Yesterday after I got finished with school I wrote Matt an insanely long email in reply to his email (this is how we communicate when it's too hard to talk). I poured out my love for him (and frustration). I told him how much it hurts me that at the slightest hurdle, his first idea is to leave. We've worked so hard to get this far and I can't imagine giving in now. I was 100% honest with everything I've been feeling and internalizing lately. It gave us an opportunity to have a real talk about what we both need to be happy. We've got a long way to go and a lot more talking to do, but we're definitely on the right path. We have such a special love and I'm not saying that any marriage is a walk in the park every day forever and always, but when you throw both our mental health issues into the mix, it just makes it that much more difficult to keep a healthy marriage going.
I often wonder how different our story would be if I had gotten pregnant right away after we got married. I just hate how much infertility has affected our relationship. It had already started to take it's toll in those 14 months before my miscarriage and the 17 months we've been back together have been no easier. I'm not even talking about how my miscarriage made me lose my mind and run away Anyone who has ever actually ttc knows how incredibly un-sexy it can be to have timed sex. It has had a weird strain on our relationship because it has made Matt feel used from time to time, most especially those crazy busy months where I seemed to only make time for sexual intimacy when I knew it was baby-making time. And even though I've stopped charting for the most part, don't temp anymore, don't take any extra drugs, or put much effort at all into ttc, his brain is still stuck in that mindset. School and work has me so busy and exhausted that most nights, by the time I get in bed, I am out in minutes and that last thing on my mind is sex, leaving Matt feeling neglected and unloved. This means when we actually do make love, he gets really insecure thinking I must have ulterior motives (like a baby) and it totally kills the mood. What he doesn't realize is that I've absolutely given up on us ever conceiving naturally. I'm not saying I don't still obsess when I know we've had decent timing, but it's not generally something that crosses my mind in the heat of the moment anymore. Explaining that to him felt nice. I am hoping that reiterating that I don't just want a baby, I want HIS babies and reminding him that if that was truly ALL I wanted was a baby, I would have given up on us long ago and figured out how to have a kid on my own, might have brought a little bit of peace of mind to this certain insecurity.
Like I said, this is only the beginning. I think it can only get better from here. Now for some cuddling on the couch while we watch Bill Mahr and Matt recovers from the 4 times in a row the dog just jumped on his juevos hahaha.