Monday, September 19, 2011

I felt today sneaking up on me like a slow motion cresting wave of emotions just waiting to crash me into the rocky shore. It's always interesting to me the way time feels. All at the same time things can feel so recent and raw but so far away. Three years have passed since I was irreversibly changed by loss. Matt and I spent a little bit of time talking the other night about how it has changed us. He is still so much more determined than I am to have biological children. It seems to me like some unattainable ideal. Of course that's what we want but after over four years, it seems more likely we'll win the lottery (and we don't even play.)

Today brings back all that fear that made itself one with the pain. Irrational fear of Matt leaving me for someone who could provide him with children who look like him. (Rational?) fear of actually getting pregnant again only to lose that baby too.

This day brings not only the grieving of the baby we'll never get the chance to parent, but the loss of naivety that I'll never be able to get back. No pregnancy will ever be as enjoyable and carefree. If I could go back in time, I wouldn't even attempt to rewrite history as this loss continues to play a big part in where we are today. Instead, I would go back to the 18th and I would enjoy that day to it's fullest. I wouldn't have worried about money or work. I would have laid in bed an extra couple of minutes with Matt. I wouldn't have taken a single breath that day for granted.

And I get to spend the evening catering to the complaints and medical needs of postpartum women so today I will further teach myself to leave my problems out of my nursing care, or at least I hope I will. (Though on second thought, postpartum women might be more sympathetic to random crying bouts than most.)

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

It has been a whirlwind couple of days. Arkansas Children's Hospital is such an amazing place and all of the nurses I worked with were incredible. I can't go into specifics (HIPPA and all) but I got to take care of sick kids and babies and really felt like I was in my groove. I tried to keep myself sheltered from the children that are pretty much living there abandoned but just hearing my classmates speak about it really took it's toll on me. It just breaks my heart that there are kids there whose parents either can't or won't take care of them because of their illness so they just stay in the hospital until a medically appropriate home can be found for them. It was all I could do to hold myself together long enough to get back to the hotel room but once I called and talked to the hubz, the flood gates broke open. It was an absolutely overwhelming experience but I'm so glad I got that opportunity.

I got back late Sunday night, printed out some homework, and immediately went to bed. I had to be at the hospital up here at 6:45 yesterday morning (as well as today) to spend some time in the newborn nursery. I really didn't expect it to be that difficult. I'm so used to holding little babies at this point and was looking forward to it. But then that stupid infertility crept in. I held so many sweet little newborns and choked back tears on multiple occasions as I realized how unlikely it is that I'll ever stare at a little face like theirs and try to figure out who they look more like. I'd stare at their little noses and my heart would just drop as I thought about never arguing if it was my nose or the hubz. It has taken a lot out of me and I wish that my day off from lecture tomorrow really meant a day off. I was forced to watch a circumcision as well which is way outside my comfort zone and it definitely solidified my views on the subject. Next week I'm in the postpartum section so I'm hoping I am a little less challenged there as far as my beliefs go and can get some good education time in.

I have to get some studying done tonight as well as watch a movie about Florence Nightingale and make a discussion board post about it. Tomorrow is catching up with a friend, speaking at the Student Nurses meeting at noon, more studying, and then some nanny time. And Thursday is a burn workshop which I am really not looking forward to and more studying. Friday is test day and then hopefully a little bit of relaxation Saturday.

Still looking for a new home but feeling closer every day.

Friday, September 9, 2011

I should be finishing packing but I just have far too much on my mind. I have lecture from nine to noon today and then we carpool to Children's Hospital. We only have orientation tonight and then start the clinical portion in the morning. I'm suddenly terrified I won't be able to handle the weight and intensity of very sick little people. I'm worried that this cough and runny nose I have will take away from my experience since I'd rather not be placed somewhere where I could worsen a kid's illness. I am just feeling fragile.

I felt like an idiot for taking a pg test yesterday. I knew in my heart that only one line would stare back at me but I did it anyway. And of course, the evil witch came just a few hours later. I know there are so many other options than Clomid and that most of the people who are this far into their infertility journey would be going with the bigger guns now, but I just don't feel like I could do it, even if things like that were a financial possibility. I think that feeling like this is really the end of the road for our biological journey towards parenthood is really weighing heavily on my shoulders. Admitting, yet again, to myself that I may never again carry life inside me and remembering this time three years ago and the joy that filled my heart.

So we push forward with adoption. We keep looking for a new, bigger home and I'm hoping that everything will fall into place quickly after that. We're ready to put our energy (and money) into something we know will eventually bring children into our home and our hearts.

So send me strength in the coming days as I care for sick children and their families then return home to care for newborn's in the hospital (and not put any of them in my backpack when I leave...j/k, kinda.)

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

So we've been in class for two weeks and I've taken two tests. We've covered over 40 chapters in that short amount of time. Add in that I've been watching the ninja (preschooler!) every single day, as well as for 48 hours straight this past weekend, as well as my Sunday shift waiting tables, and it's been pretty crazy. We are cramming in even more this week and then we go to Arkansas Children's Hospital this weekend for clinicals which I'm sure will be intense.

And due to possible poor timing, I'll be surrounded by very, very sick children while I'm menstruating or newly pregnant (hah, yeah right.) This month, I swear the Clomid has just made me way more crazy than the previous cycles. I wrecked my nanny-boss'es 60,000 Lexus and thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown. I sat on the couch crying and yelled at Matt "Why do you let me take these drugs?!" which gave us a laugh later on.

I swear to post more substantive posts about pregnancy and birth very soon, when I'm not having fear mongering lectures about it shoved down my throat. Thanks for continuing to care about my ramblings.

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