Friday, July 30, 2010

Last night was intense. It made me long for the days when my faith was strong.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Today is going to be a rough day for some people very dear to me (and selfishly, for me too). Friends of one of the most important ladies in my life had a sweet baby girl on Saturday. Emma Grace was born with anencephaly which basically means that the back her skull never developed, and subsequently her brain never developed fully. Her condition was known ahead of time, but everyone was still hoping and praying for a miracle. She passed away after about 36 hours of love and goodbyes. Her wake is this evening and I am going to go show my support for this amazing family. I helped the momma out once while she was on bed rest in early pregnancy and fell in love with their family instantly. My heart is breaking for them. Their faith and strength through this entire journey amazes and humbles me to the core. I found a piece of jewelry that I bought for Emma's mommy and I can't wait for it to come in the mail. I know it will mean a lot to her.

I feel selfish for thinking about how hard today is going to be on me. Any time someone brings up loss, whether is be miscarriage, still birth, or just baby loss in general, the tears flow very easily. I still grieve every single day for the baby that I won't ever get a chance to parent. It's that pain that makes me feel a connection with every other woman out there who has had to lose a baby, no matter when it happened. It's been almost 2 years and it's still never far from my mind.

It's just going to be tough. I need to pull my strength together.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

I'm sure you could track down a few posts where I've assured all 3 of my readers that there would be change here. That I would post more, that I am changing the subject of my writing, that I'm going to lose weight, etc... Hopefully, I mean it this time. I went for a much simpler layout and I'm hoping one change will lead to more.

I find that I have a lot more time now that I had Matt change my MDC password so that I don't just browse forums all day. After very actively trying to conceive these past 7 or 8 months since we moved into our own place have really taken their toll on me. The darkness sort of creeped up on me these past few months in the same way it always does. Hopes go wayyy up in medicated cycles and then there is just farther to fall when AF does show up, like she always does. So I've put the thermometer away and decided that we'll just let whatever happens, happen. And no, I don't really care that it won't be super convenient during nursing school, because after this long, I'll be shocked if I actually can conceive on my own. So hopefully I can strip this blog of the ttc talk, at least for a while.

TTC talk will be replaced with lots of talk about how freaking cute my new puppy is. She doesn't have a name yet since we just got her Monday night, but we've narrowed it down to a few. She is a brown and white, 6 week old Border Collie and I am totally 100% in love. She is the runt of the litter and is so very tiny. All of my mommying will have a back up outlet when I have to leave my sweet ninjaboy this next month for school!

On the school front, I've got the coldest feet ever. Every day I get closer to starting this program that I worked my tail off the past two years to get into, I wonder a little more if this is really what I want, if I could ever really be happy doing this. It all goes back to the fear that I'm not strong enough to be a midwife but never experience pregnancy and birth for myself. If there was some guarantee that I will eventually have that experience, I think my mind would let this fear go. I'm also worried about my ability to sit through a lecture that I very much disagree with. I worry about a rumor that I have to sit through a circumcision. I worry about the idiots I'm sure I'll have class with, the ones that can't imagine why any idiot would ever purposefully give birth without drugs or at home. I worry about clinicals. I worry about all the clashes between what I'm being taught and what I feel deep down inside me. I don't have any idea what I would do other than keep on this path towards midwifery so I guess that's what I do for now. I'm just saying don't be surprised if I graduate as an RN only to decide to get a bachelors in something else. Matt and I may just be in school forever.

I joined weight watchers online in the hopes that keeping track of all the crap I eat will help me develop the habit of eating less junk. I'm starting out at 217.2lbs and I would like to lose 50lbs by Christmas. Hopefully I can stick with it this time and use this as just another outlet for all the time I was wasting on MDC and FF. I'll be using Turbo Jam at least 3 times a week in addition to the eating better and hopefully my puppy will grow to love hiking as much as I do, and by the time it cools off enough for me to venture out into the woods, she'll be big enough to be a great companion.

I actually feel like I could continue writing forever today but I have to work a double at the waitress gig. So I leave you with a song I'm addicted to lately.


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