Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Where I am, leaves have already started to turn colors. As the leaves begin to die, it's like the topic of death fills my thoughts. I know I talk about my loss too much for some people's comfort, but it weighs so very heavy on my mind right now. I watch the calender just creeping closer and closer to Sunday and slipping slowly down into this pit I know so well. This time two years ago, I had just gone to my first prenatal and was filled with nothing but hope. 4 days later I wanted to die. And it seems like I am being drained of color along with the leaves this year. Momentum slowly fades away a little more each day so I figured the 19th would just be just laying around and getting drunk, after working a few hours for Dixie.

I accidentally agreed to plans this Sunday before I realized what I'd done. It's not like I had anything productive planned, but my liver sure is going to miss out on some damage. When I agreed to said plans, I thought she would have a babysitter for the absolutely adorable 4 month old baby boy she has. I didn't feel like I could back out once she said her parents would only have him Saturday so he would be joining us. Maybe it won't be torture. Maybe it will bring me hope. Maybe I'll be reminded that I do have friends who will let me talk about my sadness, who will let me hold their sweet babies and just cry without judgment. It will definitely be healthier not to just drink myself into oblivion, and not just physically.

Things really are looking up, although I know you can't tell from this post. My school money finally came in. I found out I got an 87 on my first nursing test. My in-laws decided to get a new car and give us their old one. It's a 2003 Ford Taurus and they're going to come up here Saturday to bring it to us. I'm thinking I can probably get a few hundred dollars out of it on Craigslist since all it needs is a power steering pump to be working again. Things are about to be better than they've been in our whole marriage. So why am I still so down?


Julie Anita said...

First off, *HUG*

It's definitely that time of year. I mean, appropriately enough,like you said, Yom Kippur starts tonight! (I realized I forgot to respond to that part of your comment to me on the BSL thread.) It's a time for chapters closing and one last backwards glance before we dive into the colder weather and wait to come out the other side.

I'm still avoiding a few of my pregnant friends. I feel really badly about it. One's due in February, the other late December, and I haven't seen either of them the entire time they've been pregnant. It's terrible of me but I just can't see to do it. It's too much.


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