Wednesday, October 27, 2010

I always find myself feeling overwhelmed by the amount of life that just keeps passing me by.

This semester is over half way over and clinicals finally started this week. I had the amazing opportunity to go to the Arkansas Nursing Students Association 2010 Convention this past week and it was incredible. It filled me with inspiration and solidified my desire to become a nurse. I loved being surrounded by so many people with a similar drive. It helped me to break out of my own shell and I feel like I grew and flourished. I decided at the last minute to run for District 2 Director for the state board of nursing students, filling out my application a half an hour before it was due, and winging a speech in front of 150+ people. Public speaking has never really been something I enjoyed but this time was so different. It was like a drug for me, such a rush of hormones and adrenaline that it kept me lifted for days afterwards. I had people I had never met coming up to me and telling me what a great public speaker I was and asking if I was considering running for a national office. It was awesome! I didn't get the position since I ran against a girl from a school that had 7x as many delegate as my school, but you can bet I'll be back up there again next year. I've also decided to run for a local chapter office (vice president) next year and Shandi and I are going to turn this chapter around and make it even more amazing. Can't you just feel the new inspiration?! And clinicals have been great too. I was so nervous, but once I got to the facility and met my clinical instructor, I started to feel at home, so much at home that I might apply for a job there if I can.

My personal life is definitely suffering now that school has taken the top notch in my priority list. My marriage, my friendships, my house, and my puppy are all being sacrificed in one way or another. Matt's feeling neglected, threatened not only by school, but also by all the comments I make about cute women. His nonexistent self esteem is nothing new to me, but the strain that it puts on our relationship from feeling like it's somehow my responsibility to make him feel better is getting even more exhausting. He is still quick to jump to "we should just split up now" when faced with any sort of issue he doesn't see a solution to. Just seeing (or hearing) those words brings back this flood of emotions from when we were apart when I really just wish we could put that behind us. He likes to assume he knows how I'm feeling or thinking, and usually he's way off base. His restlessness seeps into me and make me anxious. Anxious to be done with school, anxious for a family, anxious for happiness. I find myself so caught up in my own life, in school most particularly, that I have no idea that these other parts of my life are being so neglected until it's about to explode in my face and then I just have a full system meltdown. I wish there was some kind of nursing student spouse support group so that he can understand he's not alone in this. Yeah, we don't get to see each other as much as we'd like and I'm so exhausted most of the time we do get to spend together, but this is not unique to our situation. This is such a common problem during nursing school and hopefully in another year and a half, we'll have more freedom to enjoy our time together (if we make it that far). I would love to see his depression, anxiety, and OCD medicated, but that makes me a hypocrite for not wanting to medicate my own mental hurdles. His insurance with his job won't kick in until February, but I'm hoping now that I'll be able to find a CNA job with an insurance option cheaper than what I have for school, and we can both get insured. My insurance right now doesn't cover mental health at all and we definitely don't have the money right now to pay out of pocket.

I'm still getting to work as a nanny part time which does wonders for my soul. Without that outlet for mothering energy, I'd be a wreck. The loving bond we share just warms my heart. With the colder weather coming, we've been trying to soak up as much outside time as possible and I've discovered that tuning everyone out and pretending to be an airplane with him is a huge stress reliever. We just "fly" all over the park and downtown square and get all kinds of silly looks. I really do love that boy. <3

We're still working towards our own family and we'll be incredibly grateful whenever a little one decides to join our lives, no matter how "inconvenient" the timing may be. I talked to our chapters current VP and she had a baby during her first semester (and she was born early!) and she managed, so I feel like we could definitely figure out a way to make it work, even if would make things more difficult from time to time. I keep reading this quote everywhere in my online circles and I don't know who said it but it has stuck with me: "Don't give up on something you can't go a day without thinking about." You can definitely count on us not giving up anytime soon, or ever. If we're still childless when I graduate, we'll most likely move forward towards foster-to-adopt again. It brings me comfort that no matter what the future holds for us, I will be a mother one day.

Positive affirmation for the day: Every day brings me closer to my dreams of being a mother and a midwife.


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