Tuesday, November 30, 2010

December Photo Project

First, I can't believe that it's almost December. I mean, I have my tree up and "Season's Greetings" hung on my door, but really, where has 2010 gone? I'm 1 clinical day, a test, and a final away from being a fourth of the way done with nursing school. I've definitely had to push myself a lot more than I expected to get through it so far, but I get more confident every day that I really am headed in the right direction towards fulfilling my dreams of serving women as a midwife.

And about the big banner at the beginning of this post (and the smaller one on the side bar), I stumbled across this through a blog that I follow and just loved the idea! I find it hard to devote time every day to write a blog post and this will be a nice challenge to at least post one thing a day, even if it is just a picture. I thought I was going to do a Wordless Wednesday post every week a few months ago but never stuck with it. Hopefully I'll have better luck this time.

So here's to a picture a day for 25 days. And back to studying for this huge test tomorrow.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Not a single lecture day left this semester. If I can just get through this next test and the final, along with 3 clinical days (after today), I will be A FOURTH OF THE WAY DONE!!!!! I just might make it through with an A even, especially if I rocked the 25 page major care plan which counts for 6% of my entire grade. I stayed up until 3:30 in the morning yesterday finishing it only to go to print it out and have the format totally go bonkers! It went from being 25 pages to 145! I had a mini-breakdown but managed to fix it just in time.

I am so ready for a couple days off but I desperately wish I could just stay home and clean instead of travelling home. It's probably sad that I am looking forward to a few days of deep cleaning during the week I'm on vacation from my nanny job next month but I really am. My house has been neglected just like every thing else in my life this past semester. The door to our guest room fell off the hinges about a month ago and still sits leaning up against the wall, only half connected. Not to mention that my guest bed is covered in clean clothes that have never made it to a hanger. We won't even talk about my bathroom. But I just feel the need to super clean everything in the hopes that we'll have some visitors next month.

I take surveys online for money and the one from last week made me want to throw my computer! It started out with a nice big "are you pregnant?" followed by "do you plan on becoming pregnant?" and "when do you plan on becoming pregnant?" which had some lovely time frames to choose from. I told Matt I was just going to check 6 months to a year and that meant that it would be so. (don't you just love my logic?) If only that place knew that it just doesn't always go as planned.

Busy day today of nanny-ing, then the dentist, court for CASA (court appointed special advocates for children in foster care), then showing up to clinicals two hours late. All I want to do is go back to sleep for a few hours but it's just never in the cards so off I go!

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

This month's blog writing challenge for Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope is to discuss any "blessings in disguise" that came from your loss. There is the old cliche' that every cloud has a silver lining, and loss really is no different, although it took me a long time to be able to see anything other than pain and despair from the whole situation.

My marriage fell apart in the weeks and months right after my miscarriage. I'm not sure if I've ever discussed candidly here what actually happened so here it goes in the most condensed way possible. Those weeks after my miscarriage were the darkest I've ever seen. I was in a very vulnerable grieving state where I thought daily of ending my own life. I've never felt so lost in my life and that's when my ex-first love, A, randomly contacted me with a friendly, "How's married life?" kind of message. If he had sent this message even a few weeks previously, I would have gushed about how happy I was, how much we were looking forward to being parents, and how much I was looking forward to the future. Instead, I talked about how unhappy I was, how much I thought of suicide, how much I just hurt. I had attempted to be friends with A earlier in mine and Matt's relationship and it did not go well. Matt could see then that feelings still laid in wait and made me promise to cut all ties. This meant that the whole exchange we had started having had to stay hidden, which in all honesty, made it more appealing. I'm a bad liar and Matt knew something was up. In what seems like just a few days in my mind, I'd been sucked into this fantasy life I had convinced myself awaited me in Northwest Arkansas with A. I was in this state of mind where I felt like I could reason out anything. And this loss was supposed to be some catalyst for change in my life right? Maybe that was the universe telling me that my husband and I just weren't meant to be? I told myself that I definitely didn't want to even think about ever getting pregnant again, didn't want to think about a childless marriage, and I just wanted to get away from anyone who even knew I had been pregnant (what an awful idea!). My miscarriage was September 19th and by the first week in November, Matt was living in Prague and I moved to Northwest Arkansas. We spent the next 7 months torturing each other and attempting to reconcile multiple times before we were actually successful in June 2009.

I know you're wondering, where is the good supposed to be in this? It took me a long time to be able to see it too. Well, in my mind, there are quite a few good things that came out of our loss and subsequent separation. Matt got a European vacation that he would have never had otherwise (yeah, he was miserable most of the time, but at least he got to be miserable in a beautiful city. I was miserable here.). I finally started back to school that Spring semester on a path towards fulfilling my career dreams. And most importantly, at least for our marriage, I finally had a chance to put feelings for A behind me. We had to work through so much just to get back together and I try to remind myself frequently how lucky we are to have the second chance we worked so hard for. I think our marriage is stronger because of it and most days, I feel like we could weather anything the world throws our way. I also know that once I become a midwife, I will have patients who are forced to endure loss as well. It brings me more comfort than anything else to know that when I say, "I know how you feel and I know how much this effing sucks", I will truly mean it. Not that when someone who hasn't experienced it doesn't mean it when they say they're sorry, but it just never held the same weight for me. I know it brought me so much comfort when it was all so raw to have the support of women who had actually been through the same thing. I'm actually hoping to find time sometime this summer to actually finish my doula certification so that I can volunteer with the Amethyst organization that provides free doula services for women going through a miscarriage so that I can really feel like I'm doing my part.

I'll always wish it had never happened and that instead of writing this blog post while at my nanny job in Northwest Arkansas, we were back in Searcy chasing our own rambunctious toddler around, but we have to play the hand we're dealt (since I'm busting out the cliche's today) and I like to think we're making the most of it.

And now for a walk around the block with my replacement toddler and then off to clinicals. Also, I have an 89 in nursing school right now which I am pretty proud of!

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Yesterday after I got finished with school I wrote Matt an insanely long email in reply to his email (this is how we communicate when it's too hard to talk). I poured out my love for him (and frustration). I told him how much it hurts me that at the slightest hurdle, his first idea is to leave. We've worked so hard to get this far and I can't imagine giving in now. I was 100% honest with everything I've been feeling and internalizing lately. It gave us an opportunity to have a real talk about what we both need to be happy. We've got a long way to go and a lot more talking to do, but we're definitely on the right path. We have such a special love and I'm not saying that any marriage is a walk in the park every day forever and always, but when you throw both our mental health issues into the mix, it just makes it that much more difficult to keep a healthy marriage going.

I often wonder how different our story would be if I had gotten pregnant right away after we got married. I just hate how much infertility has affected our relationship. It had already started to take it's toll in those 14 months before my miscarriage and the 17 months we've been back together have been no easier. I'm not even talking about how my miscarriage made me lose my mind and run away Anyone who has ever actually ttc knows how incredibly un-sexy it can be to have timed sex. It has had a weird strain on our relationship because it has made Matt feel used from time to time, most especially those crazy busy months where I seemed to only make time for sexual intimacy when I knew it was baby-making time. And even though I've stopped charting for the most part, don't temp anymore, don't take any extra drugs, or put much effort at all into ttc, his brain is still stuck in that mindset. School and work has me so busy and exhausted that most nights, by the time I get in bed, I am out in minutes and that last thing on my mind is sex, leaving Matt feeling neglected and unloved. This means when we actually do make love, he gets really insecure thinking I must have ulterior motives (like a baby) and it totally kills the mood. What he doesn't realize is that I've absolutely given up on us ever conceiving naturally. I'm not saying I don't still obsess when I know we've had decent timing, but it's not generally something that crosses my mind in the heat of the moment anymore. Explaining that to him felt nice. I am hoping that reiterating that I don't just want a baby, I want HIS babies and reminding him that if that was truly ALL I wanted was a baby, I would have given up on us long ago and figured out how to have a kid on my own, might have brought a little bit of peace of mind to this certain insecurity.

Like I said, this is only the beginning. I think it can only get better from here. Now for some cuddling on the couch while we watch Bill Mahr and Matt recovers from the 4 times in a row the dog just jumped on his juevos hahaha.

Friday, November 12, 2010

Blog Button NBF

Aly over at Infertility Overachievers is featuring me today on her New Blog Friday! So here's a big hello to everyone making their way over from Aly's amazing blog. You already know a little bit about me and my blog and I'd hate to be repetitive so instead I'll tell you a little bit about the present day.

I am almost done with my first semester of nursing school, meaning I am almost a fourth of the way done. I had a ton of doubts in the first few weeks as to this being my path and if I hadn't been so financially invested, I might not have stuck it out. See, my brain works on this all natural, hippie frequency and that just hasn't meshed well with Western medicine in the past. There are still days where I have to just bite my tongue and compromise a little bit of my soul to get through the day, but there much more far and few between. Being in the clinical setting has shown me a new side of myself that makes me certain that my life is on the right path right now.

Because of aforementioned school, I have become an awful friend, wife, and blogger. I usually feel pretty stretched thin since I am also a nanny and work as a waitress on Sundays. My husband doesn't feel like we get to spend enough time together, and when we are together I am generally doing school work, or like right now have the computer in my lap, oblivious to the outside world. It's put a huge strain on our relationship and my husband makes sure to let me know all the time. We've worked so hard just to make it this far that divorce is no where on my radar (and most of the time, I'm so busy with my full life that I don't notice when things are getting bad), but it seems to be my husband's go-to solution at the time. Since the marital problems have taken over our lives right now, baby-making isn't really on the menu. I can't believe we've had 4 years of unprotected sex and nada (including those two months of Clomid). There will be months where things are awesome and we'll have all the right timing, but I've pretty much lost hope that I'll ever conceive again on my own. If our marriage makes it through nursing school, I get the feeling we'll be back on the adoption pathway, but for now, there is a hiatus. And for once, I'm ok with that.

Also, what are your weekend plans? I was thinking early morning hike with my puppy Saturday, followed by babysitting at a dinner party, Dixie Cafe Sunday morning, and clinical homework Sunday night. It'll be gone before we know it.

Please feel free to stick around and watch the drama unfold, and I would love it if you'd stay long enough to see me become a mother! Thanks for visiting!

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Just finished my last skills validation for the semester. In a little over a month, I'll be a fourth of the way done with nursing school.

My thoughts are all over the place lately, as is my relationship. I couldn't tell you what my marriage will be like next week. Our friends are fighting which seems to be spilling over onto us since they seem to be having the same problems.

It's just forcing me to think about things I generally do my best to overlook. I don't realize how much I belittle my own feelings until I'm forced to explain them to others. I make daily sacrifices to keep my marriage going and I'm feeling stretched so thin already.

I had a great 4 mile hike with my puppy Wednesday afternoon but instead of clearing my head like it generally does, it just gave me that much more uninterrupted time to hash things out with myself . I think things that I'm scared to say out loud. It just makes them so much more real with you hear yourself say them.

For the first time in a very long time, I'm finding a peace in my childless life.

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