Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Mental crisis may be the only time I ever post this often. No time for us to talk this morning, no desire to talk when I get home tonight after a long day of lecture followed by nannying, and no idea what a solution would even look like.
So we'll put it off for now. We'll kiss goodbye at night and in the mornings. We'll keep our words close to our chest. I'll continue to go over and over our most recent conversations. I'll dwell on every little thing we've said, pick it all apart, try to interpret what we actually meant. I'll feel hurt and dismissed all over again. And I'll be tired again all day tomorrow because I know as soon as I lie down tonight, I'll just lay there, stuck in this same cycle until I decide to just get back up. The only perk to all the sleep I've been missing out on lately is that I've been getting a lot of studying done.

And as if it even needs saying, we're not doing Clomid again this month. Who knows,  maybe we'll actually be avoiding pregnancy. And when I think about that, my heart and my head both sink into this pit of despair, my eyes well up with tears, and I just want to run, run, run.

I just bought myself a gift to boost my spirits and I already can't wait to get it in the mail and start wearing it. And now, I guess I'll go back to paying attention to lecture for the next hour before I go straight to work.


Shandi said...

I love you Rochelle.

Marissa said...

I'm so sorry. *hugs* IF is so hard, and when you add real life in to the mix, it sometimes seems impossible.

You and your husband are in my thoughts.

Lisa McSpadden said...

:( Love you!!!

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