Thursday, June 30, 2011

In case anyone has actually been following as my blog shifts to less and less baby-making talk (thanks Candice and Shandi!), I did decide to go for the workshop. The big issue is still money, even more an issue now since I found out the workshop is $400 instead of $300. I already paid the $50 deposit and the rest is due on the first day of the workshop, which is July 14th. I am doing random babysitting for a little bit of extra cash to go towards my workshop fund in addition to an extra shift at Dixie this week which will go into that fund. I've pretty much set pride aside in asking for people to make a small investment in my future career and think about all the women that small amount of money will help.

Monday, I went to my first birth since before my miscarriage in September of 2008. Part of me was so very ready for it, to jump back in and be that support again but there was some definite self-doubt and fear too. I was so worried that maybe I'd get in there and all those scars would bust right back open and suddenly I wouldn't be much use to anyone, but I totally underestimated myself. It was quite different from the births I've been to in the past just because it was induction and that adds a whole new list of fights. My client and her husband both were amazing and she responded really well to the pitocin. She did end up getting a very light epidural (she could still move her legs) and a 4th degree tear but that baby is absolutely perfect and she is happy with her birth experience (which is really all you can ask for at the end of the day.) I am still feeling the exhilarating high from it days later. It was such a great reminder why I am putting up with all the stress and belief compromising of nursing school. It also made me second guess my nurse-midwife plans and re-open my homebirth midwife options.

In addition to the exciting events of getting to be a part of someone's birth again, I also had an amazing opportunity dropped into my lap. I was attending a prenatal with another doula client of mine who is due this fall and switched to a homebirth with a midwife I absolutely adore and we got to talking about how I need some more clients for certification births and how I'd love to have them be homebirths instead of hospital births. She had another midwife that was working with her who unexpectedly quit so she's got a very full load, especially in November and December and was looking for someone to help her out, to be that familiar face to her clients who may end up with her back-up midwife whom they might not have an established relationship with. It also means a chance to flex my skills a bit, possibly checking fetal heart tones and passing her instruments while maintaining her sterile field. I could not have asked for a more incredible opportunity and I am super hopeful that this is going to open way more doors than I could imagine.

Things are good on the marriage front right now too. We're still not back to 100% by any means but we're well on our way. I'm not sure what exactly we should be doing differently, though I just know we're on the right path. No matter what happens in the end, I know we'll both be thankful for this time together making sure that we don't ever have to hope just our love will be enough. We weren't careful this month, not like I have been the past month or so, and unlike I felt last month, I'm just fine with that. I am just feeling so much more confident that we are going to make this a relationship that works for both of us and will do anything to make sure each is as satisfied as absolutely possible.

Thanks again for all the amazing support I've received these past few difficult months. The women in this community never cease to amaze me.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Yesterday, I napped in my hammock in a lovely park in Bentonville. I am still on-call so my sleep has been a bit light lately but as soon as I got in that hammock, I was out. Luckily, I was smart enough give myself 30 minutes to get 10 minutes to work and I needed that extra time to wake up. I think tonight we're going to go to a local drive thru safari with  a petting zoo which I'm sure the ninja.toddler will absolutely enjoy.

I have Matt's support to pull out the extra bit of money I need for my workshop which is a nice relief. I feel like every day he and I are just a little bit more sound. It helps that I'm realized how much I really do just try and sabotage myself all the time (and really putting in a lot of effort to stop.) We went on a nice walk around a nearby lake the other night and it was like a small glimpse into the life I really want for us, and how tangible it is with just a little work. I wake up every day, that much more thankful that neither of us gave up.

Also, what do you think of the new layout? Simple but still enough of me in it.

Monday, June 20, 2011

Anyone who has ever spent any substantive time with me knows what I'm passionate about. They could tell you how excited I get when I get to talk about pregnancy, birth, and babies. I've done my fair share of dabbling as a doula, mostly for friends or people who have gotten my name from friends and I've always said that I would get certified eventually but due to money and the location of the workshops, it's always seemed impossible. There is a workshop the last weekend in July in Springfield, Missouri which is fairly close to here and I've already got a few births lined up this fall for certification purposes, but now there is yet another financial roadblock. I have managed to save up $150 which is only half of what I need to have by the end of this month to pay for the $300 workshop. I feel like the pressure is really on to find a way to come up with this money without really taking away from our family money. I've been putting away my Saturday night nanny money and little bits of my money from waiting tables on Sundays but it just hasn't been enough. And now that I have women depending on me, it makes it feel even more important. I guess if I collect the fee from the one secured client I have this fall, then I'm only $105 away.

I met a woman Friday whose due date was yesterday and after thinking about it for weeks, finally told her that I would be her doula, entirely for free, entirely last minute, with no benefit towards my certification. It's just something my heart longs to do. It's been almost 3 years since I've really been a part of someone's birthing experience. Part of me is terrified, wondering if my scars are well healed enough to handle it, but for the most part, I'm just excited. There will be tears, but that's nothing new and I wonder if there will ever be a day where I'm not just amazed and moved by the miraculous nature of birth. I'll be on call all this week and if he's still not made his arrival by next Monday, she will be induced despite trying to avoid it. I'm excited to get to make an impact during this very intimate, life changing event in their lives.

Anyway, the main conflict I'm feeling is that I'm hopefully going to have this "extra" $300 that could go towards so many things, most especially getting ourselves properly medicated for our crazies and hopefully getting one step closer to regaining the amazing happiness we once had in our lives, in our marriage. Not to mention all the lovely other debts we have that it could pay towards. It makes me feel selfish and financially irresponsible.

So what do I do, spend $300 on something I know will make me happier or spend this money getting medication that may or may not "fix" me?

Thursday, June 9, 2011

I have excuses why I haven't been writing. I have excuses for why I'm so unhappy, why I'm so overweight, why I have no energy to put into changing things, and the list goes on and on. I am so very good at coming up with excuses lately. Sometimes they're just flat out lies I'm using to try and rationalize things to myself.

We're both still unmedicated, still far too broke at the moment to even begin to fathom being able to afford it anytime soon, and not leaning on each other any more than we had been prior to the ceiling caving in, maybe even less.

We obviously didn't go for that last round of clomid last month. To be honest, right now, I can't imagine adding a baby to this uncertainty and worried about it up until my period showed up yesterday. How did we get to this point and how do we find our way out? It's going to be a verge of tears kind of day.

And to make my mood even less acceptable, it's Matt's 25th birthday. I'll pull myself out somehow.

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