I felt today sneaking up on me like a slow motion cresting wave of emotions just waiting to crash me into the rocky shore. It's always interesting to me the way time feels. All at the same time things can feel so recent and raw but so far away. Three years have passed since I was irreversibly changed by loss. Matt and I spent a little bit of time talking the other night about how it has changed us. He is still so much more determined than I am to have biological children. It seems to me like some unattainable ideal. Of course that's what we want but after over four years, it seems more likely we'll win the lottery (and we don't even play.)
Today brings back all that fear that made itself one with the pain. Irrational fear of Matt leaving me for someone who could provide him with children who look like him. (Rational?) fear of actually getting pregnant again only to lose that baby too.
This day brings not only the grieving of the baby we'll never get the chance to parent, but the loss of naivety that I'll never be able to get back. No pregnancy will ever be as enjoyable and carefree. If I could go back in time, I wouldn't even attempt to rewrite history as this loss continues to play a big part in where we are today. Instead, I would go back to the 18th and I would enjoy that day to it's fullest. I wouldn't have worried about money or work. I would have laid in bed an extra couple of minutes with Matt. I wouldn't have taken a single breath that day for granted.
And I get to spend the evening catering to the complaints and medical needs of postpartum women so today I will further teach myself to leave my problems out of my nursing care, or at least I hope I will. (Though on second thought, postpartum women might be more sympathetic to random crying bouts than most.)