Sunday, August 29, 2010

September 19th is creeping up on me so quickly. That's the day that I knew for sure that I would never have the chance to parent that sweet little baby. It's hard for me to believe that almost 2 years have gone by. Those 2 years have gone past in a blur. It's hard now to imagine being away from Matt for more than a few days so it's easy for me to block out the 6 months we were separated after my miscarriage. It's like I relieve those moments over and over around this time of year. I like to tell myself once we have living children it won't be like this, that I won't watch the calender move toward that date and just want to curl up inside my own shell, away from the world where I constantly feel surrounded by babies and pregnant women.

My bestest friend is in the last weeks of her pregnancy right now and I constantly kill myself lately with guilt knowing that if she has that sweet little boy of hers (whose name will be Elias) on the 19th which is just a few days after her due date, it will be so very difficult for me to make the drive down to Little Rock to meet him. I know I will love this sweet boy so very much, but that won't take away the longing that will fill me up as I hold him in my arms. She is already having lots of braxton hicks contractions and thinks he'll be here sooner rather than later, and I am so hoping she is right. It will just make it that much easier for me, and I know she's sooo ready to meet her baby boy too!

I'm definitely feeling the stress of nursing school already. I spent 3 hours on one homework assignment yesterday at my new friend N's house. I am very excited to have actually met some awesome people so far and I'm sure these next two years will bring many more new friends too. Tomorrow is vital signs and I get my stethescope which is super exciting!

After making some decent money at Dixie this morning, Matt and I decided to treat ourselves to a movie. We watched Dinner For Schmucks which was absolutely hilarious. We watched the original french version of the film about a year ago and laughed the whole time. It was just as enjoyable sans subtitles and with many familiar faces. The casting was spot on too. We are going to curl up on the couch and watch the first episode of another British cop show now since we've watched through all of Life on Mars and Ashes to Ashes (two absolutely awesome shows about a person having an accident and ending up back in time, one in 1972 and one in 1982). This show we're about to watch, State of Play, has two of the same actors, including my favorite from both shows, Philip Glenister. Then it will definitely be time for bed. I didn't do my reading for class in the morning so I'm going to try and wake up early to get it done.

I am drinking way too much coffee now.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

I think I've read about 15 chapters this week so far. My mind is full of new information and I just don't know how I'm going to be able to remember all of this stuff for the rest of my life. It seems like way too much. I've worked every single evening except Monday and it's definitely making things much more difficult.

I overslept about an hour this morning and had to get ready and get to school in less than 25 minutes. Somehow I managed, but not without getting in trouble by a security guy for going wayyy too fast in the parking deck.

Luckily, I have Saturday to get started on my study guide and hopefully go through all the student objectives we've covered so far. There's so much material covered in this first exam, but it does slow down a bit after that. There's just a lot more clinical practice and hands on skill days after the first exam, besides having to prepare for our drug calculations test.

On another high note, Matt most likely got a great job as an aide to a wheelchair bound teenage boy. It's 40 hours a week and it pays at least $10/hour. Once he starts getting some money coming in, I'll probably work a lot less with my lovely little toddler ninja which is sad, but I'll still see him at least once a week for sure.

My school money should come in about a month from now and then we'll be super set for a good long while. Besides, we also have $300 coming to us after labor day weekend since we'll be keeping the toddler ninja from Saturday morning to Monday morning. It will definitely be an adventure.

Friday, August 20, 2010

I figure if I can find the strength to break habits involved in frantically trying to conceive for so years, then I can figure out how to slowly work in new habits into my life as well.

This morning, I woke up early, worked out, and then, made coffee and some eggs. I showered and didn't just throw my hair into a braid and ponytail. If I can manage to make that into a habit, my days will be much better. Working out in the morning doesn't take away my afternoon fatigue, but it does improve my mood and make me feel a lot less stressed out. I recently won two Fertility yoga balls from a friend's blog that she got to review for yoga4fertility.com. Well I got them in the mail yesterday and decided to test them out post workout this morning. I just incorporated it into my cool down and loved it. Even if all I have control of in this world is my breathing, at least it's something. Those few moments of control make the rest of the day easier. Besides, working out is totally going to help me get back on track with WW.com. I am determined to end this semester at least 20 pounds lighter (and hopefully not from our lack of food $$).

I have to wake up early and take my CPR for the professional rescuer class in the morning, then I'm going to get some more reading down in advance for the week. And I just got the news that approximately one month from now I should get my first part of my financial aid disbursement, so if we can just make it through this next month, then we should be able to manage for the whole semester. There will definitely be a budget post coming up soon.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

That question seems to be on the forefront of my mind lately as I start to get organized for the semester ahead of me. We're still so incredibly poor right now, but at least we'll have rent for this month (I can't say the same for next month). Just as soon as I think we're about to be done with school expenses, it seems another one is thrown my way. So far, I've spent about $1300 and I still have another $400 to go. I'm not going to be able to order my scrubs next week because now I have to pay for a Kaplan Test that they forgot to tell us about during orientation. And I still haven't paid for or taken the urine drug test that I have to do at some point in the first few weeks of class.

I moved my desk out of the spare bedroom and into our livingroom so that I will actually use it and do work there. I am one of those people that needs distraction in order to actually get anything done which is why I usually end up in the student center studying where I can people watch. This is the corner of my house that I will practically be living in this semester.
I even have a chair massager now!

I also made myself a calender, putting together my work and school schedules with all the homework and reading I know about in advance. I have a very detailed syllabus for this class that includes what we will be doing in class every single day and this is definitely going to help me stay on track. I'm already starting on some of the reading because I know it's going to be a constant battle to keep my head above the water. It's all nice and color coded, but it definitely makes me feel overwhelmed when I look at it.

We'll see how much time I have to actually keep the blog up, but I will make an effort to post at least weekly. I gained back 6 pounds this past week, but feel like I've gotten back on track now. It was just a rough week for me and I haven't worked out at all. I want to get back in the habit, but it's so much easier to be lazy. I just wish it were easier, though weight watchers does help me keep myself accountable. We're still not ttc and for once, I don't even know what cycle day it is, though it definitely feels like AF is just around the corner. All my labs came back normal, reaffirming what we already knew, that my body doesn't seem to be the issue. Matt is making an effort to quit smoking, but he's tried so many times before that I just don't have much faith in him quitting. He's still searching frantically for a job that will pay our bills, and if he doesn't find one in the next few weeks, paying rent in September is going to be really tough. I still get to work at my nanny job, but only about 12 hours a week instead of 24. We will be keeping the babyninja all labor day weekend and I can't wait! It will be so fun and David loves Matt so much. It's always fun to see my hubby playing with him. Let's me imagine such a wonderful future.

Now onto some more reading and defining terms, oh joy!

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

I had orientation for nursing school yesterday and it has me feeling overwhelmed already. They claim we must buy all our books new because the e-books are required, and while I totally think the e-books would make studying easier with my netbook, I just don't want to spend that extra $600. I already spent $150 on equipment yesterday and another $212 on tuition, so it's more than daunting to think about spending another $800 or more on books. I have my schedule for the entire semester which is nice, knowing down to every hour when I'll be in class.

Having my schedule for the whole semester means that I don't have to totally give up watching my ninjaBoy. I think I'll still be able to watch him like 15 hours a week, but we'll see. Luckily, my boss is really flexible since he is mainly a stay at home dad.

On the weight loss front, I'm down to 209.8! When I weighed myself on July 12th, I weighed 222lbs so that's 13lbs in just under a month. I haven't even really been working out, so most of that is just been eating less thanks to keeping track of every single thing I eat on weightwatchers.com.

I went to the doctor yesterday for a physical and a pap. She ran some basic blood work as well and I should hear back about that in the next week or so. I have to have a mole removed from my right breast at some point over the next few months, but it's not really a big deal. My doc said she didn't think it was anything bad, but that since it gets so easily irritated, she'd prefer to remove it and send it off to pathology. It seems crazy, but I keep hoping that maybe they find that I have an underactive thyroid. It would just be such an easy fix, on both the trying to conceive front, as well as weight loss, but it still seems odd to feel like I'm hoping for a disorder. Quite a few people in my family already have a hypothryoidism diagnosis, so I am familiar with the symptoms.

Today, I am thankful for the huge financial blessing from my amazing friend Lisa that has relieved so much stress. I am thankful for my in-laws financial help as well which has not only relieved some of my stress, but some of Matt's as well. I'm thankful that I am one of the few that made it into this nursing program. I am thankful that I don't have to give up my sweet, sweet ninjaBoy and that I still get to be such a big part of his life, and he, mine. I just have so much to be thankful for right now!

And now, I'm going to try and fit in a nap while ninjaBoy sleeps because I am just dragging today.

Sunday, August 8, 2010

It's crazy how infertility can change the way you interpret things. Today, I realized how different the meaning of the new Micheal Buble single, "Just Haven't Met You Yet" is to me than it is to most other people. I think it's supposed to be speaking about a romantic love, but to me, it's about a maternal love.

The lines, "I've broken my heart so many times/ I've stopped keeping track/ talked myself in/ talked myself out/ I get all worked up/ and then I let myself down," were written to describe the heartbreak of getting your hopes up in a relationship and then letting yourself down when it fails. In my mind, it's the rollercoaster of trying to conceive. It's having been at it so long that you no longer remember what cycle number this would be. It's the optimism in the beginning of every month when it seems totally possible that this could be the month that actually works. It's the inner dialog that constantly rages as I over analyze every little cramp and twinge between "it's just another month" and "maybe this is it". But there is always, always, always the let down.

Of course, in the chorus, there is all of the optimism of knowing that one day they'll meet the one they're meant to be with and in those words, I find the faith that one day I will meet the child I am supposed to mother. "I know someday that it will all work out/......And I promise you kid, I'll give so much more than I get/ I just haven't met you yet"

I love the next verse too, with all it's double meaning and optimism. "I might have to wait/ I'll never give up/ I guess it's half time/ And the other half's luck" I can't imagine every truly giving up on having biological children, even when we adopt, I'll still be hoping for that little miracle. I just keep hoping my luck with change eventually. "Wherever you are/ Whenever it's right/ You come out of no where and into my life" And I sure hope you do decide to show up eventually.

It's been a really long day today. A very busy morning at Dixie, a very generous loan from a dear friend that relieves so much stress, and then a long night with the ninjatoddler. Now I'm back home, watching a movie with my hubby and the in-laws who are in town for the night. I have a physical in the morning and then nursing orientation in the afternoon so it will be yet another long, long day tomorrow. And for the first time in forever, I have no idea what CD it is and that doesn't bother me one bit.

"And baby, your love is gonna change me/ And now I can see every possiblity"

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

So I decided I'd join in on Thankful Tuesdays and once a week, focus on all the things I am thankful for in my life.

This week, I'm thankful that our a/c works in our home and that I get to drive the car with a/c (while the Hubz drives the clunker with the windows down). Heat index of 112 today!
that I get to drive the car with a/c (while the Hubz drives the clunker with the windows down).

I am thankful that my puppy is a fast learner and has already started going to the bathroom outside and on the puppy pads! She still has an accident here and there, but in less than a week, she's gotten the hang of it. I'm still so ready for her to be big enough to go hiking!

I'm thankful that I have lost 8 pounds in the past 3 weeks. Weight watchers is really keeping me accountable for the food I eat and I'm forcing myself to Turbo Jam when I have the time, usually 3 times a week. I just hope that school won't get in the way of continuing my weight loss journey.

I'm thankful for my amazing hubby who will hopefully do awesome at his interview in the morning, and get a well paying, crappy factory job to support us for the next few months. And for his sake, I'm thankful he'll get to keep on tutoring since he loves it so very much.

Monday, August 2, 2010

We watched through all 3 seasons of Veronica Mars in the past month! I seriously mourned after the last episode last night. It's just such a well put together show and I was already familiar with a lot of the cast because of Party Down, whih is another show created by Rob Thomas (not the singer). I am a fan of any show that portrays women, especially young women, as capable human beings. She is so smart and sassy and I feel like we could easily be friends. I'm sure all the Big Lebowski references helped, but Matt loved the show too!

We frequently do this kind of things with shows. We find a good one and then become addicts, fitting in an episode every single chance we get, losing sleep to stay up and watch just one more. And then I always get so sad when I know there won't be any more to add to the story line. We did it with Buffy and again with Angel.

Sunday, August 1, 2010

Aly, over at Infertilty Overachievers is having a neat fertility boosting giveaway. She's giving away a Fertility Ball which is from "Strong Yoga4Fertility is a program created by award winning actress Brenda Strong, best known for her role as Mary Alice Young on ABC's Desperate Housewives. After her own personal struggle with infertility, she created a program to help woman naturally increase their fertility through yoga.
Her Yoga4Fertility DVD was a great and I really enjoyed reviewing it. This time I was given the opportunity to review The Fertility Ball and Strong Fertility Ball Yoga Method."

Head over there and get yourself in the running.

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