt, I commented on how I have never had one and hadn't had a UTI since high school. Don't ever google yeast infection and ttc because it may get your hopes up since it seems like a good number of women tend to get them right before they get to see two lines. I doubt that is the case with me. I don't have reason to doubt, I just can't open myself up to it being a possibility. My cat did have 4 kittens and chose to do so in my bedroom though. Can I just take that as a sign that more birth will happen in this house soon? Or maybe we're just terrible pet owners who forgot to get her spayed.

Matt and I have enjoyed some time to ourselves lately with movie marathons and reading aloud to each other before bed. We haven't made it very far into the book we are reading but that quiet time at the end of each day is something I have started to look forward to.

I promise to stop falling off the face of the blogosphere now that summer is here!

Friday, May 25, 2012

Has a new website!!! Come on over and check it out. I'd love some suggestions on how to improve it!

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Thanks to the few ladies who have checked on me in my blogging absence! It has just been a bit crazy and I'm not even sure where to begin.

When I left off, I had just had my follow up appointment and was facing finals week. I made it through finals (and just barely in one class), got my first ever "C", and managed to hold myself together at pinning for the most part. My Nana had recently had a knee replacement and had only been out of rehab for a few weeks so it was touch and go on whether she would be able to make it up the
stairs and across the stage. Luckily, my instructors were very accommodating & she sat up on the stage, off to the side so that she would already be on the stage when I walked up there. I could tell it was hurting her but I am so thankful that she pushed through it. I also received a service award for my participation as vice president in our local student nurses association. I don't think I enjoyed it as much as I could have because I was anxious to leave during the entire thing just so that I could get home and finish getting ready for the vow ceremony/reception/5 year anniversary shindig but it was a great experience! I will miss all the wonderful people who have seen me more these past 2 years than most of my family has.

About that shindig, it turned out perfectly! It was well worth the wait and only happened thanks to some incredibly hard work done by some of my amazing friends and their family. Lisa Mac and her sister Annalee were both so amazing and put so much energy (and money) into making sure that this was a big success. I spent all day Thursday and most of Friday cooking and getting some last minute decoration prep done. We had worried about rain but somehow, and I still don't know how!, we managed to get lucky with some beautiful weather. For those who don't know, we got married 5 years ago in a drive-thru drug store in Lonoke, AR and so we never even said vows (see the picture where Matt is being handed something through a window!) We figured we've been through more than our fair share these past 5 years and with graduation falling so close to our anniversary, it seemed like the perfect time to share our love with our family and closest friends. We had a wonderful turnout, even with some last minute cancellations and the uncertain weather. Matt wrote a wonderful little intro for us and though I did write vows ahead of time, I lost them in all the commotion so I had to wing it (which was not fun!). I know I made some comments about him putting up with me "even when I have more hormones pumping through me than most jr. high cheer leading squads" haha but don't really remember too much of what else I said because I ended up getting so nervous!  His vows were so incredible, so pure, so beautiful. I was so happy to get (almost) all of the people in our lives who are the most important to us, all in one space. It was the first time my parents met both of his parents! It was the first time me and all 3 of my brothers had been in the same place since last May when the youngest one graduated from high school. Even my ninja-preschooler! and his family came. It was a pretty big deal. I couldn't have asked for a more spectacular day!

Not only did she help with the planning and execution of the party, but Lisa also took a ton of amazing pictures for us. You can see more of her incredible work here. We most certainly could not have afforded to have someone anywhere near her talent level taking pictures for us on such a special day, but lucky for us, we have known each other for over 15 years! She was actually my fourth grade teacher and I know I've talked about her here before, but seriously our relationship is one that I treasure and can't imagine my life without. We've only seen a portion of them so far, but I wanted to share a couple of my favorites with you.

Almost all of our favorite people in the whole world!
Right after my portion of vows
And you can tell from my expression in these two just how I felt as he read his beautiful vows

Me, my three brothers, and Lisa Mac

And sealed with a kiss, of course.

Matt was lucky enough to be able to get off work this past Thursday, which was our actual anniversary, and we went for an 8 mile canoe trip which wiped me out! Within 2 minutes of getting in, we had already flipped it and I have the souvenir bruise to prove it. It was a lot of fun, once Matt got the hang of things (since this was his first time in a canoe) and we figured out how to work as a team. We stopped a couple times, due to the low water level, to get a snack, or because we panicked about some snakes and ended up beached between two! It was a great day together and I will say that the highlight was, on one stretch of the river, Matt and I both sang "Colors of the Wind"! I sang probably too loud and really got into it, forgetting to keep paddling at all. It was so much fun and I can't wait to go back later this summer after my huge run of births! 
Here is the silly picture we took during our picnic lunch break. You can tell we were having fun!

And last, but not least, especially in this strange life we lead right now, about my dysfunctional lady-bits. The huge dose of Clomid made me feel like I was walking around with baseball tucked inside my pelvic cavity. We have been like newlyweds lately so all our bases are definitely covered. I am likely 4dpo right now so about 10 days until the witch is expected, possibly sooner. After this long, it's hard to find optimism but there is some that seeps through in fleeting moments of hope. I start being on call in two days and won't be off until after my last July client gives birth. It's exciting but at the same time nerve-wracking, wondering if a birth will happen on a day when I'm so hormonal that I can barely hold myself together. I always manage to surprise myself and put all my emotions on the backburner, so hopefully I will have continued success with repressing my feelings. And even better, maybe some birth-y juices will be all that my body needs to get the hint! 

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