Monday, April 25, 2011

In honor of National Infertility Awareness week, I'm participating in the Bust a Myth Infertility Blog Challenge. Head on over to the RESOLVE website for some support or more information about infertility. They had some pre-made myths to tackle, but none of them really spoke to me so I've decided I'll tackle my own that I've come into contact with many, many times over these past few years. So the myth I'd like to break is "you got pregnant once, it'll happen again soon" or "at least you got pregnant."

Of course, since we were only 19 and 20 when we started trying to conceive, we heard a lot of the very common (and very untrue) "just relax and it will happen" or the equally common (and awful and untrue) "you're young so it will happen for you soon, when it's meant to be." After 14 long months (which seem like a flash at this point), we finally ended up pregnant. Needless to say, we were absolutely thrilled and shouted it from the roof tops immediately. That pregnancy ended at 12 weeks and I saw some of my darkest days during the six months that followed. That's also when I experienced this little phrase repeatedly. There I was at my most vulnerable and grief stricken and people were trying to bring me comfort by telling me it's ok that my baby was gone because at least I could get pregnant. It just felt like all my sadness was being so easily dismissed by others. Soon after, I heard a lot of "well you got pregnant once so surely it will happen again" and all the supposed fertility that one is supposed to have after a miscarriage but none of that rings true for us. Every single book I read said basically the same thing, like every miscarriage has this silver lining. Even my doctor when I went in for my first visit with him, spoke of my miscarriage like it was some great thing.

It's been almost 3 years since my womb carried life and not even a hint of a baby. We're still stuck with no idea why I'm not pregnant, no idea what really comes next when we finish this Clomid up next month but can't afford to move onto injectables. Just be mindful of your words, don't try and provide false comfort, and just let us be sad and pissed off about infertility from time to time. It's far more common than you think.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Of course ICLW this month falls during my busiest week this month yet again but I'm doing my best to keep up with commenting. For those of you who are new to my blog, please stick around as I feel like exciting things are definitely coming our way.

We've been married since May 2007 and although we were both very young, we started ttc right away thinking it would take a few months at most. We finally conceived after 14 months in the summer of 2008 only to lose that baby at 12 weeks that September. It was a very rocky 6 months after that where my husband and I were separated, you can read more about that here. Right now, our marriage still has it's bad days but it's so much stronger after every single one of them. I've got a little over a year left in nursing school and the hubz does home health but plans on finishing up his degree, changing it to something with film studies after I graduate. All our tests so far have come back normal and right now, no one can tell us why I'm not pregnant. I'm waiting to O right now on my second Clomid cycle. We'll try one more cycle again next month if this one doesn't work, and if it doesn't work either, then we get a transfer to a RE. I'd love for it to not come to that (duh, right) since it'd likely mean having to wait until I have a nursing job with better insurance and that the nearest RE is 3 and a half hours away from us. I plan on jumping right into a master's bridge program upon graduation next May on my way towards becoming a nurse midwife. I'm a super passionate home birth activist, intactivist, lactavist, crunchy to the core kinda lady and after providing free doula support since I was 19, I'm finally getting certified through DONA and hope to be able to work as a doula full time instead of getting a hospital nursing job. It really just depends on where we move to, how much money we need to survive, and if we've finally got a baby by then. We do know that we'll adopt out of foster care eventually and if we thought we'd actually get approved, we'd probably be doing it already.

I am feeling way more emotional and tearful this month than I did last month but other than that, I had absolutely no side effects at all. Started opks today but haven't been able to temp this month due to the respiratory infection I've been battling that has had me mouth breathing for the past week and a half.

On the nannying front, I am really hating this week. It's my boss' New York sister, not his California one, and her children are brats. She just seems really negative and reminds me of the witch I worked for in New York. Their presence makes David very easily excitable and crazy and watching all three of them really overwhelms me. I do really well with the older kids I deal with in CASA cases because I already have this established authority with them but these kids don't respect me at all so it's far more difficult for me to figure out  how to interact with them. Yesterday I was coaxed into spinning them around in the back yard and the 4th grader who is as tall as me wanted me to try with her which of course didn't work and I just knocked her feet across the ground a bunch. I explained that I was just too short and she said, "Yeah, you get shorter when you get older" and then while diverting her eyes to my stomach said, "and apparently you get a bigger belly too." I'll admit, I kind of wanted to trip her after that. I have to watch them again tomorrow night but then I'm free of them so I just keep telling myself I only have to make it a few more hours.

Now back to focusing on "The Grass is Always Greener" with Cary Grant and Deborah Kerr to relax me  before I go to bed. I always love stumbling upon new movies with Cary Grant that I haven't seen yet because there are quite a few of his, I've watched 5 or 6 times but would totally watch again. Even at his oldest, he makes me weak in the knees.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

It has already been such a very long day and it's no where near over. I got the lowest test score in my nursing school career today. Yeah, it was only an 80, but that's only 2 questions away from not passing! So really, I should have put more effort into listening to her babble on during the lecture today but my brain pretty much turned off the second I filled in the last bubble on my scantron (and I don't really learn from this specific instructor), so I've already resigned to just teaching it to myself. They are cramming all of our respiratory test into these next few days so it's going to be pretty disjointed anyway. I started typing this while I was still sitting in lecture and had actually put ear plugs in about 15 minutes into it because I just can't take my classmates questions and anecdotal stories, at least not today. She let everyone go for a bathroom break and I just quietly and quickly packed everything up and left. I wasn't supposed to get out until 4 which would have meant that I wouldn't see my hubby at all today. I left before he got home this morning and I won't be home from nannying until after he leaves for work tonight. Ducking out of class hasn't really done much for this though because he's still sleeping so I'm not really seeing him now anyway!

Normally I don't mind going to watch the ninja.toddler after tests because with him, things all just come so second nature that my brain doesn't have to do much work, but I'm really dreading tonight. This is the first time I've had any sort of lecture to sit through after the test so my brain feels particularly more fried than usual and I have two extra kids to watch tonight. My boss' sister from Los Angeles is in town with her two daughters and I guess they've made big plans that don't involve the kids. They are also planning on going out to dinner tonight and Friday so I'm there until 11pm! I am getting paid more for it but with all the things I have to get done this week, I really wish it were just me and David so we could just go to the park and he could play, I could string up my hammock, and all would be well in the world. Please oh please don't let them be spoiled, bratty little girls.

Hubz is getting switched back to days sooner than he thought so I think tonight may be the last night we have to sleep apart! I'm super excited about it and it will make everything go so much smoother on all fronts.

Monday, April 18, 2011

Well I did have a pretty good weekend, despite a very boring Saturday morning making up clinicals by following the house supervisor at a local hospital. There was pretty much no patient care at all and she mainly just serves as an overseer and liaison between all the different floors. I did get to massage a post c-section fundus in the recovery room just because I happened to be in there (it was pretty freaking neat!) I also got to have a very civil discussion about this hospitals new VBAC policy, which the nurse/house supervisor I was following had no idea about. It was disappointing to hear a nurse chime in and say that Dr. H (my doctor) said that he didn't think it was a good idea and that even though there's only a 1% chance of rupture, he wouldn't want any of his patients to be that 1 in 100. It was just kind of sad to realize that although the policy has technically changed, none of the attitudes have. I was definitely in the minority in the conversation but I got to stand up for a local woman whose article was in a magazine they were reading and it made me feel good about myself. I have a 20+ page packet of clinical paperwork and a big endocrine test this week, plus 3 more tests before the end of the semester so things aren't slowing down anytime in the next few weeks.
As always is the case, once Matt and I rolled things over in our heads and used email as our method of therapeutic communication, things are much better. I missed him so much while he was gone this weekend and I was so happy to have him home last night. He is also most likely getting switched back to days next week which makes me super happy! I miss him being here with me at night! I think a big part of our fight was just how bummed we both were that last cycle was a bust. We talked about it and decided to go ahead and do the Clomid again this month just so we can get through these three required months and have the possibility of pursuing something else over the summer if it doesn't work. I took my last dose of the month tonight and now I just wait. I responded really well to it last month and had that really painful ovulation so I'm expecting similar results this time too. I came out and told my mom and my Nana that we were taking these pills. I'm sure my family has all been aware that something was up, especially since the miscarriage, but it's not something they've ever explicitly asked about so we just didn't talk about it. My mom just pulls all this "it will happen when it's time" and so on so it definitely could have been better, but it feels nice to feel like I have them to talk to about it and know that they'll be disappointed right along with me.

I also think I might have secured a third doula client so I can really, finally get certified through DONA and stop doing it for free! I think it will be such an amazing certification to be able to add to my resume and to my application to Frontier School of Midwifery and Family Nursing! Of course, I'm the absolute most excited just to start going to births again. It really does wonders for my soul.

Also, I know it's silly, but I feel like a bad blogger lately....lost 2 followers in the past week. What did I do? Oh well, maybe ICLW next week can help me make up for it!

Friday, April 15, 2011

It's been a long week and I'm heading into a long weekend too. Matt left today to spend tonight and tomorrow night in Bald Knob (yep, that's actually the name of the town he grew up in) with a friend of his from high school. I would be more upset about it if I didn't have so much to get done the next two days. I'd be less upset about it if he were seeing a friend who actually liked me and didn't selfishly want us to divorce so Matt would move closer. Mostly, I'm just trying not to think about it.

I had great plans to get busy when I got home and tackle the giant to-do list I have to complete before Monday. But instead, I put some tv on and here I am on my blog now. The housework and clinical paperwork will just have to wait for now.

In the morning, I have to make up a clinical day that I missed for convention at a hospital I've never worked in with an instructor I've never worked with. She'll be working as house supervisor so I'll just be pawned off to some other nurse but I'm sure it'll be pretty interesting. I just hope the weather is better than it was today so that I can escape to a trail tomorrow afternoon with my dogs and my new light weight travel hammock. Can you tell I just really don't want to do this much needed housework?

Whether he believes me or not, I do miss my hubby when he's gone. The house is pretty boring all alone and I keep looking over to see if we're laughing at the same jokes. I sure hope he comes back early Sunday.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Mental crisis may be the only time I ever post this often. No time for us to talk this morning, no desire to talk when I get home tonight after a long day of lecture followed by nannying, and no idea what a solution would even look like.
So we'll put it off for now. We'll kiss goodbye at night and in the mornings. We'll keep our words close to our chest. I'll continue to go over and over our most recent conversations. I'll dwell on every little thing we've said, pick it all apart, try to interpret what we actually meant. I'll feel hurt and dismissed all over again. And I'll be tired again all day tomorrow because I know as soon as I lie down tonight, I'll just lay there, stuck in this same cycle until I decide to just get back up. The only perk to all the sleep I've been missing out on lately is that I've been getting a lot of studying done.

And as if it even needs saying, we're not doing Clomid again this month. Who knows,  maybe we'll actually be avoiding pregnancy. And when I think about that, my heart and my head both sink into this pit of despair, my eyes well up with tears, and I just want to run, run, run.

I just bought myself a gift to boost my spirits and I already can't wait to get it in the mail and start wearing it. And now, I guess I'll go back to paying attention to lecture for the next hour before I go straight to work.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Sometimes you get an email with an article in it that seems like it was written just for you. Tonight was one of those night and I needed it so very much. This article is titled An Intimate Look at Intimacy and focuses on intimacy and infertility in particular.

I am so very tired of this endless circle.

How my mind goes in circles. My relationship goes in circles.

Would we just fight about something else if we didn't have nursing school or infertility to wedge between us?

Things always seem so good until suddenly the floor drops out from beneath me. As you know, I've been super busy lately and that has meant that Matt has not been at the top of my priority list. We both have our fair share of mental health issues so it's easy for each of us to blame the other. I use his behavior to justify mine and he uses mine to justify his. A vicious circle. It leads to a head full of thoughts that just bring me down.

It sucks to go from such a high from convention to crying in a parking lot. Tonight we went to see David Sedaris do a reading/signing in Fayetteville. I bought the tickets yesterday as a peace offering of sorts. Other than being annoyed with a lack of parking and being late, the show itself was great. I love his writing and his voice is so soothing to me. But apparently I was worn out because as soon as I got into that nice cold, dark seat, I completely dozed off! All was well with the world for a brief period of time during that show. We took two separate cars there since Matt had to stay in town to work so he walked me to my car after the show to tell me goodnight. I don't even really remember how it started, but we ended up delving right into all our recent problems. 30 minutes of trying to provide rationals for each other, he says the words that always throw my heart into chaos, "we should just table trying to conceive right now." I don't have time for him so how would I have time for a baby. The problem with this is that it makes my brain jump to thoughts that I feel like so few could possibly understand. It makes me question everything. It makes me a sleepless, anxious, emotional, crying mess.

And right now, I'd give anything to run away. I get to this point every couple of months. So who knows, tomorrow may be just fine, but some how, I know we'll end up right back here eventually.
Beautiful views everywhere
It has been a crazy month so far. I left early last Tuesday morning to drive to Tulsa to catch a plane to Salt Lake City for the National Student Nurses Association national convention. We had a group of 6 students, a spouse, and two instructors. We used money from our local chapter to rent a house about 2.75 miles from the convention center and one of our instructors was nice enough to rent a van to get us back and forth. We raised a good bit of money while we were there and I had a great time being a delegate. I'm kind of a nerd for some parliamentary procedure. There was a great resolution put forth that would require an extra consent form for Pitocin (and it passed!) that I was really passionate about. It will now be sent on to multiple other higher up agencies (like the American Nurses Association). I went to about 500 different booths in the Exhibit Hall where I talked to countless numbers of hospitals, schools, and study agencies around the country. I got probably 75 different kinds of pens, a few penlights, a few free water bottles, two t-shirts, 4 bags, and more paper and journals than I've even unpacked yet. There were lots of  really long days but it was so very worth it. Nothing fights nursing school burn out like being surrounded by some amazing people who fill you with inspiration and faith in the future. I also found out that my doula experience counts as pertinent experience for immediate application to Frontier School of Midwifery (one of the schools with a booth in the exhibit hall) as soon as I graduate! I am already super pumped for state convention this fall (in my current town!) where I will be running for a state board position as district two director. I am pretty sure that every single Arkansas person at national convention knows who I am now and what position I will be running for. Next year, I am in charge of getting every one to nationals and I'm already starting to look for places for us to stay in Phili, though it will be hard to top the house we rented in Salt Lake. It was built in the 1930s and had been restored beautifully. Two bedrooms and a bathroom upstairs, and then a totally refinished basement with a huge tv, a wii, a pull out couch, a separate bedroom with a full size bed, and then one more bedroom with a full size bed and bunk beds. The bathroom down there was really nice too with heated floors even. There was a beautiful view of mountains all around no matter which direction you looked (and even though it was really in downtown.) It also had a hot tub out back which we
From our front porch
The model of the temple
enjoyed one night while it snowed. Earlier that evening, once the first part of the resolution hearings closed, we got to go explore Temple Square. It was snowing pretty heavily and I had on Toms so I was slipping and sliding everywhere (with wet feet.) We got a very thorough history of the Mormons from some girls there doing mission work. The Temple was gorgeous and I loved the model of the inside of it (though I still don't understand the room in the basement with the cows.) I definitely learned a ton though while I was there. We also got to watch the Tabernacle choir practice for free and it was beautiful but gave me flashbacks to having to sing the same part of a song five times in a row. I slipped and fell in the snow outside the Tabernacle, busting my knee into the sidewalk and letting slip an obscenity. Everyone gave me a hard time about it, all in good fun.

Loved this lady from the ACNM

I got to sit in on a session on today's nurse midwife with a wonderful woman from the American College of Nurse Midwives as well as one called "Why getting a PhD in nursing is fun! Changing clinical outcomes for high risk mothers and babies" which was amazing. I left entirely inspired and so ready to be in school for the next 7 or 8 years! I found out about how they do oral care for NICU babies with colostrum and cried as I watched a baby who spent 45 days on ECMO and wasn't expected to live be put to the breast for the very first time. The pure emotion in that video gives me goosebumps to think about. I loved every single second of it.

I finally got back into town around 10:30pm on Saturday after two really turbulent flights. The one from Salt Lake to Denver was insane. I might have slept through it had my butt not left the seat (and had the idiot girls in front of me not squealed and screamed.) I get sick when I fly on the most calm of flights so I was feeling pretty green when we got off the plane. I passed out on the couch not long after getting home that night and then worked at Dixie on Sunday. As soon as I got off work I had to go meet with my group for a school assignment and then come home and work on my clinical paperwork that I didn't have time to even look at this past week.

Then it was straight back into clinicals yesterday evening for a full night of hands on learning. I have a teaching project this morning where we go teach memory boosting techniques to a group of older adults at an assisted living place followed by a simulation lab about same day surgery. Then I get a quick break to run home and change clothes since I have an interview at 4:30 for a student nurse internship at the hospital where I have my clinicals this semester. I really, really, really want the job (mostly just to be able to put it on my resume so I can be one of those who gets hired before graduation.) I'm generally really good at interviews but I'm worried about the competition from my classmates.

As for my stupid lady parts, it was a no go this month. Day 2 today. Not quite as depressed and angry as I was yesterday or when I started spotting Sunday. I guess it did regulate my cycle. I don't know when the last time was that I had a 29 day cycle. That in itself almost makes me want to go pick up my refill. These next 6 months would all make incredibly inconvenient babies but like I've said before, I just don't think we'll get pregnant with Clomid so part of me just wants to do the two more rounds that the Dr. wants to do so that I can get my referral to an RE (reproductive endocrinologist- for all my non-ttc friends.) I was so upset and angry Sunday night. I said that I never wanted to try Clomid again. I said that it was just a waste of time and increases hope in months that always end the same way. It was a really crappy night. Things were better yesterday and today feels even less heavy so who knows.

Wish me luck with my interview today and with the pharmacological decision I must make today as well.

Friday, April 1, 2011

I really, really hate this day. Pretty sure I always will. A gigantic joke played on me by the universe that I'll never understand.

My heart aches today wishing I were celebrating a birthday today. I can't believe how much time has past. I would have a two year old if life were at all fair. This day wouldn't suck me into a pit of despair every year. I'd joke and laugh with everyone else; I'd be that one joking on facebook about being pregnant with another. But my life is forever changed.

4dpo is super boring by the way. Not a single thing to obsess about and take my mind off of all the weight today holds for me. I guess I still have a little bit of hope that maybe this month will be the one. That after all this time waiting and mourning, we'll finally get to see what the other side of IF is like. 4 days until I leave for Utah and I'll be testing next Sunday morning which is the first morning I'll be home.

People and Organizations I like

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