Sunday, May 22, 2011

So, I'm a day late but finally getting around to another post. We had a very low key anniversary with some BBQ and a visit to a newly discovered used book store in the downtown area of our town (we spent more there than on food.) It was the first time I'd taken a nap in a very long time. I needed a day of doing very little, especially after the long hike I took Monday before work.

I went on a fairly long bike ride Wednesday morning and spent some quality time with friends until it was time to go take care of the ninja.toddler.

Friday night we left for central Arkansas to drop off our dogs at my mom's house and spent the night with one of Matt's friends. We left early the next morning for Nashville. We went with two of my friends and their husbands but they carpooled together. It left us with a lot of time to listen to new albums from favorite artists. We drove all the way to Nashville just to see Les Miserables and it was worth every mile. It was so nice to enjoy some time with my friends as well since we don't get to spend much time together. It was the first time that all our husbands were in the same place, really the first time that he had spent any sort of quality time with any of them. I'm sure he loved it when it was suggested that all the guys ride in one car and all the ladies in the other, but it really did go well. Matt and one of the husbands even got to really get into a lot of philosophy that I would hate to have to talk about. The drive back tonight was interesting just because we were racing some really bad weather and didn't quite make it which meant going 45mph on the freeway with very, very little visibility at all. I am very glad to have settled back in at home now.

My dad and Nana are visiting next weekend and my guest room is a disaster area right now so that will be what I tackle the next two mornings before nannying it up but I'm hoping to get out on the trail Wednesday. Right now, a tornado siren just went off so this post will be drawn to a close even though it's no where near us, just barely in this county.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

I don't even really know where to begin. My mind has been in a huge funk and having the stress of finals on top of it just compounded everything. I took a hike last Saturday in an attempt to clear my mind but instead it just seemed to give me far too much time to let the negative seep in through all the cracks in my mind. It was beautiful though. 

The view from my hammock

It's been no secret that this past year has really taken it's toll on my marriage. It's been such a tough semester as we tried to adjust to how much less time we have together. We both struggle with multiple mental illnesses that have been unmedicated for some time now. It's been a real struggle to keep myself going some days and as selfish as I know this sounds, I just can't even begin to describe how impossible it can feel those days to provide any kind of emotional support to him whatsoever. We slowly take each other for granted more and more until we've drifted apart. I hate confrontation and felt so helpless that I had absolutely no solutions. I knew I was feeling manic. It means not knowing what I feel, it means being so unsure that what I'm feeling is real or just my crazy, chemically imbalanced brain. I get so restless, focus on all the unhappiness, and it all just builds up so quickly. It finally peaked Monday night after I had attempted to avoid Matt all day long after my final. We fought, we cried, he left the next morning for Bald Knob. For most of the day, I was sure it was over. I was sure that I'd be spending the summer attempting to piece my life back together. I spent my day trying to be around people who would encourage me to leave, talk crap about him, keep me intoxicated. I should also mention that Tuesday morning, right as he was leaving for Bald Knob and I was leaving to study for my last final, I started my period. I hate to say it, but I was actually relieved. I thought my marriage might be over and couldn't imagine the complications a baby would add to a divorce. I felt so hopeless. I managed to hold it together until I made it home that evening but then all was lost. I sat in the floor and cried. I cried like I haven't cried in a long time. I cried with every single muscle in my body. Most people know I am not religious. I have a hard time believing that our puny little human brains can even begin to comprehend the vast amazingness of the universe. I only say this as a preface to give you an idea of how in distress I was. I begged and begged God or the vast unknown or how ever you decide to interpret, to give me a sign, to lead me in the right direction. The second I caught my breath, Matt called. Suddenly, I was pouring out my heart, saying all the things I'd held inside for so very long, voicing all of my doubts. And he became every thing I needed him to be. He was stern with me and said all the right words. Nothing could have convinced me more that it was not time to give up. He laid out everything that needs to change and had a plan to achieve all of it. A big part of it is us both tackling our depression with medication as soon as possible. I cried as I finally admitted my fears and how much I hate the way I feel (or don't feel) while on meds. I also sobbed while I reminded him that it also means actively avoiding a pregnancy which I'm sure we should be doing anyway. It's just so hard to switch gears after wanting it for so very long.

Since we didn't make a gigantic mistake we've been that much more thankful for each other. It's like we're trying to out-nice one another. We've just got so much out there on the table and if only we can continue to make such an effort to make one another feel loved, things will continue to go swimmingly. It's also easier since the semester is over and I have a ton more free time.

Friday, I woke up at 5:45 with him and made him coffee & apple cinnamon muffins. I put together my doula client paperwork packages and packed for my overnight trip to see my littlest brother graduate from high school. I rode down with a dear friend and while she took her boys to their grandparents house, I got stuck at my mom's house. It became my job to attempt to hurry her into getting ready since she is constantly late to everything. It's a good thing our last name started with a T or I don't think she would have made it to any of the 4 graduations. Now that my last name starts with a B, we're already planning on giving her an earlier time for my nursing school graduation next year. It was just a night full of way more drama than I had ever planned. It was bizarre and made me feel like a child again stuck listening to my parents fight and feeling the need to take sides. I did get to spend some time with my bestest friend, even if that ended up seeming pretty insane as well as we watched her mom (whom I have never seen drink) get super trashed. I got to spend all day Saturday with my sweet Nana and finally got on the road around 7pm. After a long pit stop in Conway and what seemed like the longest drive ever, I finally made it home around 12:45am.

I'm sure I left about a million things out but I'm exhausted after a day of Dixie Cafe and am about to go cuddle up to the hubz on the couch. All is once again right with the world.

(And our 4 year anniversary is Tuesday! Be prepared to be super jealous of our week!)
This is just a teaser post to the gigantic one I promise promise I will write later this evening.

I am officially half way done with nursing school. And I managed to maintain Bs in both classes which leads me one step closer to graduating but NOT having to take the GRE which makes me just about as giddy as the thought of actually graduating.

It's be a rollercoaster of a week and I can't wait to share every second with you. But for now, I must dress for a day of waiting tables at Dixie Cafe followed by my first real, official doula interview in almost 3 years. I have butterflies already but I'm super excited about it and feel so much more prepared for this than I was when I was younger.

Monday, May 2, 2011

Most people who know me out in the out of computer world know that I'm planning a lovely (late) reception/ graduation party in next May. It will be mine and Matt's 5 year wedding anniversary and a week after I graduate nursing school (unless of course I manage to get pregnant sometime during the next few months). So I've already started planning and browsing tons of different blogs and spending way too much time on etsy.

And for the point of the story, at some point during these hours and hours on etsy, I found this amazing piƱata! If I had $140 to blow every time I got my period, I would so totally buy this, but since I'm a poor nursing student, I think I've decided to just make my own. I know I did it as a kid, so how hard can it be. It just seems like it will be entirely worth it to fill it with all kinds of yummy chocolate and on the day my period shows up, I'll just take it out into the back yard, grab a big stick, and whack the ever lovin' crap out of that thing until it just bursts forth with chocolate. Then, I may or may not sit on the ground crying and eating chocolate but it will have been well worth the effort. Is that effective coping?

Last day of clinicals tonight! I can't believe I actually made it through the semester without letting her make me cry. Others in my group weren't so lucky. I am taking a break from studying to write this post and must immediately jump back into a gross, sputum filled world of respiratory diseases. Wish me luck!

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