Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Sometimes you get an email with an article in it that seems like it was written just for you. Tonight was one of those night and I needed it so very much. This article is titled An Intimate Look at Intimacy and focuses on intimacy and infertility in particular.

I am so very tired of this endless circle.

How my mind goes in circles. My relationship goes in circles.

Would we just fight about something else if we didn't have nursing school or infertility to wedge between us?

Things always seem so good until suddenly the floor drops out from beneath me. As you know, I've been super busy lately and that has meant that Matt has not been at the top of my priority list. We both have our fair share of mental health issues so it's easy for each of us to blame the other. I use his behavior to justify mine and he uses mine to justify his. A vicious circle. It leads to a head full of thoughts that just bring me down.

It sucks to go from such a high from convention to crying in a parking lot. Tonight we went to see David Sedaris do a reading/signing in Fayetteville. I bought the tickets yesterday as a peace offering of sorts. Other than being annoyed with a lack of parking and being late, the show itself was great. I love his writing and his voice is so soothing to me. But apparently I was worn out because as soon as I got into that nice cold, dark seat, I completely dozed off! All was well with the world for a brief period of time during that show. We took two separate cars there since Matt had to stay in town to work so he walked me to my car after the show to tell me goodnight. I don't even really remember how it started, but we ended up delving right into all our recent problems. 30 minutes of trying to provide rationals for each other, he says the words that always throw my heart into chaos, "we should just table trying to conceive right now." I don't have time for him so how would I have time for a baby. The problem with this is that it makes my brain jump to thoughts that I feel like so few could possibly understand. It makes me question everything. It makes me a sleepless, anxious, emotional, crying mess.

And right now, I'd give anything to run away. I get to this point every couple of months. So who knows, tomorrow may be just fine, but some how, I know we'll end up right back here eventually.


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