Wednesday, April 7, 2010

I am mostly writing in hopes of making myself feel better. Thanks to my upcoming tests, I am spending a lot of time at school lately trying to study without as much distraction. I am just in desperate need of a pick me up and I am really hoping Wanda's wedding this weekend will do just that. I think a little bit of distraction is just what I need to lift my spirits a bit. Matt isn't going to be able to make it since I have to leave before he will be done with tutoring on Friday so it will be a solo trip which makes it more boring, but it will actually make things a lot easier since that means I only have to visit with one set of family members. My sweet Nana was admitted into the hospital today but I'm hoping she will be released by this weekend so we can visit at her house. She was feeling bad and when she went to the doctor her white blood cell count was high and she had a fever so they decided not to take any chances and admit her to receive iv antibiotics. I don't want to stay at her house by myself and I really don't want to have to visit in the hospital.

I'm just feeling so restless lately. It's not a feeling I enjoy for sure. It puts a strain on my relationships and makes focusing on school even more difficult. I just feel anxious for more, more, more and nothing is ever enough when I feel like this. My mind is constantly full of thoughts, most of which aren't healthy or productive. Even while I sleep my thoughts betray me. I have always had very realistic, vivid dreams and lately they've been incredible. Monday night I dreamed of motherhood again, this time in such a real feeling way that I woke up thinking I heard a baby crying that I needed to attend to. It is bizarre to wake up that way and have to re-acclimate myself to reality, a reality where I could be years away from that dream.

Spanish test in 45 minutes that I am sure will be a breeze so I'm just killing time. I am so glad to have my netbook back. Don't listen to anyone who says bitching gets you no where. I was complaining about my broken netbook in microbiology and the kid next to me said his dad fixed computers. I totally expected to have to spend at least $100, but he only charged me $20. I gave it to him Monday and he handed it back to me this morning in full working order. I might see if he'll fix our other laptop now that I know how affordable he is. I was soo thankful and so glad I was complaining in class about it.

Anyway, while I might not be in love with life right now, things are pretty good. I am hoping Matt finds a full time job really soon because we're getting to the point where money is about to be a huge stress. I spent $536 at the dentist today having my impressions made for my upper denture since I had to pay half today and that means that I have to put another $200 in the bank before the 21st when I go back and still manage to feed us and pay our remaining utilities. It will be a stretch and we'll have to cut back on a lot of stuff but we'll make it.


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