Saturday, May 15, 2010

I forgot to talk about the super sweet card that Matt got me for Mother's Day. The day itself just sucked! I worked at Dixie all day long and had people ask me whether I was a mother or not a million times. It stung each and every single time that I just smiled and said, "Not yet!" and let them go back to their death free celebration. Every bone in my body wanted to scream at them, "I should be! She should be about a year old now! But life's not fair! Life can sometimes just suck!" Thankfully my day had been started off right though. I didn't read the card that Matt gave me until I was about to go inside at work. I can't remember what the actually printed card said, but the words he wrote inside are burnt upon my heart now. He said he knew things were tense and our future may seem uncertain, but every time he pictures his future children, they always have my eyes. He signed it, "For all the things we've lost, and all that we stand to gain." It was the best thing he could have ever bought me for that day and it made me do more than just tear up.

Those will be the words I force myself to remember next time we fight. All the things we stand to gain just being together. All the happiness we add to each other's lives that so outweighs any other emotion.

Last night, after I got off work, we curled up on the couch after I made dinner, like we always do, but last night it was different. We just each had a different look in our eye, a new realization perhaps, maybe just desire, but it was great. I seriously love thinking about spending the rest of my life with him.

Our three year wedding anniversary is on Monday! I work the next 5 shifts at Dixie, which I'm mostly doing so we can do whatever we want Monday night. We might even decide to celebrate on Tuesday too. Part of me mourns how different we both thought our lives would be by now. It seems silly to mourn not having to get a babysitter, but I do. For the most part though, I'm just so thankful to have made it this far. As the few of my readers out there know, we've been through more than our fair share these past 3 years and we have both been tested on every level. Yet we endure. We are stronger now than we'd been with smooth sailing. I definitely know more about myself than I would have if I'd never been forced to, if I'd never took that dive off the deep end. I think resilient is the best word for our relationship right now. I am so ready to put some more distance between past mistakes and the amazing future that awaits us. We're still not sure what we're going to do yet, fancy dinner, drinks, who knows, but we'll have a great time as long as we're together.

Friday, May 14, 2010

I hadn't planned on writing now, while in the middle of a thunderstorm, but I have a little extra time before work.

Matt and I get a little bit better for each other every single day. If we can just keep it up, we might have succeeded in being our own therapy. Sometimes when we're busy with our lives, it just feels like I wake up and go through the motions every day which makes it really easy to fall into a rut of habit. Our physical relationship never fails to get put on the back burner during those times and we both just watch the steady decline, neither of us every saying a word about how it makes us feel. And every time we throw in some change, both of us just perk right up. We hug more, we kiss more, we, um, go to bed earlier. We just treat each other better. It's like a veil is lifted and we instantly remember the reasons this is so worth fighting for. I have never loved anyone as much as I love Matt and he makes me feel incredible. He can make me feel like the most loved, attractive, amazing, interesting, perfect woman all at the same time and that is worth everything. My step mom once told me that being in a relationship is the hardest jobs I'd ever have, but that it would all be worth it. I get it now.

So we put in the long hours and commit to the long haul. Because this love is so worth it. Our 3 year wedding anniversary is this Monday and I just can't wait to spend another 60 years with this man!

Saturday, May 8, 2010

I won't apologize for all the sarcasm. It's needed to cope. Oh the fighting. It's so lovely. Adds just what I need after a week jam packed with school and work. I decided to spend my one free day cleaning my house and it was just too much to ask for Matt to do anything more than a few dishes. He was sitting on the couch on the computer while I vigorously swept the floor until I finally asked if he would go into another room so I wouldn't keep getting more and more pissed. Instead, he just left. Don't know where he went, and I honestly don't care. I got the house clean in peace so whatever.

Last night we had a good time with each other but once we got back home it seemed to dissipate back into silence and stolen glances. We just watch tv until I can barely keep my eyes open and then he bitches at me to go to bed so I don't fall asleep on the couch. How has this become my life? I feel like I step in this house and suddenly all my happiness is just sucked away.

The only plus side to all this is that I am losing weight because I have no appetite anymore. For once I'm not feeding my pain with food. It's the only silver lining I can find.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

All my dental work is DONE! I finally have a smile that I am not ashamed of and I enjoy showing it off. Unfortunately, now I can't seem to find things to smile about.

I just find myself constantly at battle with my own thoughts. I am always anxious lately, my stomach just full of knots. I'm just flat out unhappy. I'm so very busy all the time right now. Luckily all I really have left of school this semester is finals. I am still working 3 days a week at my nanny job (and loving every second I get to love this little boy and watch him grow!) as well as working 3 days a week at Dixie Cafe waiting tables. Add in the 3 days of school and I just don't know how I fit that into 7 days. Matt and I don't really have time for ourselves and the time we do have, we waste away watching tv because I'm generally too exhausted to do anything else.

We aren't at the top of our game together either. We are considering counseling although I'm not sure either of us really think it will help. We've talked a lot lately about the fact that we have a problem, but we don't know how to go about fixing it. We share so little in common anymore. He told me he recently asked his friend Alex how different two people could be and still have a successful relationship. I just wish this were all easier. I keep having these dreams where I am unfaithful and Matt is leaving me. When I wake up, I feel drenched in guilt that just follows me around all day long. I don't want to be with anyone other than Matt and these dreams cause me so much pain. I've just gotten used to crying when I wake up in the morning. I'm starting to think that even though it seems Matt has forgiven me for my past mistakes, I might never be able to forgive myself.

Throw into the mix how we are on such different pages as far as when we'd like to see our family grow. I know now would not be a good time for anyone new to join our family because we have so much work to do on ourselves so we've pretty much put the foster/adopt paperwork away again, at least for now.

So there is my whine. Things just sucks right now. Hopefully they'll look up soon.

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