Friday, September 9, 2011

I should be finishing packing but I just have far too much on my mind. I have lecture from nine to noon today and then we carpool to Children's Hospital. We only have orientation tonight and then start the clinical portion in the morning. I'm suddenly terrified I won't be able to handle the weight and intensity of very sick little people. I'm worried that this cough and runny nose I have will take away from my experience since I'd rather not be placed somewhere where I could worsen a kid's illness. I am just feeling fragile.

I felt like an idiot for taking a pg test yesterday. I knew in my heart that only one line would stare back at me but I did it anyway. And of course, the evil witch came just a few hours later. I know there are so many other options than Clomid and that most of the people who are this far into their infertility journey would be going with the bigger guns now, but I just don't feel like I could do it, even if things like that were a financial possibility. I think that feeling like this is really the end of the road for our biological journey towards parenthood is really weighing heavily on my shoulders. Admitting, yet again, to myself that I may never again carry life inside me and remembering this time three years ago and the joy that filled my heart.

So we push forward with adoption. We keep looking for a new, bigger home and I'm hoping that everything will fall into place quickly after that. We're ready to put our energy (and money) into something we know will eventually bring children into our home and our hearts.

So send me strength in the coming days as I care for sick children and their families then return home to care for newborn's in the hospital (and not put any of them in my backpack when I leave...j/k, kinda.)


Candice said...

Life is so hard sometimes but you sound stronger than I think I've ever heard of you so far! You will be okay and you will have a family, I know that in my heart but most importantly, I think you know that too! It doesn't matter how your children come to you, they will be yours :)

Lisa McSpadden said...

Amen to what Candice said!! Love you, sweet girl!

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