Sunday, February 21, 2010

Such a busy couple of months ahead of me and I would love nothing more than to be draggingly tired the entire time hah.

I am going to my best friend's bachelorette party in 3 weeks which will be in Dallas. Luckily I don't have to drive then entire way since I will be meeting them about half way into the trip where our paths cross. Unfortunately (for me anyway) one of the girls that will be attending just found out that she is pregnant. She never thinks before she speaks and has been known to hurt my feelings on more than a few occasions so I am preparing myself for some heart break. I know she'll want to talk about it the entire time, and while I know I would too, it will still sting. I know that by the time my friend gets married, April 10th, she'll be showing a bit and very proud of having to take out her bridesmaid dress.

Another one of my close friends is expecting as well. It was quite a shock to me since she has pretty much been exclusively dating women for the past year and a half. One rendezvous with her ex-boyfriend and that was all it took. She is thrilled beyond belief and while I want so badly to be exclusively happy for her, I am struggling. I am growing more and more bitter despite my best attempts.

Matt constantly tells me it's not a race. It doesn't matter how much I repeat that to myself, it doesn't take away the sting when it feels like all my friends are becoming mothers and I am still stuck in the roles I've held for years. Very few people understand why I feel like this.

In March I have to sign up to take the TEAS test (in April) which determines whether or not I get into the nursing program for this summer. Also in April, other than this crazy big test and my best friend's wedding, I will be taking a 2 day training workshop from Doulas of North America (DONA). It will require me to miss a day of school and a day of work but it will mean that I will be only three births away from certification and getting paid to do something that I love. It also means that I could possibly be wasting almost $400 on a workshop and certification if I decide I can't handle birth and pregnant ladies and new babies all the time.

We started out this cycle avoiding but ended up actually having a shot. Just a few days into this second half of my cycle, the tortuous wait that hasn't gotten any easier, even after almost 3 years. I suddenly crawled out of my funk a week or so ago and have felt just the oddest sense of peace since then. I know I will become a mother one day. I know that my motherly love isn't wasted right now because there is an adorable toddler boy who soaks it up three days a week. I am keeping myself busy which I have found to help and I don't allow myself to hole up at the house. I go to bookstores to write and do my homework. I make a conscious effort every single day to not let myself start to slip back towards that darkness.

This is my life right now. Cautious optimism. Forcing myself to smile. Enjoying the ride.

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