Thursday, September 9, 2010

I haven't written a poem in years. I used to write them all the time, just ripe with teenage angst. I even set a few of them to music. Of course, they all burnt up with my journals in the fire, but I still remember some of the ridiculous lines I wrote.

Many things are weighing heavy down upon me right now. A friend who's baby is in critical condition after an emergency c-section. The prognosis is not good. Skills validations in school tomorrow and Monday. A huge exam on Tuesday. An eight hour volunteer shift Saturday instead of studying. My marriage kinda got stuck in a rut. I basically just want to cry. I think about it too much and make myself sick, give myself headaches, and just want to curl up in a dark corner and hide for a while. New friend, N, said something about yoga today and it really has me wanting my school money to come in soon so that I can try out some hot yoga in the hopes that it's just the outlet I need.

It doesn't have a title and I don't really feel like it is finished, but I'll share anyway:

racing thoughts and a busy mind
weighing heavy on my heart.
so many things that need to be done,
and no idea where to start.

watching the calender creeping closer and closer,
to the day that changed my life,
changed the way my mind works
and even who I am as a wife.

not a single day passes
that I don't think of you,
of the toddler you'd be growing into,
and all the things you'll never do.

time does not heal all wounds.
it only seems to bring more pain.
my arms are still empty,
my heart still in pieces,
and the tears still fall like rain.

No, I'm not depressed at all (that's called sarcasm, folks). Sometimes, I find it amazing that I can still force myself to do the things I need to for school, force myself to get out of the house at all. 10 more days until I'll probably be too drunk to stand (like that will help the situation at all). I'm off to force myself to be social at a picnic. And to buy a watch last second for vital signs validation in the morning. *insert scream here*


cpdendy said...

I don't know how you do it, but I admire you for it. I know how depressed I get just not knowing whether or not I can even get pregnant...

I'm so sorry you're in this much pain, and I can't imagine how you possibly couldn't be, but I'm praying for your strength. God has plans for your family and it is good... I just know it!

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