Thursday, May 6, 2010

All my dental work is DONE! I finally have a smile that I am not ashamed of and I enjoy showing it off. Unfortunately, now I can't seem to find things to smile about.

I just find myself constantly at battle with my own thoughts. I am always anxious lately, my stomach just full of knots. I'm just flat out unhappy. I'm so very busy all the time right now. Luckily all I really have left of school this semester is finals. I am still working 3 days a week at my nanny job (and loving every second I get to love this little boy and watch him grow!) as well as working 3 days a week at Dixie Cafe waiting tables. Add in the 3 days of school and I just don't know how I fit that into 7 days. Matt and I don't really have time for ourselves and the time we do have, we waste away watching tv because I'm generally too exhausted to do anything else.

We aren't at the top of our game together either. We are considering counseling although I'm not sure either of us really think it will help. We've talked a lot lately about the fact that we have a problem, but we don't know how to go about fixing it. We share so little in common anymore. He told me he recently asked his friend Alex how different two people could be and still have a successful relationship. I just wish this were all easier. I keep having these dreams where I am unfaithful and Matt is leaving me. When I wake up, I feel drenched in guilt that just follows me around all day long. I don't want to be with anyone other than Matt and these dreams cause me so much pain. I've just gotten used to crying when I wake up in the morning. I'm starting to think that even though it seems Matt has forgiven me for my past mistakes, I might never be able to forgive myself.

Throw into the mix how we are on such different pages as far as when we'd like to see our family grow. I know now would not be a good time for anyone new to join our family because we have so much work to do on ourselves so we've pretty much put the foster/adopt paperwork away again, at least for now.

So there is my whine. Things just sucks right now. Hopefully they'll look up soon.

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