Sunday, October 3, 2010

It's been an insane week. One of my best friends, C, had her baby around 1am on Thursday after a long, hard day of labor. I was anxious to get to meet her new son so I decided I would leave for Little Rock as soon as I was done with my physical assessment validation in school Friday. I was so ready to get on the road that I screwed my documentation up a few times, saying that N had "no visible legions" on her scalp, rather than lesions, but I still passed which is all that really matters.

I decided I'd stay the night with my other best friend, W, since she's been having just as rough a time as I have. Our mutual friend, and W's best friend, had her sweet baby girl three weeks ago in an emergency c-section. They soon discovered that she had been without oxygen for a few hours by that point and her brain had already suffered too much damage. They used all the technology available and countless numbers of prayers in the hopes that a miracle would heal her brain but it just wasn't in the cards. So Friday evening, as we were visiting C and her precious, healthy son Elias Jude, our friend K had just made the decision to take her baby girl, also K, off of the ventilator. After hanging out in the waiting room for a while by the NICU to see if any of K's family was coming out, we went back down the hall to see C again and love on the sweet baby who gets to go home with his mommy and grow up and do things.

W and I were both emotionally exhausted at this point and pretty much at tears over any passing thought of K and what she was having to do right then. We decided that we were both going to go back to her apartment and get drunk. It's something neither of us does very frequently at all and we are both such light weights that it only takes about 2 drinks for us to be fairly intoxicated. We went back to her apartment and watched Veronica Mars while randomly blurting out things we probably wouldn't say sober. It was a few hours of escape that I desperately needed. We cried and it felt good. I still wish we would have went for the tattoos though.

I woke up the next morning wishing I didn't have to move and remembering why I drink so rarely. I got around about 10 and headed to Little Rock to see C again before I had to come back to NWA. I stayed there at the hospital with her and Elias for a little over 2 hours and then I headed to Cabot to see my Nana. I only stayed there about a half an hour but it was great to see her. As soon as I hit the freeway on my way home, it was like the weight of everything hit me all at once and before I knew it, I was pulled off on the side of the freeway crying so hard I could barely breathe. The whole way home I don't think I made it more than a few miles without tears. And when I got home, Matt had cleaned around the house, like he said he would, but I assumed he would do the dishes that had been piling up in the sink all week and when I saw that he didn't I cried and cried like it was the end of the world. It's just been that kind of week.

I'm ready for the week to start just to have school as a distraction again. This Wednesday we're going to Oklahoma City to see The Mountain Goats and I am super, super excited. Thursday and Friday are both skills validation days so I'll be spending most of them studying for our 3rd test the following week. I'm 1/8 done with nursing school already! I also found out that after spring semester I can sit for the state LPN exam if I want to and I'm definitely considering it. I'd be able to have a great summer job and I'll admit, I've thought about applying to Baptist's nursing program and if I had my LPN, I could transfer a lot more smoothly.

Sometimes, I can make myself forget about how much I miss my friends and family, but these days, it's practically impossible and I think constantly about how badly I want to live closer to them. As much as I would love to travel the country and the world as a nurse, a huge part of me wants to stay right here. Matt's been ready to get out of Arkansas for a while now so I know he doesn't want to be here forever, and I'm not saying that I do either, but right now, I just want to draw them all close to me and surround ourselves in love.

P.S. I miss my sweet little ninja toddler. He's enjoying his European vacation and right now I think he's in Amsterdam. I can't wait for him to be back so I can cuddle him and love on him and pour energy into caring for him.

2 comments:

Someday said...

Cindy Bullens is a singer/songwriter who recorded an album as a way to work through her grief at losing her daughter to cancer. I enjoy her songs and so have some of my clients. They might resonate with you and your friends who have had losses as well.

crazywonderfullife said...

Thank you for your comment on my blog. It makes me so sad each time I read or hear about another woman who has gone through the pain of miscarriage, but it also makes me feel better to know that there are others who understand. I am truly so sorry for your loss.
I would definitely love to get together for tea sometime :-)
Jodean

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