It's crazy how infertility can change the way you interpret things. Today, I realized how different the meaning of the new Micheal Buble single, "Just Haven't Met You Yet" is to me than it is to most other people. I think it's supposed to be speaking about a romantic love, but to me, it's about a maternal love.
The lines, "I've broken my heart so many times/ I've stopped keeping track/ talked myself in/ talked myself out/ I get all worked up/ and then I let myself down," were written to describe the heartbreak of getting your hopes up in a relationship and then letting yourself down when it fails. In my mind, it's the rollercoaster of trying to conceive. It's having been at it so long that you no longer remember what cycle number this would be. It's the optimism in the beginning of every month when it seems totally possible that this could be the month that actually works. It's the inner dialog that constantly rages as I over analyze every little cramp and twinge between "it's just another month" and "maybe this is it". But there is always, always, always the let down.
Of course, in the chorus, there is all of the optimism of knowing that one day they'll meet the one they're meant to be with and in those words, I find the faith that one day I will meet the child I am supposed to mother. "I know someday that it will all work out/......And I promise you kid, I'll give so much more than I get/ I just haven't met you yet"
I love the next verse too, with all it's double meaning and optimism. "I might have to wait/ I'll never give up/ I guess it's half time/ And the other half's luck" I can't imagine every truly giving up on having biological children, even when we adopt, I'll still be hoping for that little miracle. I just keep hoping my luck with change eventually. "Wherever you are/ Whenever it's right/ You come out of no where and into my life" And I sure hope you do decide to show up eventually.
It's been a really long day today. A very busy morning at Dixie, a very generous loan from a dear friend that relieves so much stress, and then a long night with the ninjatoddler. Now I'm back home, watching a movie with my hubby and the in-laws who are in town for the night. I have a physical in the morning and then nursing orientation in the afternoon so it will be yet another long, long day tomorrow. And for the first time in forever, I have no idea what CD it is and that doesn't bother me one bit.
"And baby, your love is gonna change me/ And now I can see every possiblity"