These past few weeks have been awesome. I attended an amazing (and insanely long) birth that you'll be able to read all about at my doula blog pretty soon. I ordered some awesome business cards that I can't wait to show off. I had some amazing clinical days at an elementary school and a developmental school. Those incredibly precious kids and some great deals on Craigslist have me so much more excited about our foster-adoption journey.
Our spare bedroom is undergoing a radical change. The queen guest bed is gone (well propped up against the wall in our room until someone comes to buy it - hopefully today) and there is a white convertible crib/toddler/full bed in its place. I got a super cute safari bedding set that came with a super plush 5x7 rug, all from Pottery Barn for about a fourth of what it originally cost. It has a pink sheet right now which makes it look acceptable for a girl, but all it would take was a blue sheet in its place to change for a boy.
I still have to find a place for my filing cabinet and all the clothes I have in the closet, touch up the pain on the door frame where my puppies cut teeth, put up these adorable book shelves, and find Matt a comfy chair for him to have story time in. But there is that forward momentum again.
The night that I got the bedding set, I just couldn't help myself. I was exhausted after clinicals but just felt like I had to put it all up so I stayed up way past my bed time putting together the crib and washing all the bedding. I think it looks so inviting and I am just filled with such faith that we are finally going to become parents this next year. The simple act of opening the door to that room makes my heart swell and motivates me to stay on top of this process. Right now, the plan is still to turn in our paperwork in November, attend classes in December, give them about 3 months to get our homestudy approved, and then we'll be open for placement just a few months before I graduate. I haven't felt this way in a very long time. And I can see the hope in Matt as well.
I've started reading books about parenting adopted children, attaching in adoption, and educating myself about all the resources and support in our area. I am trying to be as prepared as anyone can possibly be for parenting. I know our children will face unique challenges simply because they're adopted. No matter if they come to us as infants, toddlers, or small children, by the time they get to my home, they've already suffered a loss so large that no amount of love and attachment could ever possibly erase it. Matt says I'm being negative to think about it in such terms but I've seen it first hand with the children I've advocated for through CASA. I think I have every right to ache for our future kids' heartbreak and be sad that our family will be built on the basis of others' loss. I just feel like our child is out there right now, just waiting for us to get our crap together and it's filling me with emotional extremes.
Extreme joy. Extreme sadness. Story of my life.