Sunday, May 15, 2011

I don't even really know where to begin. My mind has been in a huge funk and having the stress of finals on top of it just compounded everything. I took a hike last Saturday in an attempt to clear my mind but instead it just seemed to give me far too much time to let the negative seep in through all the cracks in my mind. It was beautiful though. 

The view from my hammock

It's been no secret that this past year has really taken it's toll on my marriage. It's been such a tough semester as we tried to adjust to how much less time we have together. We both struggle with multiple mental illnesses that have been unmedicated for some time now. It's been a real struggle to keep myself going some days and as selfish as I know this sounds, I just can't even begin to describe how impossible it can feel those days to provide any kind of emotional support to him whatsoever. We slowly take each other for granted more and more until we've drifted apart. I hate confrontation and felt so helpless that I had absolutely no solutions. I knew I was feeling manic. It means not knowing what I feel, it means being so unsure that what I'm feeling is real or just my crazy, chemically imbalanced brain. I get so restless, focus on all the unhappiness, and it all just builds up so quickly. It finally peaked Monday night after I had attempted to avoid Matt all day long after my final. We fought, we cried, he left the next morning for Bald Knob. For most of the day, I was sure it was over. I was sure that I'd be spending the summer attempting to piece my life back together. I spent my day trying to be around people who would encourage me to leave, talk crap about him, keep me intoxicated. I should also mention that Tuesday morning, right as he was leaving for Bald Knob and I was leaving to study for my last final, I started my period. I hate to say it, but I was actually relieved. I thought my marriage might be over and couldn't imagine the complications a baby would add to a divorce. I felt so hopeless. I managed to hold it together until I made it home that evening but then all was lost. I sat in the floor and cried. I cried like I haven't cried in a long time. I cried with every single muscle in my body. Most people know I am not religious. I have a hard time believing that our puny little human brains can even begin to comprehend the vast amazingness of the universe. I only say this as a preface to give you an idea of how in distress I was. I begged and begged God or the vast unknown or how ever you decide to interpret, to give me a sign, to lead me in the right direction. The second I caught my breath, Matt called. Suddenly, I was pouring out my heart, saying all the things I'd held inside for so very long, voicing all of my doubts. And he became every thing I needed him to be. He was stern with me and said all the right words. Nothing could have convinced me more that it was not time to give up. He laid out everything that needs to change and had a plan to achieve all of it. A big part of it is us both tackling our depression with medication as soon as possible. I cried as I finally admitted my fears and how much I hate the way I feel (or don't feel) while on meds. I also sobbed while I reminded him that it also means actively avoiding a pregnancy which I'm sure we should be doing anyway. It's just so hard to switch gears after wanting it for so very long.

Since we didn't make a gigantic mistake we've been that much more thankful for each other. It's like we're trying to out-nice one another. We've just got so much out there on the table and if only we can continue to make such an effort to make one another feel loved, things will continue to go swimmingly. It's also easier since the semester is over and I have a ton more free time.

Friday, I woke up at 5:45 with him and made him coffee & apple cinnamon muffins. I put together my doula client paperwork packages and packed for my overnight trip to see my littlest brother graduate from high school. I rode down with a dear friend and while she took her boys to their grandparents house, I got stuck at my mom's house. It became my job to attempt to hurry her into getting ready since she is constantly late to everything. It's a good thing our last name started with a T or I don't think she would have made it to any of the 4 graduations. Now that my last name starts with a B, we're already planning on giving her an earlier time for my nursing school graduation next year. It was just a night full of way more drama than I had ever planned. It was bizarre and made me feel like a child again stuck listening to my parents fight and feeling the need to take sides. I did get to spend some time with my bestest friend, even if that ended up seeming pretty insane as well as we watched her mom (whom I have never seen drink) get super trashed. I got to spend all day Saturday with my sweet Nana and finally got on the road around 7pm. After a long pit stop in Conway and what seemed like the longest drive ever, I finally made it home around 12:45am.

I'm sure I left about a million things out but I'm exhausted after a day of Dixie Cafe and am about to go cuddle up to the hubz on the couch. All is once again right with the world.

(And our 4 year anniversary is Tuesday! Be prepared to be super jealous of our week!)


jill said...

Happy anniversary :) I'm so glad you two were able to work it out for the time being. Sending you strength to continue in that direction!

Residency Widow said...

Happy Anniversary and I'm so glad that there is going to be an anniversary to celebrate. I think all marriages go through rough patches at times and I'm glad that you two are working on it. I hope that in the coming days and weeks you two will be able to remember the things you love about each other and perhaps come out with a stronger relationship from all of this. Take care of yourselves and good luck with the medication even though it means TTA for a while.

Carmela said...

Happy Anniversary!

I gave you an award on my blog. Happy Weekend!

Corinne said...

Rochelle, I am here from ICLW. I am sorry that you are going through all of this but happy to see that you and DH are willing to work though this. IF can be heartwrenching and emotions are all over the place. I think that sometimes one of the hardest things is voicing our emotions, putting it all out there, and really facing our fears. Wishing you the best of luck in this process.

Nikki said...

Here from ICLW -

One of the things you said really stuck out to me: multiple mental illnesses that are unmedicated. I'm not one to preach and I completely understand finances or not wanting to medicate. I, personally, have multiple mental illnesses and I understand how very difficult life can be to handle when they are untreated and you feel so lost or so out of balance. I honestly hope that you can work through everything - it seems like you have found some sense of stasis.

Just remember: times of great stress bring out the worst in a mental illness and make everything a million times harder than it already is. I cling to one thought - by Dilbert creator Scot Adams (it helps and makes me think).
"Everything in life starts out small and gets bigger except for problems. Those start out big and get smaller."

I'll be thinking about you!

Tippy said...

life can be hard on a marriage and to add in infertility, well, the odds just aren't stacking up for any of us. but its good that you were aboe to come have some sort of cathartic moment to reach back to eachother. my mom is bipolar and schitzo-effective, so i undestand the not wanting to be on meds because you don't feel like you. I'm glad all is well with the world for you. stopping by from ICLW (#8) and Happy Anniversary!


Sorry for the stress and adversity you're facing. But I'm glad you and your hubby could rally and be there for each other. Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. Visiting from IComLeavWe :)

bean dreams said...

Happy Anniversary! Visiting from ICLW and just discovering your blog. I'm sorry you've had such a bumpy road. It is wonderful that you have found comfort and the love you need in each other. Infertility puts a couple through so much, it is impossible to escape stress on your marriage. Hopefully, we all come out stronger on the other side. Have a great anniversary week and good luck with all that lies ahead!

Jes G said...

happy anniversary!! your pictures were so pretty...... i wanted to be there!
best of luck to you

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