Wednesday, April 7, 2010

I am mostly writing in hopes of making myself feel better. Thanks to my upcoming tests, I am spending a lot of time at school lately trying to study without as much distraction. I am just in desperate need of a pick me up and I am really hoping Wanda's wedding this weekend will do just that. I think a little bit of distraction is just what I need to lift my spirits a bit. Matt isn't going to be able to make it since I have to leave before he will be done with tutoring on Friday so it will be a solo trip which makes it more boring, but it will actually make things a lot easier since that means I only have to visit with one set of family members. My sweet Nana was admitted into the hospital today but I'm hoping she will be released by this weekend so we can visit at her house. She was feeling bad and when she went to the doctor her white blood cell count was high and she had a fever so they decided not to take any chances and admit her to receive iv antibiotics. I don't want to stay at her house by myself and I really don't want to have to visit in the hospital.

I'm just feeling so restless lately. It's not a feeling I enjoy for sure. It puts a strain on my relationships and makes focusing on school even more difficult. I just feel anxious for more, more, more and nothing is ever enough when I feel like this. My mind is constantly full of thoughts, most of which aren't healthy or productive. Even while I sleep my thoughts betray me. I have always had very realistic, vivid dreams and lately they've been incredible. Monday night I dreamed of motherhood again, this time in such a real feeling way that I woke up thinking I heard a baby crying that I needed to attend to. It is bizarre to wake up that way and have to re-acclimate myself to reality, a reality where I could be years away from that dream.

Spanish test in 45 minutes that I am sure will be a breeze so I'm just killing time. I am so glad to have my netbook back. Don't listen to anyone who says bitching gets you no where. I was complaining about my broken netbook in microbiology and the kid next to me said his dad fixed computers. I totally expected to have to spend at least $100, but he only charged me $20. I gave it to him Monday and he handed it back to me this morning in full working order. I might see if he'll fix our other laptop now that I know how affordable he is. I was soo thankful and so glad I was complaining in class about it.

Anyway, while I might not be in love with life right now, things are pretty good. I am hoping Matt finds a full time job really soon because we're getting to the point where money is about to be a huge stress. I spent $536 at the dentist today having my impressions made for my upper denture since I had to pay half today and that means that I have to put another $200 in the bank before the 21st when I go back and still manage to feed us and pay our remaining utilities. It will be a stretch and we'll have to cut back on a lot of stuff but we'll make it.

Monday, April 5, 2010

First of all, we didn't hit the baby jackpot, but that's not much of a surprise. After almost three years of wishing and hoping, thinking we finally had sucess, and then watching it all disappear just as quickly, I'm exhausted by the thought of continuing to really try for our own bio kids. It seems so bizarre that we've hit this point. I mean, we're in our early twentys, in seemingly good health, with no known reproductive issues, and yet my body continually fails month after month. Some people talk about timing, but that can only lift my spirits for so long before I just want to scream. The desire to be a mother is unlike anything I've ever experienced in my entire life. It's such a strong, almost uncontrollable emotion that has the ability to wipe my mind of all rational thoughts in an instant. This last month, with a nice big hormonal push, I really let myself get my hopes up. Like even though nothing else in our relationship has gone as planned, just this once everything would fall into place. I should have known better. So I passed yet another date that holds way too much meaning without a life growing inside me. I have to spend so much energy trying not to think about how different my life would be today if I had just celebrated a one year old's birthday and some days I do a better job than others. It's just this haunting "what if" that I fear will always follow me. It's just the permenance of loss. I used to tell myself that in time, my wounds would heal, but they still feel so fresh.

School is kicking my ass this semester. I can't seem to stay focused, I have to force myself to sit up at the school and do work, I just don't feel like myself. And my GPA will show it. So what if I'm talking about Bs instead of As. It's just harder this semester to keep up with everything. And this month is going to be tough since it's the end of the semester and suddenly everything is due. I have a spanish test Wednesday and a microbiology test this Friday as well as next Friday. Then that following week, on the 21st, I have to take the TEAS test which is my nursing school entrance exam from 8am to noon and then head off to the dentist to have 9 teeth pulled. My dentist doesn't think they are worth saving, and if I spent the money to try, they'd only last me 2 or 3 more years. So woopee for dentures. And oddly enough, I only need a top plate because my bottom teeth,while yellow, are healthy and I only have one cavity, even though all my top teeth seem to just be falling out of my mouth. Luckily, only one more month of school and then I get a short break before I hopefully start my summer Fundamentals of Nursing class.

I am wrestling with myself almost daily now. Fighting off thoughts that if I am unable to give birth to my children I will some how be a less able midwife, that I'll be discredited, labled a fraud. I wonder if I'll be able to take the pain of constantly being surrounded by pregnant women, making it my living, knowing that I may never get the chance to experience that again. I feel like every birth will reveal my brokenness, like my doubt in my body will somehow be contagious and I should just rethink it all. This entire experience with infertility and miscarriage has left me doubting so much and that doesn't seem to change. I'll feel like I'm making progress only to regress twice a year when EDDs and loss dates come around. I feel like less of a wife, less of a woman. Like I said, rational thoughts run for the hills when my head fills with thoughts like this.

I try and get away for a hike once a week or so, especially with this amazing weather, but lately even that fails to clear my mind. This past weekend I went to a local mill, bought some quinoa and homemade breads, tried to escape a little bit. I'll share a few pictures.


On a much brighter note, we've dug back into our mountain of paperwork for the foste-adopt process again. So many questions that I've never even thought about, it's like a mini-therapy session. Insight into all my feelings behind every feeling. Ideally, we'd like to have a child in our home around the end of the year, but we'll take things as they come. A lot of it depends on whether or not I get into the nursing program and have to take a summer class since we'll need to take our PRIDE training classes together at a time that works for both of us. Matt also has to have either way more hours with this tutoring business or he has to find another part time job very soon. And I know, many of you might be thinking, "Is this really the best time for this? You're already drowning in school and about to take on an even more challenging program. How could you manage being thrown into the thick of parenting at the same time?" Really, I don't know. I just know we'd manage. We'd do whatever it took to fufill our dreams of parenthood. We have so much love to give and there are so many little ones who need homes, even right here in our community, that it just feels so right. Call us crazy if you must, but it's this that gives me the hope to pull myself out of miserable thought ruts when they occur. I just know there is a little one out there meant for our family and I'm tired of waiting around for them to make their appearance.

Wanda's wedding is this weekend and I am excited to get to go home for a bit. I'll only be there for the weekend, but I should have time to see my family for a few hours. I'm dreading the actual drive since it looks like I'll be going solo since Matt has a tutoring session on Friday. My dress still isn't done being altered (yikes!), but I know it will be done by the time I leave. I've actually been having nightmares about her wedding all week long. Not the wedding itself but my normal, recurring nightmares have just been set at her wedding all week. And every single night, some little detail will clue me in that it's just a dream and I spend the next who knows how long just trying to remind myself I am dreaming because of whatever. For example, the bridesmaids dresses are black, but in one of my dreams they were bright pink and that's what gave it away to me. I frequently know I am dreaming in my dreams but I am never lucky enough to actually be able to control them. Anyway, her wedding is sure to be gorgeous and I am sooo very happy for her. She found a definite keeper this time around.

I didn't get near enough work done here at school today, especially since I wasted a big chunk of time to update my blog. I just need this outlet more than I realize. I always feel like the load is just a little bit lighter after I get a good long post out here. Thanks for reading.

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