Anyone who has ever spent any substantive time with me knows what I'm passionate about. They could tell you how excited I get when I get to talk about pregnancy, birth, and babies. I've done my fair share of dabbling as a doula, mostly for friends or people who have gotten my name from friends and I've always said that I would get certified eventually but due to money and the location of the workshops, it's always seemed impossible. There is a workshop the last weekend in July in Springfield, Missouri which is fairly close to here and I've already got a few births lined up this fall for certification purposes, but now there is yet another financial roadblock. I have managed to save up $150 which is only half of what I need to have by the end of this month to pay for the $300 workshop. I feel like the pressure is really on to find a way to come up with this money without really taking away from our family money. I've been putting away my Saturday night nanny money and little bits of my money from waiting tables on Sundays but it just hasn't been enough. And now that I have women depending on me, it makes it feel even more important. I guess if I collect the fee from the one secured client I have this fall, then I'm only $105 away.
I met a woman Friday whose due date was yesterday and after thinking about it for weeks, finally told her that I would be her doula, entirely for free, entirely last minute, with no benefit towards my certification. It's just something my heart longs to do. It's been almost 3 years since I've really been a part of someone's birthing experience. Part of me is terrified, wondering if my scars are well healed enough to handle it, but for the most part, I'm just excited. There will be tears, but that's nothing new and I wonder if there will ever be a day where I'm not just amazed and moved by the miraculous nature of birth. I'll be on call all this week and if he's still not made his arrival by next Monday, she will be induced despite trying to avoid it. I'm excited to get to make an impact during this very intimate, life changing event in their lives.
Anyway, the main conflict I'm feeling is that I'm hopefully going to have this "extra" $300 that could go towards so many things, most especially getting ourselves properly medicated for our crazies and hopefully getting one step closer to regaining the amazing happiness we once had in our lives, in our marriage. Not to mention all the lovely other debts we have that it could pay towards. It makes me feel selfish and financially irresponsible.
So what do I do, spend $300 on something I know will make me happier or spend this money getting medication that may or may not "fix" me?