Tuesday, September 28, 2010

I was tagged by Amanda over at this girl will never be the same.
So I'll answer these questions instead of thinking my headache even bigger.

1. What is your all time favorite book? It's always hard to pick favorites and I definitely have a favorite in every genre of interest to me which makes it even more difficult. Most recently, I read Never Let Me Go by Kazuo Ishiguro and absolutely loved it, so it's my favorite fiction right now. Thanks to the hubz for recommending it.
2. If you had one "do over" what would it be, and would you really take the chance? I would have turned to my husband in the grief after our loss instead of running away from all the people who cared about me. Some days I think I would take the chance, not that I would enjoy that level of pain again at all, but I do wonder what our relationship would be like today. In the end, I wouldn't take the chance because I think we're so much stronger today because of it. Matt would have never had a chance to go to Prague and I might not have started back to school.
3. Complete this phrase, "When life hands you lemons...." take them back and try and get a refund!
4. What is the best piece of advice anyone has ever given you? My step-mom told me that being in a relationship was going to be the hardest job I'd ever have. It isn't something that will always come easy, but it's always worth working for.
5. What is your favorite holiday & why? Not big on holidays, but I guess Thanksgiving would be my favorite since I'm a comfort eater and who doesn't love all the food!
6. What was your childhood nickname? Rotel. Don't ask me why. I guess since it kind of rhymes. I blame Wanda.
7. Do you thrift? If so, what is your favorite thrifty shopper?? Oh yeah, mostly because we're poor college students right now but I love thrift stores and garage sales!
8. What five words best describe you? Empathetic. Crunchy. Stubborn. Determined. Sarcastic.

Friday, September 24, 2010

Until I graduate. When you say it that way, it doesn't seem like that long! And I found an awesome program with Frontier Midwifery School that is an associate degree nurse to masters program bridge. It's 12 months of baccalaureate class and then I can dive right into one of their masters programs. They offer both nurse midwifery and nurse practitioner programs, but I may end up trying to complete both if I can't make a decision by then. I am excited that clinicals start a month from today

Big test Monday and I've been studying to the point of brain fry every day for the past week. Working two 10-2 shifts this weekend and studying in the evenings. And then yummy food at Greenhouse Grill with new friends N and her hubby J (who has a lot in common with Matt and they actually seem to get along really well!) on Monday to celebrate another test down.

Hopefully someone will decide to buy our car this weekend. It's up on craigslist for $500 obo because I want it to go fast!

Can I just be done with school already? I want awesome insurance and money to fill our home with babies and children. I'm ready to be a family. Ugh. It will be so great one day.

Friday, September 17, 2010

My story was featured on Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope today. I plan on posting a link to it on my facebook page October 15th, National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day, along with changing my profile picture. I'm hoping that a few people will go to their website and donate a few dollars in my sweet baby's name. We will be donating $50 for their amazing work at attempting the break the taboo, and make loss something we all feel like we can talk about.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Where I am, leaves have already started to turn colors. As the leaves begin to die, it's like the topic of death fills my thoughts. I know I talk about my loss too much for some people's comfort, but it weighs so very heavy on my mind right now. I watch the calender just creeping closer and closer to Sunday and slipping slowly down into this pit I know so well. This time two years ago, I had just gone to my first prenatal and was filled with nothing but hope. 4 days later I wanted to die. And it seems like I am being drained of color along with the leaves this year. Momentum slowly fades away a little more each day so I figured the 19th would just be just laying around and getting drunk, after working a few hours for Dixie.

I accidentally agreed to plans this Sunday before I realized what I'd done. It's not like I had anything productive planned, but my liver sure is going to miss out on some damage. When I agreed to said plans, I thought she would have a babysitter for the absolutely adorable 4 month old baby boy she has. I didn't feel like I could back out once she said her parents would only have him Saturday so he would be joining us. Maybe it won't be torture. Maybe it will bring me hope. Maybe I'll be reminded that I do have friends who will let me talk about my sadness, who will let me hold their sweet babies and just cry without judgment. It will definitely be healthier not to just drink myself into oblivion, and not just physically.

Things really are looking up, although I know you can't tell from this post. My school money finally came in. I found out I got an 87 on my first nursing test. My in-laws decided to get a new car and give us their old one. It's a 2003 Ford Taurus and they're going to come up here Saturday to bring it to us. I'm thinking I can probably get a few hundred dollars out of it on Craigslist since all it needs is a power steering pump to be working again. Things are about to be better than they've been in our whole marriage. So why am I still so down?

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

I am supposed to be listening some (boring!) Kaplan salesperson tell me how awesome her program is and how glad we'll be that we were forced to buy their product and testing. Instead, I'll use my outlet here.

I finally have one test out of the way. I have one test or quiz each week for the next few weeks so it will be hard to put as much time into studying that material like I did for this test. Hours upon hours of studying and I still think I got a B. I'll deal with that, but I really would have expected an A out of all the time I put in. I still haven't received my grade, but I know I was sure of about 81 of the 100 questions. I absolutely hated the collaborative testing that we had to do following the test. It consisted of random groups of 6 completing one scan-tron on the same test. I got appointed the team leader which I really, really hated and as if that wasn't bad enough, one of the people in my class that makes me want to bang my head against the wall was in my group as well.

I passed both of my validations too, but mostly out of pure luck, rather than skill. I am not even opening up a book tonight just because I desperately need a break.

Yesterday was one of those days where I really wished I could have just crawled back in bed. My alarm didn't go off so I woke up later than planned. Then, I got to the car and realized the power steering had totally gotten out so I had to quickly take Matt's car. I then tripped down the stairs coming from the parking deck on my way into school. Matt got really upset because by taking his car, I made it impossible for him to attend the necessary training he needed for his job. Fighting in-sued quickly followed by making up. So now without a car, I'm totally dependent on class mates to get to and from school most days.

I'm actually kind of stressing out about getting to work today because I left my phone at home and have no idea what Matt's number is (than you technology!) Even if I do make it home in time to have him take me to work, I do not have a ride home until an hour after I get off. It will be interesting to see if I can make this work this week. They'll be leaving on Monday for Europe and by th5e time they get back, we should have our car fixed, or at least the situation better worked out.

Sunday night was wonderful. After working at Dixie during the day and spending a few hours as Border's studying, N invited Matt and I over to their house for a few drinks. N's husband and Matt have a lot of similar interests and I know Matt really enjoyed being able to have someone to bounce that stuff off of. They share obscure movie tastes which Matt could talk about forever and ever. It was nice to see Matt enjoy spending time with a person other than me. I love him sooo very much, but I can't provide all the social stimulus he needs, especially now that I'm in school. I definitely hope that we'll all four be hanging out a lot more these next two years.

This lady is still talking and I would love to bilaterally palpate her carotids to shut her up. I am just cranky and in dire need of a break from school after the brain frying test this morning. Back into lecture tomorrow, which I never thought I'd actually look forward to but after 2 validations and a test in a row, it seems like a break.

5 days.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

I haven't written a poem in years. I used to write them all the time, just ripe with teenage angst. I even set a few of them to music. Of course, they all burnt up with my journals in the fire, but I still remember some of the ridiculous lines I wrote.

Many things are weighing heavy down upon me right now. A friend who's baby is in critical condition after an emergency c-section. The prognosis is not good. Skills validations in school tomorrow and Monday. A huge exam on Tuesday. An eight hour volunteer shift Saturday instead of studying. My marriage kinda got stuck in a rut. I basically just want to cry. I think about it too much and make myself sick, give myself headaches, and just want to curl up in a dark corner and hide for a while. New friend, N, said something about yoga today and it really has me wanting my school money to come in soon so that I can try out some hot yoga in the hopes that it's just the outlet I need.

It doesn't have a title and I don't really feel like it is finished, but I'll share anyway:

racing thoughts and a busy mind
weighing heavy on my heart.
so many things that need to be done,
and no idea where to start.

watching the calender creeping closer and closer,
to the day that changed my life,
changed the way my mind works
and even who I am as a wife.

not a single day passes
that I don't think of you,
of the toddler you'd be growing into,
and all the things you'll never do.

time does not heal all wounds.
it only seems to bring more pain.
my arms are still empty,
my heart still in pieces,
and the tears still fall like rain.

No, I'm not depressed at all (that's called sarcasm, folks). Sometimes, I find it amazing that I can still force myself to do the things I need to for school, force myself to get out of the house at all. 10 more days until I'll probably be too drunk to stand (like that will help the situation at all). I'm off to force myself to be social at a picnic. And to buy a watch last second for vital signs validation in the morning. *insert scream here*

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

I just feel like writing. Not about anything in particular so this will mostly be some more narcissistic rambling.

I have my first exam a week from today and I should be using this last little bit before bed to make some more flash cards since I'm only about half way there. There is just so much material to cover that it feels overwhelming to even look at it all. I stayed 3 hours after school ended today practicing taking blood pressure and discussing questions from the companion CD for our Fundamentals of Nursing textbook. I just hope our test will be full of just as many common sense questions as the book had, but I'm definitely thinking I'll be a C student for this class. This Friday is our first skills validation where we have to perform our newly learned skills in front of one of the nursing faculty. I am absolutely terrified of having to do this. I don't perform well when I know I'm being watched and it is causing me so much anxiety. I already warned my lab partner, N, that I am probably going to cry while I take her vital signs. I cried just telling Matt how stressed I am about it and I'm even having nightmares about it. Hopefully it will be one of those things where later I can talk about how silly it was that I was so stressed, but until then, I just try not to think about it.

My sweet little toddler D is going on a European vacation for 3 weeks starting the 20th of this month. I'm super jealous but also sad that I have to go 3 whole weeks without his sweet, sweet face. He gives the best hugs and kisses now. We get to house sit for them for 10 days out of that which should be fun. Their big fluffy dog is pretty awesome.

On a high note, Matt is loving his new job. You can just tell from the way he talks about the boy he's caring for that they've already got a pretty good bond. He almost glows when he talks about it. I am so very happy he got a job that not only pays decently, but is enjoyable as well. If only he didn't have to wait six months to get insurance. You can bet your tukhas (yeah, I'm pulling out the yiddish since it's the Jewish new year after all) that he'll be getting his baby-making abilities checked out as soon as we're not having to pay hundreds of dollars out of pocket to do so.

This weekend I am volunteering eight hours at a local green expo. I will be at the NWA Birth Network booth getting to gush on and on about all things midwifery and natural child birth which I am really looking forward to. It is the one thing I could talk about for hours and hours straight without ever getting tired of it. I'm hoping that I will learn a few new things myself since I get to share a shift with a local midwife. I keep thinking, maybe I'll just fall in love with her and then in the midst of these next two hectic years I'll get to be a client of hers. Once again, yes I know I'm a nutter for still hoping that I some how manage to fall pregnant when I'm up to my ears in nursing homework and flash cards, but it is the one thing I want more in life than to be a nurse midwife and I would be so thrilled. Once Matt gets his "boys" checked out, I'll definitely be using my new health insurance to get some more diagnostic tests done on myself as well. Who knows, maybe even one day I'll have a nice, cushy nursing job with awesome insurance that will cover infertility... a girl can dream, can't she?

Off to bed now in the hopes that I can find the motivation to work out in the morning. I had a request to discuss the fire that burnt our apartment down in January of 2008 so perhaps I'll relive that in my next post. It's just going to be a month of depressing posts because soon I'm going to write out the story of my short lived pregnancy since I'll be featured on facesofloss.com around the 2 year mark of my loss. What a fun blog this must be to read...jeeze.

Saturday, September 4, 2010

We're currently playing house with my favorite toddler while his parents are on vacation. I don't think I'll want to go back to the real world come Monday. I could get used to this nice, big house, decent car, and cute little boy. I have a bunch of pharmacology homework to do and even more studying to get done, but I doubt I will have time to open a book until I get back home Monday.

Today we had a blast! As soon as his parents left, we decided to head off to Eureka Springs. We went to a big cat refuge called Turpentine Creek. They take in animals when zoo's close or when a private owner realizes they can't care for this huge wild animal that eats over 100lbs of food a week. We saw a bunch of lions, tigers, and bears (oh my!). We also saw a monkey, a parrot, a bunch of bobcats, cougars, and a black leopard. After that, we ventured into downtown Eureka Springs to see their old rail road engines since this boy LOVES trains. He had a blast and the weather was perfect for being outside walking around. He actually cried when we had to leave the railroad, but I got some good pictures of him on a lot of the really old cars. I'd love to take him back to do the hour long excursion train ride some day.

Ended the day with some Thai food with my hubby and a cranky boy who was ready for bed. I am now thoroughly exhausted and I know D will be up at like 7am and I have a busy shift at Dixie so it will be another long day tomorrow. Thankfully Matt is going to watch him while I'm at Dixie so I do get a small break, if you can call Dixie that.

This just makes me soooo much more anxious to be a mommy. I enjoyed myself so much today. He was like a natural antidepressant. And I love love love him.

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